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My Husband Loves His Job More Than Me

I feel really alone most of the time. After so many years of supporting my husband in his career I have come to the realization  that he loves his job more than he loves me.  Even though he has said on numerous occasions that he only works so hard to make a good living so "I" am taken care of. 

 It seems hard for him to talk with me about our future or our home. However, he expresses himself more when talking about his job.  He never lacks subject matter when he is talking about his 'projects and programs' at work.

He will leave a family get-to-gether  to check on his projects at his jobsite.  He will answer blackberry emails and calls even during "intimate" time between us telling me the calls are about his job.  If it were another woman ithink I could understand all of this! But not his BOSS!!!

He will willingly travel for his job but hesitates when it comes to travelling with the family.  There is no expense too big for his job but family money is always a complaint for him. 

Perhaps I am too jealous, but when he will leave me or our daughter when we are ill to make sure someone at work is taken care of I get the feeling we just are not as important to him as his co-workers, projects or programs.  Maybe I am paranoid or over reactive.  I just think that when he expresses his job with the emotion he should have for his family that things are waaay out of prospective.

I would never put my profession before him.  Even if it were the major source of our income, it could never be as important to me as he is.  Perhaps I am the one out of perspective?  Maybe I am asking too much?  I don't think so.

How wonderful it would be to feel as important to him as his job is.  To be as important as his "crew members" are to him would be fabulous.  Once I thought I was the center of his world.  The reason he came home at night.  The arms that made him feel safe and loved.  Now I only believe that I am the housekeep, the dishwasher, the laundress and occasionally, rarely, the one that gives him the sexual release he needs.

Is there an hope of a  way to be important to him again? 
peanutbrittle peanutbrittle 46-50, F 9 Responses May 28, 2010

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I feel you, my husband is a professor and he teaches just five hours a week but he goes to work as soon as he wakes up and comes home just to eat and then goes back to work after dinner and I and our daughter always sleep before he gets home. this makes feel the same way you are feeling especially that home expenses are always a problem for him but work's ones never are. the only different thing for me is that he cares about our intimate life but at the same time he tries to control everything about me.
I believe that you should talk to him about it. if he tries hard enough, it would be worth it even if there was not much outcome since him working on it means that he still cares but somethings in life change us sometimes.
if he shows you that he never changed and you are the reason and that kind of talk, know then that your life is not going to get better but just worse.
I have been suffering since the day I got married, but I am still trying to get used to my life like this where if it does not change or I could not get used to it the way it is, I will have to leave him but the hard thing is that we have a baby together and I always think If I will be ok to be friend with him after divorce but at the same time I think that If I stayed like this hatred between us could grow and then my baby girl will suffer.
so think about carefully, and good luck (:

This is not a fair or balanced relationship at all. You should not have to put up with that.

Just learning this feeling now and I do not like the way I feel at all, and then blame myself for being selfish. Confused? Ya and then some, sad you betcha, pissed off you have no idea! Used i believe so, housekeeper hell thats all i do, do i work no do i sit at home all day alone with a dog and a cat and. Few fish looking out the window at the cold snowy day of minus 35 degrees and think wow im lucky yip i use too now not so much! It sucks its hell i hate it i love him i love us our family but o hate being alone!

Hi peanutbrittle. Men are conditioned from day one to build, construct and provide (ie. Bob the Builder). What is that all about if it is not a sex role stereotype. Many women feel the same as you do without understanding that their men are not really satisfied either. Men often feel isolated and trapped in an aggressive and competitive working environment and only put up with it because they believe that feeding, clothing and housing a family is a way of expressing love. They can feel crushed by the discovery that their women expect more of them. My father never understood that buying a house, car, fridge and washing machine would not be interpreted by my mother as love. And my mother never understood what these things cost until she had to live without them after she divorced him. My older brother and I grew up in an urban war zone because they were unable to resolve their conflicting expectations of each other. Each of them wanted me to take their side against the other but I eventually realized that marriage had been unfair to both of them because each of them had taken on a 'role' that was defined by society and they had never specifically negotiated their own terms of relationship. They both felt cheated and each blamed the other. When they fought a bitter divorce there was no winner. My brother and I each lost a parent and they spent the rest of their lives feeling cheated. AND THEY WERE but not really by each other. They were cheated because they entered an INSTITUTION rather than a relationship and had NO IDEA about establishing their own terms of engagement. That is hard enough to do today. For the generation that saw the bombing of Pearl Harbor it must have been nearly impossible, but some of them managed because some marriages from that generation survived. It is a huge task. They needed to deconstruct their marriage and start a relationship but they didn't know how. They could not give up their expectations of marriage and never understood that they were entirely different. Maybe they were unsuitable for each other. I may never know. It's tragic. We were all cheated by a convention which they found impossible. Sorry this went on for so long. I didn't realize how much I had to say.

Im going through the same situation right now. and it sucks!!..but I think mines even worse because his job owes him 4 paychecks and there always paying him late and he STILL goes in too work. He's a supervisor at a mill and 2 out of of his coworkers quit today and instead of him coming home and spend time with his family he decides too stay and get the production out with just 2 ppl ..Really???...its frustrating how he barely spends time with us. if he's not sleeping he's working and i hate that. why is it though? I've asked him so many time and his anwser is always the same "I need to work to support you guys". but how can he support us when he's not even bringing in money.

i am going through the same situation also and it sucks , my husband and brother just bought a company and ever since he started working there he has not spent one day with me and on top of that i am supporting him , this situation sucks even though he says that he is doing this for the both of us. i believe he is working for free with his brother and it really makes me angry. I hate being alone it sucks.

I also feel your pain. I supported my husband every step of the way and always felt that his job came first, so I asked him the other day and he said yes it does!!! Wow that hurt. 25 years with him and children. It's a sad lonely place for me right now.

I feel your pain. You are not alone.

I know this is an old article, but I am having the same problem. I have been with my bf for 5 years and we are in a long distance relationship but visit each other several times a year. About a year and a half ago he started working for an oil company making really good money. Now, I will not say that he loves the job, actually the job has put a lot of stress on him-- what I will say is he enjoys the challenge that the job brings and he loves the money. But ever since he has started this job he seems to have less and less time for me, even when we visit each other all he does is complain about how stressful his job is. Recently he was promoted to a management position and the hours are even longer and he is under more stress, though he is making about 4 times what he was before and he loves that. We had a vacation planned for the end of this month, he told me he got permission to take the time off, so I also requested 10 days off and bought a swimsuit and clothes for the trip only to have him tell me today that he was going to have to cancel the trip, that there was too much going on at work and the company falls apart without him. He just came to visit me last week and stated to me, "Do you realize how much work I had to do when I came back from visiting you??". So now that my manager has already made out the schedule, I am stuck with time off that I have to waste my own vacation days on. I am becoming frustrated to the point where I think this may be the end of our commitment...I'm tired of it! I realize that work is important, and having money is important, but you should not neglect the people that you love in your life...there has to be room for both a career and loved ones.

I know how you feel, and I am even older than you...just know that you are not alone if that is any comfort ;) I do not have any answers to offer you, but I sure wish that I did.