I was talking on the phone today with TexasLily. I was having some troubles, and she discovered that I'm not as confident as I seem. I had never really thought about it, but then I realized how I did unintentionally put on a mask of confidence with her (and really with everybody). I think it's especially with her because I try to be strong for her. When she heard about all the doubts I had, she said, "I can't believe you're saying this."
I've been told this by other people on EP too. Here's what I've realized. When I'm trying to make a point and/or arguing, I always stick to my guns because I really want to get my point across. Even if I'm not totally convinced of it myself, I appear to be totally convinced of it because I am stubborn when I argue. Also, I think I really get really stubborn when I argue is because not only am I trying to convince the person that I'm arguing with that I'm right, but I'm also trying to convince MYSELF that I'm right. It makes me feel more confident. So when I'm arguing with someone else, I sometimes do partially believe that they could possibly be right, but by arguing with them, I'm arguing with MYSELF and telling myself that I'm right.
I very seldom talk about my doubts, especially in a public setting like this, because I have a fear of my doubts being proven right. That's actually one of the main reasons I'm not specifying what those doubts are in this story. I'm trying not to make this story become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also, people admire me for being so confident...and I hate to let them down. I like being admired and looked up to, and if I admit that I'm not as confident as I appear, there's not really that much to admire about me in that sense.
All these reasons are actually quite subconscious really. Only at times like this, when someone points it out, do I realize that I'm doing this. It's kind of like a psychological defense mechanism.
Please don't take advantage of this. I'm really putting my heart on the line, and this story is hard to write because I fear that people who read this will use this new knowledge of me to take advantage of my lack of conviction and try to sway and/or destroy the little conviction that I do have.
Thank you for reading this, and thank you so much if you sympathize rather than losing respect for me or taking advantage of this part of me. I'm still worried that it was a mistake to share this story, especially when I'm feeling so unconfident. I just feel like I kind of need to say these things on EP because there aren't many other places I can open up like this.
Yeah, I guess that's it.