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I Love Him, But.....

I truly have a wonderful husband, he is thoughtful, fun, my best friend...which is why i married him. We are both on our second marriage...during my time in between marriages, i dated several men...on my FIRST date with my husband i knew i wasnt physically attracted to him, but continued to see him because we are so compatible in every other area. I felt like I was being superficial, immature and ridiculous even thinking of letting this wonderful man go that adores me and my babies so much. Long story short...I DO NOT want to leave him, but 5 years later....its worse...i can't hardly stand the thought of having sex with him...I break down and do it, but never enjoy it, never ******* and at this point I feel horrible for him also, he deserves to feel wanted in that way....not sure what to do. We try vacationing, body oils, massage...but i still have to close my eyes and fantasize until it's over....i miss WANTING a man physically and I am sure he misses being wanted...i find myself thinking several coworkers and colleagues in very inappropriate ways....i'm sexually frustrated, as he has to be as well......suggestions????
deleted deleted 26-30 27 Responses Apr 23, 2012

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I think you should realize that a your time here is limited. I think that you should do what you can to fulfill yourself while you are alive.

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Leave him. Seriously it gets worse. I wish it would get better for you but true love makes you want your man. Your love isn't true and you will be sad. Decide do I want security with a loveless marriage or do I want to go out and find true love risking my security for my children. Personally, I feel you deserve happiness and your children will be able to see your unhappiness and you will model for them this sad life. You can't force true love and you have to be scared and take a risk to find it. However your children should never ever pay the price for you moving on. Your children didn't ask to be brought into the world and its your job to provide a good secure life for them. They should always come first in any decision you make. They are number one not you. However, if your unhappy they will suffer. I know my brother and myself begged my Mom to leave my dad because he was abusive we were not yet teenagers and begging her to leave him. Take care of you and your children will flourish!

This is a guy speaking. Mostly everyone in this forum is offering their own personal experiences,  but hardly anyone is offering a solution. The million dollar question is: what does a woman do when she is not physically and sexually attracted to her husband anymore? The answer depends on WHY she is not attracted to him anymore. There are several reasons that a woman would stop being attracted to her husband. I have comprised a list of the top 6 reasons and listed some possible solutions for each reason.
1.)     He's gained too much weight - The solution to this one is easy. Motivate him to lose the weight until he reaches the size you want. After he loses the weight, challenge him to KEEP the weight off. You women have more power than you think. A man who truly loves you and truly wants you to be happy will lose the weight for you. What may motivate one man may not motivate another, so it's up to the wife to know what will motivate her husband. My wife was patient with me for years as I struggled with my weight. At one point I was almost 400 pounds, but she motivated me by telling me that if I didn't change, I might die and that would leave her to be a widow. And she would be left to raise the kids all alone. I was saddened at the thought of not being alive to see my daughter get married or alive to see my son get his first screw.  And how could I call myself a loving husband if I didn't change. It hasn't been easy. I've lost weight gained it again, lost it again and gained more back. But after 4 years, I am 80 pounds lighter and still working hard to keep the weight off and to lose 150 more. Bottom line, if your husbands are as great as you all say they are, they will lose the weight for you. If they don't lose the weight, maybe your husband is not as great as you think.

2.)   He has poor hygiene - The solution to this one is easy as well. Force him to have good hygiene. Showering everyday is not an option, it's a demand. Brushing teeth and flossing should be expected. Honestly, I didn't have the best hygiene. Some days I didn't even brush my teeth. I got the point when my wife said before we had relations, I needed to shower. Sometimes, she wouldn't even kiss me. I was upset, but she was right. Communicate to your husband that you are dissatisfied with his hygiene and if he is as great as you guys swear your husbands are, then he'll improve his hygiene for you. If he doesn't improve, then he may not be as great as you think.

3.)   He's too short - The solution to this one is tough. It's not like your husband can take a pill to get taller. So what do you do? I am not the tallest guy in the room,  but confidence is key. My wife likes it when I make her feel like I can beat up any guy no matter how big or tall the guy is. So if your husband is too short, one thing to try is to get him to work out more to build muscle. From what I have observed about women, you appreciate a dude with muscular tone whether he is short or not. Also, a boxing or karate class might help with short men too. These things build confidence in us and makes us FEEL taller than we are. Inevitably,  with our new-found confidence, you will start to feel that we are taller too. A husband who truly loves you and cares about you will be willing to make these slight changes for you because he wants you to be happy too. If he is not willing to make these minor adjustments,  maybe he is not as great of a man as you think.

4.) He lacks confidence - The solution to this one is tricky. It's tricky because it involves some changing on the part of the wives. Sometimes the reason we lack confidence is because you women take it away from us. There are several ways that you do this, but I'll just list a couple. One way you ***** away our confidence is by trying to do everything that we do. Let us do some things FOR you. Even if you already know how to change a tire, let US change the tire for you. Show us that you not only want us, but that you NEED us too! Give us our confidence back. Another way that you take our confidence away is by using sex as a bargaining chided because this strips us of our confidence............to be continued

(I ran out of characters so here is the rest of what I posted.) Don't use sex to get your way. We need sex as much as you guys need communication. Don't take that from us because you are upset. If you women truly love your husbands as you all say you do, then you will change this for him. If you are not wiling to change or claim that it is too hard to change, then maybe you can understand why he hasn't changed for you.  Another way to help your husband get his confidence back was mentioned in solution #3. Have him take a boxing class or karate class, and work out more. These things are bound to give him confidence. And if he is truly a great guy as you all say your husbands are, then he will be willing to take these classes for you. If you argue that there is not enough time to take these classes, MAKE TIME. If your marriage is worth fighting for and if you really are determined to be happy, then MAKE THE TIME.

5.)   His teeth are in horrible condition - The solution to this problem is simple, but requires money. First, he needs to brush and floss daily. If he refuses to brush and floss his teeth, explain to him how important doing so is to you. If he loves you, he will start brushing. Second, he needs to go to the dentist. If he has had bad experiences with dentists in the past or is morbidly afraid of them, have his doctor prescribe him an anti-anxiety drug like Xanax or Valium before he goes. Get more than one professional dental opinion, listen carefully, and fix his teeth. If he needs a scaling, pay for it. If he needs teeth pulled out, pay for that too. If he needs replacement teeth, pay for that also. Do what it takes to make his mouth something that you can be proud of and attracted to. I recognize that dental work is very, very expensive. But apply for dental credit to pay for it. If your credit is bad, see if the dental office will allow you to go on a payment plan within the office.  Eliminate cable for one year and the money that you would've spent on cable (around $150 per month), spend on his mouth. If you don't have cable, have a garage sale and sell pointless items around the house. If you have a car note, sell the car and buy a used one for now. Use the money from the car to invest in his mouth. Another way to come up with dental money is to start a small candy business and sell the candy to the neighborhood kids. Find a way to come up with the cash because you DESERVE to be happy in your marraige.

6.)   He's just plain ugly - This one is subjective, because what you might find ugly, another woman might find exotic. Nonetheless,  if your husband has a face that only a mother could love, the only solution to this is to get him to tone up his body. He needs muscles and confidence and if your husband is as great as you women say that he is, he will be willing to work out for you.

The bottom line is this: In a marraige,  BOTH mates deserve to be happy. If your husband is kind, caring, and everything that you always wanted but you are not attracted to him, FIND a way to be attracted to him. Your true happiness depends on it. Don't cheat on your husband because this is not what will make you happy. Ultimately, you long to be intimate with your own husbands who you truly love. You just wish you were sexually drawn to him. And don't feel guilty for wanted this either. We want the same things too. We want a beautiful woman who keeps in shape, a great mother, caring, and a wife with a killer sex drive. So is it any different that you guys want the same thing? Don't give up. Keep trying and things will get better If and only if he truly loves you.

Hope this helps.

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I was attracted. I'd get wet every time I thought of him. When we had a kid I was crazy for him. Sex was great all these years.and then it seemed as though he could only keep it up when looking at the top of my head if you know what I mean. I suggested he was bored and he assured me not. I suggested bringing another girl home, but on further thought I thought perhaps a loss for me either way-either he gets performance anxiety, which will not help his ego, or he wI'll perform amazingly, which will not help my ego. then I suggested an open relationship but he insisted he does not want anyone else. I think being with another woman will help him feel attractive and sexy, and might alleviate his apparent boredom with me. there was a guy at work flirting with me and I'd take that sexy feeling home and tried to make things better, but it's hard to feel sexy when he can't perform all the way through. I thought it was age, but he has no problems at all when I'm giving him head.Now no one flirts with me or even looks at me. I work with guys and I know what they all think of older women. My man tells me all the time I'm beautiful, he is so wonderful in so many ways, I still love hanging out with him and stuff, but at this point I'd rather just ********** than have sex with him. I know it's not my libido, I sure enjoy the view at work. I'm just not attracted to my man in a sexual way anymore. Not sure how to get that back.

I disagree with the poster women don't want guys who are "nice". Especially when you get married and have kids you want someone kind, patient and will work hard to take care of his family. My husband kills himself at work everyday so we can have nice life. And I admit I consider myself lucky to stay home with the kids. But I also have found myself not wanting sex with him and feeling a little disgusted. When we dated and got engaged he went to the gym, drank a bit and didn't smoke. Guess what...he has gained over 30 pounds and looks like a pregnant man, he smokes, he drinks, he orders fast food and four times this week he has ordered fried food take out And he loves whiskey! He loves bacon and any processed food full of trans fat. I asked him why things changed when he got married and it was "because I am already married. I got what wanted". There is no desire to give a &*(() what he does to wreck his body. He earns a really nice paycheck and I am sorry but that counts for a lot. I have realized I have to take care myself while he ruins his health. I would be on welfare without him but I resent the fact he does NOTHING to take care of himself and turns everything into a joke. And don't get me wrong I really love who he is inside. But it is hard to love someone who became a different person. I used to play sports for 20 plus years, before I met him I went to the gym, I ate vegetarian, have never smoked and hate the smell of smoke and my only downfall is I drink too much sometimes. It can be a very terrible place to be when you love someone's personality and soul but you find their health and body disgusting.

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Literally in tears after reading everyone's posts....I feel so bad about the way I feel....your posts have reassured me that what I am feeling isn't going to go away. Going on 7 years of marriage, I have no sexual attraction to my husband. I think he is attractive, but I have no sex drive. I thought that it was low libido, until I recently met someone I was extremely physically attracted to. I felt guilty just being attracted to someone else cause I knew right away that my problem was emotional and not physical. When I met my husband, I couldn't keep my hands off him....and literally the day we got married is when my sex drive took a nose dive. I feel so bad because my husband is a such a thoughtful, caring, intelligent person who deserves someone better than me.

Ok...so I joined just to reply to DennisVT's comment. I have had the same feelings and issues with my husband. I know her pain. I also know that DennisVT's response (as harsh as it sounded...and not COMPLETELY accurate) is on to something. Try looking up 'the feminine woman' This person does DATING advice but I find that you could use A LOT of what she says to gain insight into the dynamics of attraction. If not her, then look up attraction and polarity. The main thing in polarity I think....meaning the difference in masculine and feminine energy. Do a little more research on the subject. You might find something useful to use in your marriage, if not then perhaps in another relationship after everything.
I, myself, have not made 180° turnaround in my marriage, but things are improving (after YEARS of frustration). I also am NOT saying that we should be superficial and regress to 1950's women, but we can be learn to appreciate the differences between men and women (and dare I say let a man feel like a man...lol I know, I know...) I think we, as women, have suppressed our feminine energy in order to fit into a 'modern woman' role where we can do anything a man can do. But we dont have to suppress it once we realize what our feminine energy is and how powerful that can be. We can be authentic and we can have passionate long lasting love. Don't give up. Many, many women are going through the same thing...I know I am. You're not alone.
I hope nothing but the best for you and your relationships.
My best,
Jess

This is a guy talking:

How come nobody noticed the common points here? You all say, that your husband is the best guy ever, on almost every level. Caring, intelligent, good father, a good man, a nice guy and so on..
THIS IS THE EXACT PROBLEM!!

Women are NOT wired to feel attracion to nice guys. This is your biological, evolutional instinct. You feel attracion to the so-called alpha males. The problem is, they are only about 10-20% of all males... The bigger problem is: the are usually not husband-father material.
80% percent of women want these men, so they can easily fullfill THEIR biological, evolutional instincts: poligamy.
Women's instinct is Hypergamy, meaning they only want one man, but ALWAYS the BEST available.
Being an alpha male is not only being good looking, having a nice body, but self-confidence, succes, money, social status and dominance. For example Mick Jagger is a clear alpha DESPITE his looks. And thats why you can see average looking guys with beautiful women... the other mentioned things make them alpha.

The husband-father material guys are called betas, or beta-providers. They provide the other things you [women] need: being a nice guy, intellectual, good job, great father, caring and so on. These are NOT attibutes that turn women on sexually.
I am sure you all heard the saying : girls like bad guys, bad boys. These things do not change, these are your instincts. You didn't fell for the smart guy in high school. You fell for the handsome quarterbacks, the guitar-players, the popular guys, and the rich guys. Why would that change?
But as you grow up, you correctly realized that they won't make a good husband and father, as the will not settle down, at least with not most of you. So you married the nice guys, the good guys, whom you had limited sexual attraction with. At best. As I read your post, many of you never felt sexual attracion to the one you married.
After 5-10-30 years, DO NOT BLAME THEM. It was your foul, you shouldn't have married them.
When you found someone else, and cheated on your husband, thats where hypergamy kicked in. (NO, WOMEN ARE NOT MONOGAMOUS). You found someone with better looks, higher social status, with some bad boy attitude, and more dominance over you. One of you even admitted, that the new guys is not that great of a man, but at least you feel attracion. THAT'S WHY!!

So for you women, who at least HAD some sexual attracion in the old days with your husband, i suggest this: try to find the bad-boy in him. Provoke him to stand up against you in many ways. Give the control back to them in almost anything. Let him make decisions, let him be a MAN, and the easiest way to do that, is that you become woman from the 1950s.
If your husbands' looks changed, then DEMAND to change it back. To be truthful, you never should have allowed him to leave himself. It is not so hard to loose a few dozen pounds, gain a little muscle, and gain a little self-confidence with it. Demand it, and help him achive it. And for heavens sake: DO NOT TRY TO TURN HIM INTO A NICE GUY, if he still has some bad-boy attitude. DO NOT let him be submissive, and BE submissive yourself. LET HIM be the dominant in the marriage, in the family. Being dominant is the key.

Sorry for my english, i am from Hungary

Thank you for this. I totally agree with you. Makes perfect sense. My fiancé was a "a bad boy" when I first fell for him and went crazy in love with him. Maybe back then I did not really enjoy sex with him but I used to long for his touch. But now since I "tamed" him, if I may say, I truly find myself a bit scared and intimidated to fulfill my part in bed.. I believe I should give him back power as you said... thanks

I am sorry, but you made a classic causal fallacy. Just because all of these women have expressed sexual disinterest in their husbands who happened to be nice to them, does not automatically imply women are incapable of being attracted to a nice guy. You have thrown around random statistics, which you cannot validate.

There are also other factors that can explain their choices:
1. These women were following what society tells them they should do, which is to get married. Those bad boys aren't often rushing to do that so many women opt to go for the "nice guy" solely because they want a marriage, but fail to realize they should (and have every right to) be with someone they are attracted to.
2. Men aren't pressured into marriage, while women are made to feel as if sleeping around with different men makes them cheap. This results in women ignoring their gut (i.e.-instincts) leading them to settle for whatever man comes to the table willing to put a ring on it.
3. Some of these women may have faced emotional issues or distress that made them more susceptible to rushing into marriage.

I can relate to these stories, accept my husband was not the "nice guy". He knew how to play the part, but his character was severely lacking. Why did I marry him? One thing led to the next. We moved in together while we were both studying in a foreign country (to keep bills low). I started to realize he probably wasn't the best thing for me. I could not afford to remove myself from the home quickly because I lacked the finances to do so and I would eventually forgive. This cycle repeated itself. I eventually became pregnant and that's all she wrote.

It was also due to a character flaw of mine. I thought it was my job to help people I knew where in distress. He couldn't get his self together financially or academically, so I made it my mission to assist him. I brought everything I had to the table. He sat back and gladly took. The more the tomfoolery continued, I began believing the lies that I should settle for this mess. It's amazing what you learn to adapt to. But not having a strong enough support system will do that. Over 15 years later I am just starting to get myself to a point where I think I can leave. The sex is/was horrible. That has never improved. I use to stomach it because I thought I was being superficial and/ or lacked enough experience to be judgmental. But I had every right to believe I deserved better. And I tell ALL women to demand better. Don't ever feel like you have to settle for some fake rendition of what love is/ or should be. Don't ever allow people around you to convince you otherwise. Only you know what's best for you. If it doesn't feel right, listen to that nudging voice. Don't bury it and don't ignore it. It will never go away.

A guy that I ignored most of my young adult life because he WAS the bad boy image, is the one that actually turned out to be the gentle soul. I intentionally picked the "average guy" because I didn't want the drama. Funny how they tended to be the worst partners. Very insecure and always trying to prove themselves. The one guy that every woman wanted who wanted me, I ignored. Turns out when I got to know him that he was the sweet guy after all. Don't know if it would ever work out between him and I, but just from his gentle touch, he showed me how I should feel when a man touches me. You can't fake true feelings for a person. If there's chemistry, you will feel it in their gaze and when they touch you. It should also be consistent with how they treat you. But you need all cylinders firing; not half!

Totally agree.

hello Dannis!
I thikn you nailed it pretty well.
As about myself, I am married to a "beta". with all the consequences involved :D
Question1
should people strive to becom "alphas"?
can't they just be happy while being "beta" or "omega"?
Question2
what is your actual final advice for the woman that posted first?
should women strive to get an "alpha"?
are women married to "betas" kinda' loosers , so to speak?

Thank you! I came to this exact realization

2 More Responses

It felt great knowing that m not alone! M married for 10 yrs. My husband is a Wonderful Man!! Im not attracted to him even before we got married But HES SOOO Good !! Everyone that knows him says the same thing!!! We have one child , but since we had d baby , NO SEX!!! its not that m complaining but Im not attracted to him anymore, I feel bad m guilty all d time! So sometimes when Im LOnely , I drink alone ,watch movies and cry , and feel sorry for myself! I said to myself well maybe I deserve this! or just my fate in life! Or Its my fault anyways I married him n d first place! Wish sometimes he"s bad it woud have been easy to Leave him! If I m attracted to him, then He would have been a Perfect husband.

I think you need to get divorced. You will never forgive yourself if you don't at least try to be in a relationship with someone you are physically attracted to.

Okay I going to try an put this nice for all of yall woman for the most part all of yall knew this before u married the man so it ur own Damn fault an two this cheating or wanting to cheat on ur husband when u knew from start u was not going to be sexually satisfied him is what u excepted for the other qualities so stop complaining an wanting to cheat. An another thing for all u woman that has wrote saying the samething that u knew from start are the most selfish in considerate ppl I have heard of to marry an take advantage of a good man an not truly want him Sexually when u have taken the chance he could have really found someone that would be happy with him in every way.I mean all of yall woman for the longest time have put men to be the ones that don't care an cheat an are the sorry ones when what yall are doing is the most twisted thing I have ever heard marrying a man an take his life away for ur on personal gain an then cheating an thinking of other men so woman who are the real sorry ppl now because I will tell u now a man that is not at least sexually attracted to the woman in the beginning there would never have even been a relationship maybe yall woman need to learn a few things for males about not getting involved with ppl u don't want to be having sex with. I am sorry I sound crime but about time a man put his opinion in this crock of ****.

Sorry I hate how this phone does the word correct I mean cruel

Yes. You are cruel, and judgmental

I'm not sure I agree entirely with this statement. Some people get married so young.....their children and they still don't know what they want. I got married when I was 19 to a man that I have no interest in whatsoever. We've been married now for 8- years, and we have 3 children. I had a hurtful childhood and he was the first person who came along that actually treated me like a human being. I let his kindness influence my decision to be with him. If only I would have waited, then I would have gathered experience and married someone that was a good fit for me. I am miserable in my marriage...... I don't want to be married to my spouse, but this is the bed that I made and I don't have a chose but to sleep in it. I don't agree with cheating or getting a divorce, because I'm living through my mistake. But, I do believe that we need to have a little more compassion on people who have also made the same mistake as myself.

I could have written this...I 100% understand what you're going through...

How did you find this experience or are you just picking experiences you don't agree with so you can project your dissatisfaction on to others? By the way if one has to start a with a statement like "Okay I going to try an put this nice for all of yall woman" it not only implies that he/she is already aware their point will be insulting but it also proves that one is too lazy to learn the language with which they've decided to make their point in. Get a life!

2 More Responses

ive been married 3 and half years and i dont know if i ever did love my husband or was just looking at stability . i dont feel physically attracted to him anf he irratates the hell out of , its like being married to a child at times, we have nothing in common and he has nothing interesting to talk about . i really want to get out but feel so trapped, ive been trying to make things work but being married for only 3 years no kids we hardly have sex but he says its my fault coz of the things i say to him when i am angry. i cant belive i mad such a big mistake alot of it was family pressure.

No kids? I would go...trust me. You dont want to be me...miserable & trapped for 20 years because you want to do the "right" thing for them.

Do you feel you must stay for the kids? Would you not consider getting a job and sharing a home with someone and have 50% custody? It's sad either way but each person deserves to be happy. I'm about to divorce after 25 yrs of marriage, 4 kids (22,19,13,11). Nicest, responsible husband but no passion, attraction, & our views &, interests have changed. There's still life out there to be enjoyed & not feel like he or I have to work on changing for each other daily. By now, we are who we are. How do u feel?

I'm pretty much in the same boat as everyone here. I have the most amazing husband. He treats me great and spoils me rotten. He has a great job , we travel a lot (too much), financially supports me, and we barely fight. I'm so lucky to have him. We've been married 5 years and together for 9. I find him handsome but there is no sexual chemistry. I force myself to sleep with him weekly. Ive always thought it was my libido. We ended up separating last year for 7 months bc his job takes him overseas frequently and I was trying to decide if that's the lifestyle I want. I ended up meeting a guy 15 years older then me and we had instant chemistry . Sparks flying like I've never felt with anyone. And I was not looking to meet anyone. The guy knew I was separated . And my husband knew I met someone else. We dated for 5 months. I found out its not my libido bc the OM thought I could be a sex addict. My husband said he couldn't live without me, and I do adore him, he's too good of a guy to let go of. So we are back together. But I constantly think of the amazing sex and chemistry I shared w the OM. I know it was morally wrong and even though I'm a flirty person I've never thought of taking it farther. But I just wish I could have that chemistry with my husband. I know the OM is not good for me , and I want to get him out of my head. My hubby thinks I just never have had a sex drive . Wish I could make myself have this chemistry w my (almost) perfect husband . What's wrong w me?!

This is my life exactly.. I could have written this post. Have you ever found peace/a resolution?

same here.. I think you should read the comment of DennisVt here. It made sense to me. My fiance used to be a guitarist and I fell for him. He used to be this bad guy.. somehow.

This is a guy talking:
How come nobody noticed the common points here? You all say, that your husband is the best guy ever, on almost every level. Caring, intelligent, good father, a good man, a nice guy and so on..
THIS IS THE EXACT PROBLEM!!
Women are NOT wired to feel attracion to nice guys. This is your biological, evolutional instinct. You feel attracion to the so-called alpha males. The problem is, they are only about 10-20% of all males... The bigger problem is: the are usually not husband-father material.
80% percent of women want these men, so they can easily fullfill THEIR biological, evolutional instincts: poligamy.
Women's instinct is Hypergamy, meaning they only want one man, but ALWAYS the BEST available.
Being an alpha male is not only being good looking, having a nice body, but self-confidence, succes, money, social status and dominance. For example Mick Jagger is a clear alpha DESPITE his looks. And thats why you can see average looking guys with beautiful women... the other mentioned things make them alpha.
The husband-father material guys are called betas, or beta-providers. They provide the other things you [women] need: being a nice guy, intellectual, good job, great father, caring and so on. These are NOT attibutes that turn women on sexually.
I am sure you all heard the saying : girls like bad guys, bad boys. These things do not change, these are your instincts. You didn't fell for the smart guy in high school. You fell for the handsome quarterbacks, the guitar-players, the popular guys, and the rich guys. Why would that change?
But as you grow up, you correctly realized that they won't make a good husband and father, as the will not settle down, at least with not most of you. So you married the nice guys, the good guys, whom you had limited sexual attraction with. At best. As I read your post, many of you never felt sexual attracion to the one you married.
After 5-10-30 years, DO NOT BLAME THEM. It was your foul, you shouldn't have married them.
When you found someone else, and cheated on your husband, thats where hypergamy kicked in. (NO, WOMEN ARE NOT MONOGAMOUS). You found someone with better looks, higher social status, with some bad boy attitude, and more dominance over you. One of you even admitted, that the new guys is not that great of a man, but at least you feel attracion. THAT'S WHY!!
So for you women, who at least HAD some sexual attracion in the old days with your husband, i suggest this: try to find the bad-boy in him. Provoke him to stand up against you in many ways. Give the control back to them in almost anything. Let him make decisions, let him be a MAN, and the easiest way to do that, is that you become woman from the 1950s.
If your husbands' looks changed, then DEMAND to change it back. To be truthful, you never should have allowed him to leave himself. It is not so hard to loose a few dozen pounds, gain a little muscle, and gain a little self-confidence with it. Demand it, and help him achive it. And for heavens sake: DO NOT TRY TO TURN HIM INTO A NICE GUY, if he still has some bad-boy attitude. DO NOT let him be submissive, and BE submissive yourself. LET HIM be the dominant in the marriage, in the family. Being dominant is the key.
Sorry for my english, i am from Hungary

Wow! This is my story....Hows it going? Im married 24 years, separated for 2 years, rekindled last year & it's been confirmed zero sexual desire...except for those hormonal times 😉 when you're horny...lol

Wow. Your experiences are scary (sorry). I am a 31 year old single mom to a wonderful 4 year old boy. The father of my son, (whom I was completely crazy inlove with, who sparked and satisfied all my sexual desires) is a complete loser - the last time he saw my son he was 6 weeks old; he is irresponsible, selfish, lazy among other things...and so I made the decision that the next man I devote myself to, who will be a father to my son and be a great example to him, would be the complete opposite. I have met that man, we've actually known each other for 16 years, as best friends. He not only is respectful, gentle, responsible, loving, and a gentleman; he also has an amazing relationship with my son and my family. He really spends quality time with my son doing all the things a father should do. He is concerned about my sons well being and mine too. He adores me, loves me dearly, and has been in love with me ever since we met 16 years ago, and to top it all he wants to marry me. We've had sex a couple of times years ago and just recently when we went on holiday together (as friends). The experience was terrible then, and even so now…and this l believe is because I do not find him sexually attractive at all! We have a great time together, intellectually he stimulates me and his company is great but...I just cannot imagine myself sharing a bed with him every night, kissing him and having sex with him. I sometimes cringe when he touches me and am annoyed when he wants to hug me or wants to be "nice". He is a wonderful man, he would make a perfect partner and an amazing father (my son adores him), but I am just not attracted to him. My mother and siblings, well everybody we know really, tells me that if I let him go I will never find anybody better than him; especially because I am not getting any younger. They also tell me that I am the one with the problem and should try and change my mind set to seeing him as this desirable man...how possible is that... I am starting to believe them and I am afraid of being alone, or ending up with another “the father of my son” type.

It felt great knowing that m not alone! M married for 10 yrs. My husband is a Wonderful Man!! Im not attracted to him even before we got married But HES SOOO Good !! Everyone that knows him says the same thing!!! We have one child , but since we had d baby , NO SEX!!! its not that m complaining but Im not attracted to him anymore, I feel bad m guilty all d time! So sometimes when Im LOnely , I drink alone ,watch movies and cry , and feel sorry for myself! I said to myself well maybe I deserve this! or just my fate in life! Or Its my fault anyways I married him n d first place! Wish sometimes hes bad it woud have been easy to Leave him!

Found your posting while feeling a bit lost and lonely in my newly acquired apartment after separating from husband of 12 years.
On the one hand, it's nice to know I am not alone in that I married someone that I knew was not right for me sexually, but whom I loved dearly as an amazing partner and friend. He is my second husband. My first marriage ended for other reasons and ironically he has come back into my life now that he is also separated from his second wife.
With husband #2, I was always upfront about my feeling that something huge was missing in our relationship. He assured me we could make it work. We have developed a terrible and unhealthy dynamic over these dozen plus years of my deferring decisions to his 'wisdom.' Now I resent him a great deal. Now, two wonderful children later, I have put off or been talked out of going back to school to pursue a new, self-sufficient career. I am terrified to give up my life and be on my own, taking care of myself and my children financially. Without my husband, I know I will never live the kind of life we have had together, as a single parent. I feel terribly guilty for my children; they did not deserve to have us create them and then split up.
But like so many others who have posted here.... I have no desire for my husband - and never did. I put out on a weekly basis because I felt it was the right thing to do. And for him, it was always just fine, because he was essentially a virgin when I met him. But after years and years of feeling depressed and unfulfilled, and needing so badly to have a partnership in which the level of desire was equal - we decided to give having an "open marriage" a try. I think we both thought that if we had our sexual needs met outside of the marriage, but were able to retain our loving and supportive 'best-friends' relationship as a married couple and parents to our children, that we could feel fulfilled. We were naive. I met a man with whom the sexual chemistry is so strong, it feels tangible, and I no longer could even bring myself to still having sex with my husband. That devastated him. He found a sexual partner as well, but does not have that amazing spark that I now have with my lover. Unfortunately, my lover, though we have been together for over a year and have come to love one another, is not really partnership material. So, now I have this great sex, but not the great companionship or stability, or comfort.
I read what other women have posted here, about staying in the marriage, and things not getting better. I am so sad for these people. This is the fence on which I teeter now. Though we are separated, we still are trying to determine whether or not to finally split. I think he feels he needs to move on definitely. Whereas I am feeling so sad and melancholy without him (but really, without the "family" without that whole package that we created; him as a person, individually... I'm not actually sure if I miss him that way). My parents love him. I love my in-laws. I know that our splitting up will create this HUGE chasm not just for our immediate family, but for everyone else on both sides of our family.
And then I try to imagine meeting someone and experiencing the kind of comfort that I have felt with my current husband... but with a new person - and I wonder - how is it possible? So much of the feelings of "comfort" stem from our history, from sharing memories, from relating to each other because of the history and what we have created. I talk myself into believing that finding happiness with someone is simply not possible - and I get so discouraged, and then imagine living out my life as this lonely, sad old woman. But I know that's ridiculous. I also recognize that I must find happiness from within....
I'm sure that once I finish this new field of study and get a full-time job and am busy with all of that, that I'll look back on splitting up from my current husband and go, "man, I really had my priorities f__ked up and now I've lost the best thing that I ever had."
I hope, however, that I can remain strong, and feel confident, and just move on and be open to new love, or new opportunities, or perhaps even a new/better relationship with current husband where we don't have to be married to be happy.

I understand completely. I've been married 35 years, met when we were in college. Get along beautifully and are the best of friends. He's tender, caring, sweet, smart, but...doesn't turn me on. There is someone else who does but unfortunately he possesses fewer of the good qualities of my husband except for that all important issue of physical attraction.
What to do? I've decided to take the seemingly unwise and unpopular plunge toward life with the new guy, risking stability, assured good treatment, intellectual compatibility, and mutual respect. I hope it works. I love both of them. Whoever gets turned on by my husband in the future will be a very lucky woman indeed.

Do you have children? How is this working for you?

Ladied if you are Christian and can take a little time out to read amd pray ( which is sometimes a hige challenge for me) I have started praying and reading the book by Stormie Omartin "the Power of a Praying Wife" its a good book and it has helped in yhe past but sometimes I get frustrated with him and overwhelmed with other things and I put the book down. Anyway I have picked it back up, its the only thing I know to do.

Wow, I can't believe how many of us are all in the same boat. I have been married 24 years and I love my husband but there is no physical attraction left at all. He weighs over 300 lbs and I am disgusted with his stomach. I have tried everything to get him to lose weight amd he does sometimes but puts it all back on. When we are sitting in the livingroom eating at night he breaths so heavy trying to shovel in the food and it bothers me terribly. I have felt so bad that I'm being so critical but I know its becz there are so many other underlying issues. He is very lazy, my house is falling apart and on his days of he sits in the recliner watching tv allll day. For years he was such a hot head and self centered that I slowly started to resent him and dislike him. I had a man come into my life a couple years ago that completely woke up my sex drive that I thot no longer existed. Nothing physical happened between us just flirting texting but I told my husband that this happened snd I reslly needed to feel some passion between us and attraction but he needed to lose weight. The other guy was a body builder by the way. Anyway he did not take me serious and here we still are. I just resently had major surgery and he has been so unsympathetic of my pain and suffering that it is making me want someone eles all over again. I have left a lot out but I'm trying to get to the point quickly. What do I do?

Wow I thought I was the only one that felt like this and felt soooo alone! My husband and I have been married 4 years and we now have two young children. I absolutely cannot stand him and the thought of sex with him makes me want to gag. I think of every excuse I can to get out of it! His penis is EXTREMELY small, he has no bedroom moves and comes the second we get started. He claims he wants to get items to fix this, but hasn't actually made steps to do do. I love him and dont want to cheat, but I'm not attracted to him anymore at all and as of late, I've been seeing other guys that I'm attracted to and start to feel bad because I want to feel like that towrds my husband but I just dont

Married 16 years and kids. I am attracted to him physically and we have great sex we generally get along but there is something missing. I really detest communicating with him. I feel like he invades my personal space constantly. Perhaps it is more I resent not being independent of him. None of this is rational. Maybe I am just having a midlife crisis moment.

I know exactly how you feel. I love my husband but I hate the thought of having sex with him. I wish I could offer some kind of advice but all I can say is you are not alone.

that just shows how no matter how much two people like each other and can get along, its still not enough if you dont have that spark and desire for each other..

I know exactly how you feel!!! I met my husband when I was 19 and knew very early on that we were not compatible in regards to sexuality and he is the WORST kisser I have ever been with but I always figured that there was A LOT more to a relationship than sex and thought we would ultimately adjust to one another but I am in the same place. I feel like I am attracted to almost any male other than my husband. We are 15 years in and I have not found a solution... I dunno... I am not helping. Good Luck.

I thought I was the only one who felt that way. Its been 16yrs. for us. I don\'t know if I should feel relieved or scared to find out this is more common than I thought. Thanks for your post.

I am engaged to someone who is the best partner I could ask for in every regard but sexual compatibility. I am about to call off the engagement. Based on your experience, is that the right call?

Yes from exp married a great guy but had sex with him only after marriage and it was never good (had great sex with other partners before marriage). Have given my best to make sex better but its come to a point where its pointless. We are otherwise happy and have 2 girls but this aspect has killed a part of my individuality and expression.

I could have written exactly the same words with the same tone and the same thoughts... it feels like we are identical twins in that situation. I married my husband 24 years ago not because I he was the love of my life but because we were and still are so compatible. We are true soulmates and I feel I am me with him, no fake, no pretense, just the way I am. I very much respect him and cannot find any fault in him but I never ever was sexually attracted to him. For the first 20 years, I just gave in all the time to his pressures of having sex without ever enjoying it. Just rushing to get it over and done with. At some point I even thought something was wrong with me. Then, 4 years ago I met a man that I awakened my sexual desire and for the first time in my life I knew what it meant to have sexual feelings. I almost had an affair with him but my catholic upbringing prevented me from having sex with him. I told my husband about this attraction and also that I didn't want to sleep with him any more. This brought our wonderful relationship to the brink of destruction. We went to marriage counselling and the guy said that I had a problem with my pituitary gland. To make a long story short: I told my husband that I would be overjoyed if he found someone that loved him and desired him deeply because I really want him to be happy; however, he said that he loves me and wants me and nobody else. So, with time, our relationship slipped back into the old routine. The only difference is that he gets grumpy every four weeks and I give him rushed pity sex. It seems that he didn't learn a thing from our marriage crisis and he has forgotten everything I had told him about my lack of attraction to him. I hate myself for doing this to my body and try to constantly justify my behaviour rationally. But deep down inside I am so unhappy that I live the way I do with him. We have three wonderful kids and get along really well otherwise. We have the same sense of humor and are made for each other as friends. He wants to go on vacation with me alone, now that we can leave the children by themselves for one week, but I really don't want to share a bed with him. I know that he would just want to have sex all the time on vacation and the thought absolutely horrifies me. But I cannot hurt him again and put him through this pain of telling him how much I am repulsed by him and his body. It's terrible to say this about my husband but I cannot help it. I tried for 20 years to love him and read millions of books on the topic. But my brain refuses to feel attracted to him and I knew it from the very first kiss. I feel so guilty of robbing him of the experience of someone loving him and making love to him not forced pity sex. Because of this guilt, I spoil him like crazy and do everything for him. I am the best wife a husband could wish for. But I feel so very lonely sometimes and I once in my life would like to fall asleep next to someone that I enjoy touching and cuddling up against. If we were to separate, I would be devastated because he is my very best friend. So, I am stuck and the best years of my life are floating away. My mom always says that I should count my lucky stars to to have a husband like that. She just tells me to close my eyes and have sex. She says that I will never find such a perfect man in my life again and that little bit of sex shouldn't determine my life in poverty some day should I get divorced. Do you feel the same?

My situation is similar apart from the being the great wife part and the mom part (My mom would probably be thrilled if I left my hubby). I have no idea what to do. I felt like you did that there is something wrong with me because I never have attraction towards him so I am never in the mood. I feel awful but there is a man I am very attracted to right now who is also a close friend of mine so when I need to have sex with my husband I pretend he is that other guy. That is not nice and I would be mad if he did that to me. Are we supposed to feel attraction to our mates? Do other people?

Omg! I am in the same situation. I have zero desire to have sex with my hubby and haven't since we married 28 yrs ago. He truly is a great husband though. I feel so bad about this and I am very sexually frustrated. I had a brief affair a few years back and it totally broke my husbands heart. He told me that if I wanted to leave he would never take me back. So I stayed with him out of fear of not being able to support myself, etc. well 6 year later I still have no desire to be with him and find myself wanting to meet other men. I long for that spark with someone and I know my husband deserves to be with some one and share that spark too. I am 51 years old and feel that my life is just passing me by. I would love to talk to someone about this as I have never told any of my friends. I am living a lie every day. But on the other hand i am scared of being alone too. Anyone else out there going thru this too?

Ache I read this and thought, I AM NOT ALONE? 15 years ago I married a friend and not a lover. I was also raised strict Baptist so because I gave my virginity to him before marriage I felt the only way to correct this sin was to marry him. He is a wonderful Father, he treats me wonderful for the most part. But I hate the sex, I close my eyes every time and I just want it over. Yet I find myself fantasizing about other men, so I know I have a libido. I told him the truth last year. He refused to accept the truth, and because our income is so tight, we depend on eath other to pay the mortgage and care for the kids, he even made indirect threats about suicide and not wanting to live if what I said was true. So I gave in...went along with it...for a few weeks there he became a giving lover, made sure that I had an ****** before he did, and I felt us growing a bit closer. I'm actually repulsed by him at times, he nolonger cares if anybody is around when he passes gas, his teeth or gross...he smokes. He is a clean person, but his lack of caring in other areas just grosses me out. And now I feel like I am living with a roommate that is helping me raise two kids, he has always had a strong sexual appetite for me....but doesn't try anymore to make me ****** first....so I don't even look forward to it, plus I never was physically attracted to him. I feel like I'm dying on the inside....I feel guilt...like I lied to him...I tried to tell him the truth, yet he doesn't want to accept it. Help....

and yes after 15 years of this, I'm considering an affair right now.

Yes yes yes ME! We can so be friends....wow there's a bunch of us out here

Please contact me with your resolution! This is my life!

2 More Responses

your husband does not have to know everything you do. We only live once. You don't have to leave him to get satisfaction.

Are you French? A friend of mine said the French all cheat on each other but don't see anything wrong with it. I am in the exact same position only I have not been married quite as long as any of u. Just over 2 years -_- and already feel this way. I am starting to wonder if the lust has an expiry date because I was well up for sex with my husband until after I had my son, now I'm just not interested. I also wonder if we as humans are more like animals than we realise in that we need the new, exciting, chase/be chased thing in order to make us want sex. Maybe we r nit supposed to be monogomous - maybe society has tricked us all into being with just one person because sleeping around is "dirty" and "impure". I had fun in my younger days sleeping with different people and I am not ashamed to admit it. I recently bumped into an ex I knew since I was 17, we dated when I was 19 but not for long yet there seems to be some MAJOR unfinished business because when I saw him a couple months ago there were fireworks. I saw him another time about 3 years ago, before my husband and I got together, and slept together again, but I lived up the line at the time so it was never going to be more than a bit of fun. Since seeing him a cpl months ago I cant stop thinking about him. He works on the road so isn't around much but I don't care. Except I have a child with my husband and come from divorced parents so I am afraid if I leave, then my son will have the same problems I had growing up. And I know if I cheat he will either find out or ask me to "swear on our sons life". I also feel financially trapped because I couldn't afford to leave.