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I Love Him, But.....

I truly have a wonderful husband, he is thoughtful, fun, my best friend...which is why i married him. We are both on our second marriage...during my time in between marriages, i dated several men...on my FIRST date with my husband i knew i wasnt physically attracted to him, but continued to see him because we are so compatible in every other area. I felt like I was being superficial, immature and ridiculous even thinking of letting this wonderful man go that adores me and my babies so much. Long story short...I DO NOT want to leave him, but 5 years later....its worse...i can't hardly stand the thought of having sex with him...I break down and do it, but never enjoy it, never ******* and at this point I feel horrible for him also, he deserves to feel wanted in that way....not sure what to do. We try vacationing, body oils, massage...but i still have to close my eyes and fantasize until it's over....i miss WANTING a man physically and I am sure he misses being wanted...i find myself thinking several coworkers and colleagues in very inappropriate ways....i'm sexually frustrated, as he has to be as well......suggestions????
deleted deleted 26-30 17 Responses Apr 23, 2012

Your Response


This is a guy talking:

How come nobody noticed the common points here? You all say, that your husband is the best guy ever, on almost every level. Caring, intelligent, good father, a good man, a nice guy and so on..

Women are NOT wired to feel attracion to nice guys. This is your biological, evolutional instinct. You feel attracion to the so-called alpha males. The problem is, they are only about 10-20% of all males... The bigger problem is: the are usually not husband-father material.
80% percent of women want these men, so they can easily fullfill THEIR biological, evolutional instincts: poligamy.
Women's instinct is Hypergamy, meaning they only want one man, but ALWAYS the BEST available.
Being an alpha male is not only being good looking, having a nice body, but self-confidence, succes, money, social status and dominance. For example Mick Jagger is a clear alpha DESPITE his looks. And thats why you can see average looking guys with beautiful women... the other mentioned things make them alpha.

The husband-father material guys are called betas, or beta-providers. They provide the other things you [women] need: being a nice guy, intellectual, good job, great father, caring and so on. These are NOT attibutes that turn women on sexually.
I am sure you all heard the saying : girls like bad guys, bad boys. These things do not change, these are your instincts. You didn't fell for the smart guy in high school. You fell for the handsome quarterbacks, the guitar-players, the popular guys, and the rich guys. Why would that change?
But as you grow up, you correctly realized that they won't make a good husband and father, as the will not settle down, at least with not most of you. So you married the nice guys, the good guys, whom you had limited sexual attraction with. At best. As I read your post, many of you never felt sexual attracion to the one you married.
After 5-10-30 years, DO NOT BLAME THEM. It was your foul, you shouldn't have married them.
When you found someone else, and cheated on your husband, thats where hypergamy kicked in. (NO, WOMEN ARE NOT MONOGAMOUS). You found someone with better looks, higher social status, with some bad boy attitude, and more dominance over you. One of you even admitted, that the new guys is not that great of a man, but at least you feel attracion. THAT'S WHY!!

So for you women, who at least HAD some sexual attracion in the old days with your husband, i suggest this: try to find the bad-boy in him. Provoke him to stand up against you in many ways. Give the control back to them in almost anything. Let him make decisions, let him be a MAN, and the easiest way to do that, is that you become woman from the 1950s.
If your husbands' looks changed, then DEMAND to change it back. To be truthful, you never should have allowed him to leave himself. It is not so hard to loose a few dozen pounds, gain a little muscle, and gain a little self-confidence with it. Demand it, and help him achive it. And for heavens sake: DO NOT TRY TO TURN HIM INTO A NICE GUY, if he still has some bad-boy attitude. DO NOT let him be submissive, and BE submissive yourself. LET HIM be the dominant in the marriage, in the family. Being dominant is the key.

Sorry for my english, i am from Hungary

It felt great knowing that m not alone! M married for 10 yrs. My husband is a Wonderful Man!! Im not attracted to him even before we got married But HES SOOO Good !! Everyone that knows him says the same thing!!! We have one child , but since we had d baby , NO SEX!!! its not that m complaining but Im not attracted to him anymore, I feel bad m guilty all d time! So sometimes when Im LOnely , I drink alone ,watch movies and cry , and feel sorry for myself! I said to myself well maybe I deserve this! or just my fate in life! Or Its my fault anyways I married him n d first place! Wish sometimes he"s bad it woud have been easy to Leave him! If I m attracted to him, then He would have been a Perfect husband.

I think you need to get divorced. You will never forgive yourself if you don't at least try to be in a relationship with someone you are physically attracted to.

Okay I going to try an put this nice for all of yall woman for the most part all of yall knew this before u married the man so it ur own Damn fault an two this cheating or wanting to cheat on ur husband when u knew from start u was not going to be sexually satisfied him is what u excepted for the other qualities so stop complaining an wanting to cheat. An another thing for all u woman that has wrote saying the samething that u knew from start are the most selfish in considerate ppl I have heard of to marry an take advantage of a good man an not truly want him Sexually when u have taken the chance he could have really found someone that would be happy with him in every way.I mean all of yall woman for the longest time have put men to be the ones that don't care an cheat an are the sorry ones when what yall are doing is the most twisted thing I have ever heard marrying a man an take his life away for ur on personal gain an then cheating an thinking of other men so woman who are the real sorry ppl now because I will tell u now a man that is not at least sexually attracted to the woman in the beginning there would never have even been a relationship maybe yall woman need to learn a few things for males about not getting involved with ppl u don't want to be having sex with. I am sorry I sound crime but about time a man put his opinion in this crock of ****.

Sorry I hate how this phone does the word correct I mean cruel

Yes. You are cruel, and judgmental

I'm not sure I agree entirely with this statement. Some people get married so young.....their children and they still don't know what they want. I got married when I was 19 to a man that I have no interest in whatsoever. We've been married now for 8- years, and we have 3 children. I had a hurtful childhood and he was the first person who came along that actually treated me like a human being. I let his kindness influence my decision to be with him. If only I would have waited, then I would have gathered experience and married someone that was a good fit for me. I am miserable in my marriage...... I don't want to be married to my spouse, but this is the bed that I made and I don't have a chose but to sleep in it. I don't agree with cheating or getting a divorce, because I'm living through my mistake. But, I do believe that we need to have a little more compassion on people who have also made the same mistake as myself.

How did you find this experience or are you just picking experiences you don't agree with so you can project your dissatisfaction on to others? By the way if one has to start a with a statement like "Okay I going to try an put this nice for all of yall woman" it not only implies that he/she is already aware their point will be insulting but it also proves that one is too lazy to learn the language with which they've decided to make their point in. Get a life!

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ive been married 3 and half years and i dont know if i ever did love my husband or was just looking at stability . i dont feel physically attracted to him anf he irratates the hell out of , its like being married to a child at times, we have nothing in common and he has nothing interesting to talk about . i really want to get out but feel so trapped, ive been trying to make things work but being married for only 3 years no kids we hardly have sex but he says its my fault coz of the things i say to him when i am angry. i cant belive i mad such a big mistake alot of it was family pressure.

I'm pretty much in the same boat as everyone here. I have the most amazing husband. He treats me great and spoils me rotten. He has a great job , we travel a lot (too much), financially supports me, and we barely fight. I'm so lucky to have him. We've been married 5 years and together for 9. I find him handsome but there is no sexual chemistry. I force myself to sleep with him weekly. Ive always thought it was my libido. We ended up separating last year for 7 months bc his job takes him overseas frequently and I was trying to decide if that's the lifestyle I want. I ended up meeting a guy 15 years older then me and we had instant chemistry . Sparks flying like I've never felt with anyone. And I was not looking to meet anyone. The guy knew I was separated . And my husband knew I met someone else. We dated for 5 months. I found out its not my libido bc the OM thought I could be a sex addict. My husband said he couldn't live without me, and I do adore him, he's too good of a guy to let go of. So we are back together. But I constantly think of the amazing sex and chemistry I shared w the OM. I know it was morally wrong and even though I'm a flirty person I've never thought of taking it farther. But I just wish I could have that chemistry with my husband. I know the OM is not good for me , and I want to get him out of my head. My hubby thinks I just never have had a sex drive . Wish I could make myself have this chemistry w my (almost) perfect husband . What's wrong w me?!

This is my life exactly.. I could have written this post. Have you ever found peace/a resolution?

Wow. Your experiences are scary (sorry). I am a 31 year old single mom to a wonderful 4 year old boy. The father of my son, (whom I was completely crazy inlove with, who sparked and satisfied all my sexual desires) is a complete loser - the last time he saw my son he was 6 weeks old; he is irresponsible, selfish, lazy among other things...and so I made the decision that the next man I devote myself to, who will be a father to my son and be a great example to him, would be the complete opposite. I have met that man, we've actually known each other for 16 years, as best friends. He not only is respectful, gentle, responsible, loving, and a gentleman; he also has an amazing relationship with my son and my family. He really spends quality time with my son doing all the things a father should do. He is concerned about my sons well being and mine too. He adores me, loves me dearly, and has been in love with me ever since we met 16 years ago, and to top it all he wants to marry me. We've had sex a couple of times years ago and just recently when we went on holiday together (as friends). The experience was terrible then, and even so now…and this l believe is because I do not find him sexually attractive at all! We have a great time together, intellectually he stimulates me and his company is great but...I just cannot imagine myself sharing a bed with him every night, kissing him and having sex with him. I sometimes cringe when he touches me and am annoyed when he wants to hug me or wants to be "nice". He is a wonderful man, he would make a perfect partner and an amazing father (my son adores him), but I am just not attracted to him. My mother and siblings, well everybody we know really, tells me that if I let him go I will never find anybody better than him; especially because I am not getting any younger. They also tell me that I am the one with the problem and should try and change my mind set to seeing him as this desirable possible is that... I am starting to believe them and I am afraid of being alone, or ending up with another “the father of my son” type.

It felt great knowing that m not alone! M married for 10 yrs. My husband is a Wonderful Man!! Im not attracted to him even before we got married But HES SOOO Good !! Everyone that knows him says the same thing!!! We have one child , but since we had d baby , NO SEX!!! its not that m complaining but Im not attracted to him anymore, I feel bad m guilty all d time! So sometimes when Im LOnely , I drink alone ,watch movies and cry , and feel sorry for myself! I said to myself well maybe I deserve this! or just my fate in life! Or Its my fault anyways I married him n d first place! Wish sometimes hes bad it woud have been easy to Leave him!

Found your posting while feeling a bit lost and lonely in my newly acquired apartment after separating from husband of 12 years.
On the one hand, it's nice to know I am not alone in that I married someone that I knew was not right for me sexually, but whom I loved dearly as an amazing partner and friend. He is my second husband. My first marriage ended for other reasons and ironically he has come back into my life now that he is also separated from his second wife.
With husband #2, I was always upfront about my feeling that something huge was missing in our relationship. He assured me we could make it work. We have developed a terrible and unhealthy dynamic over these dozen plus years of my deferring decisions to his 'wisdom.' Now I resent him a great deal. Now, two wonderful children later, I have put off or been talked out of going back to school to pursue a new, self-sufficient career. I am terrified to give up my life and be on my own, taking care of myself and my children financially. Without my husband, I know I will never live the kind of life we have had together, as a single parent. I feel terribly guilty for my children; they did not deserve to have us create them and then split up.
But like so many others who have posted here.... I have no desire for my husband - and never did. I put out on a weekly basis because I felt it was the right thing to do. And for him, it was always just fine, because he was essentially a virgin when I met him. But after years and years of feeling depressed and unfulfilled, and needing so badly to have a partnership in which the level of desire was equal - we decided to give having an "open marriage" a try. I think we both thought that if we had our sexual needs met outside of the marriage, but were able to retain our loving and supportive 'best-friends' relationship as a married couple and parents to our children, that we could feel fulfilled. We were naive. I met a man with whom the sexual chemistry is so strong, it feels tangible, and I no longer could even bring myself to still having sex with my husband. That devastated him. He found a sexual partner as well, but does not have that amazing spark that I now have with my lover. Unfortunately, my lover, though we have been together for over a year and have come to love one another, is not really partnership material. So, now I have this great sex, but not the great companionship or stability, or comfort.
I read what other women have posted here, about staying in the marriage, and things not getting better. I am so sad for these people. This is the fence on which I teeter now. Though we are separated, we still are trying to determine whether or not to finally split. I think he feels he needs to move on definitely. Whereas I am feeling so sad and melancholy without him (but really, without the "family" without that whole package that we created; him as a person, individually... I'm not actually sure if I miss him that way). My parents love him. I love my in-laws. I know that our splitting up will create this HUGE chasm not just for our immediate family, but for everyone else on both sides of our family.
And then I try to imagine meeting someone and experiencing the kind of comfort that I have felt with my current husband... but with a new person - and I wonder - how is it possible? So much of the feelings of "comfort" stem from our history, from sharing memories, from relating to each other because of the history and what we have created. I talk myself into believing that finding happiness with someone is simply not possible - and I get so discouraged, and then imagine living out my life as this lonely, sad old woman. But I know that's ridiculous. I also recognize that I must find happiness from within....
I'm sure that once I finish this new field of study and get a full-time job and am busy with all of that, that I'll look back on splitting up from my current husband and go, "man, I really had my priorities f__ked up and now I've lost the best thing that I ever had."
I hope, however, that I can remain strong, and feel confident, and just move on and be open to new love, or new opportunities, or perhaps even a new/better relationship with current husband where we don't have to be married to be happy.

I understand completely. I've been married 35 years, met when we were in college. Get along beautifully and are the best of friends. He's tender, caring, sweet, smart, but...doesn't turn me on. There is someone else who does but unfortunately he possesses fewer of the good qualities of my husband except for that all important issue of physical attraction.
What to do? I've decided to take the seemingly unwise and unpopular plunge toward life with the new guy, risking stability, assured good treatment, intellectual compatibility, and mutual respect. I hope it works. I love both of them. Whoever gets turned on by my husband in the future will be a very lucky woman indeed.

Do you have children? How is this working for you?

Ladied if you are Christian and can take a little time out to read amd pray ( which is sometimes a hige challenge for me) I have started praying and reading the book by Stormie Omartin "the Power of a Praying Wife" its a good book and it has helped in yhe past but sometimes I get frustrated with him and overwhelmed with other things and I put the book down. Anyway I have picked it back up, its the only thing I know to do.

Wow, I can't believe how many of us are all in the same boat. I have been married 24 years and I love my husband but there is no physical attraction left at all. He weighs over 300 lbs and I am disgusted with his stomach. I have tried everything to get him to lose weight amd he does sometimes but puts it all back on. When we are sitting in the livingroom eating at night he breaths so heavy trying to shovel in the food and it bothers me terribly. I have felt so bad that I'm being so critical but I know its becz there are so many other underlying issues. He is very lazy, my house is falling apart and on his days of he sits in the recliner watching tv allll day. For years he was such a hot head and self centered that I slowly started to resent him and dislike him. I had a man come into my life a couple years ago that completely woke up my sex drive that I thot no longer existed. Nothing physical happened between us just flirting texting but I told my husband that this happened snd I reslly needed to feel some passion between us and attraction but he needed to lose weight. The other guy was a body builder by the way. Anyway he did not take me serious and here we still are. I just resently had major surgery and he has been so unsympathetic of my pain and suffering that it is making me want someone eles all over again. I have left a lot out but I'm trying to get to the point quickly. What do I do?

Married 16 years and kids. I am attracted to him physically and we have great sex we generally get along but there is something missing. I really detest communicating with him. I feel like he invades my personal space constantly. Perhaps it is more I resent not being independent of him. None of this is rational. Maybe I am just having a midlife crisis moment.

I know exactly how you feel. I love my husband but I hate the thought of having sex with him. I wish I could offer some kind of advice but all I can say is you are not alone.

that just shows how no matter how much two people like each other and can get along, its still not enough if you dont have that spark and desire for each other..

I know exactly how you feel!!! I met my husband when I was 19 and knew very early on that we were not compatible in regards to sexuality and he is the WORST kisser I have ever been with but I always figured that there was A LOT more to a relationship than sex and thought we would ultimately adjust to one another but I am in the same place. I feel like I am attracted to almost any male other than my husband. We are 15 years in and I have not found a solution... I dunno... I am not helping. Good Luck.

I thought I was the only one who felt that way. Its been 16yrs. for us. I don\'t know if I should feel relieved or scared to find out this is more common than I thought. Thanks for your post.

I am engaged to someone who is the best partner I could ask for in every regard but sexual compatibility. I am about to call off the engagement. Based on your experience, is that the right call?

Yes from exp married a great guy but had sex with him only after marriage and it was never good (had great sex with other partners before marriage). Have given my best to make sex better but its come to a point where its pointless. We are otherwise happy and have 2 girls but this aspect has killed a part of my individuality and expression.

I could have written exactly the same words with the same tone and the same thoughts... it feels like we are identical twins in that situation. I married my husband 24 years ago not because I he was the love of my life but because we were and still are so compatible. We are true soulmates and I feel I am me with him, no fake, no pretense, just the way I am. I very much respect him and cannot find any fault in him but I never ever was sexually attracted to him. For the first 20 years, I just gave in all the time to his pressures of having sex without ever enjoying it. Just rushing to get it over and done with. At some point I even thought something was wrong with me. Then, 4 years ago I met a man that I awakened my sexual desire and for the first time in my life I knew what it meant to have sexual feelings. I almost had an affair with him but my catholic upbringing prevented me from having sex with him. I told my husband about this attraction and also that I didn't want to sleep with him any more. This brought our wonderful relationship to the brink of destruction. We went to marriage counselling and the guy said that I had a problem with my pituitary gland. To make a long story short: I told my husband that I would be overjoyed if he found someone that loved him and desired him deeply because I really want him to be happy; however, he said that he loves me and wants me and nobody else. So, with time, our relationship slipped back into the old routine. The only difference is that he gets grumpy every four weeks and I give him rushed pity sex. It seems that he didn't learn a thing from our marriage crisis and he has forgotten everything I had told him about my lack of attraction to him. I hate myself for doing this to my body and try to constantly justify my behaviour rationally. But deep down inside I am so unhappy that I live the way I do with him. We have three wonderful kids and get along really well otherwise. We have the same sense of humor and are made for each other as friends. He wants to go on vacation with me alone, now that we can leave the children by themselves for one week, but I really don't want to share a bed with him. I know that he would just want to have sex all the time on vacation and the thought absolutely horrifies me. But I cannot hurt him again and put him through this pain of telling him how much I am repulsed by him and his body. It's terrible to say this about my husband but I cannot help it. I tried for 20 years to love him and read millions of books on the topic. But my brain refuses to feel attracted to him and I knew it from the very first kiss. I feel so guilty of robbing him of the experience of someone loving him and making love to him not forced pity sex. Because of this guilt, I spoil him like crazy and do everything for him. I am the best wife a husband could wish for. But I feel so very lonely sometimes and I once in my life would like to fall asleep next to someone that I enjoy touching and cuddling up against. If we were to separate, I would be devastated because he is my very best friend. So, I am stuck and the best years of my life are floating away. My mom always says that I should count my lucky stars to to have a husband like that. She just tells me to close my eyes and have sex. She says that I will never find such a perfect man in my life again and that little bit of sex shouldn't determine my life in poverty some day should I get divorced. Do you feel the same?

My situation is similar apart from the being the great wife part and the mom part (My mom would probably be thrilled if I left my hubby). I have no idea what to do. I felt like you did that there is something wrong with me because I never have attraction towards him so I am never in the mood. I feel awful but there is a man I am very attracted to right now who is also a close friend of mine so when I need to have sex with my husband I pretend he is that other guy. That is not nice and I would be mad if he did that to me. Are we supposed to feel attraction to our mates? Do other people?

Omg! I am in the same situation. I have zero desire to have sex with my hubby and haven't since we married 28 yrs ago. He truly is a great husband though. I feel so bad about this and I am very sexually frustrated. I had a brief affair a few years back and it totally broke my husbands heart. He told me that if I wanted to leave he would never take me back. So I stayed with him out of fear of not being able to support myself, etc. well 6 year later I still have no desire to be with him and find myself wanting to meet other men. I long for that spark with someone and I know my husband deserves to be with some one and share that spark too. I am 51 years old and feel that my life is just passing me by. I would love to talk to someone about this as I have never told any of my friends. I am living a lie every day. But on the other hand i am scared of being alone too. Anyone else out there going thru this too?

Ache I read this and thought, I AM NOT ALONE? 15 years ago I married a friend and not a lover. I was also raised strict Baptist so because I gave my virginity to him before marriage I felt the only way to correct this sin was to marry him. He is a wonderful Father, he treats me wonderful for the most part. But I hate the sex, I close my eyes every time and I just want it over. Yet I find myself fantasizing about other men, so I know I have a libido. I told him the truth last year. He refused to accept the truth, and because our income is so tight, we depend on eath other to pay the mortgage and care for the kids, he even made indirect threats about suicide and not wanting to live if what I said was true. So I gave in...went along with it...for a few weeks there he became a giving lover, made sure that I had an ****** before he did, and I felt us growing a bit closer. I'm actually repulsed by him at times, he nolonger cares if anybody is around when he passes gas, his teeth or gross...he smokes. He is a clean person, but his lack of caring in other areas just grosses me out. And now I feel like I am living with a roommate that is helping me raise two kids, he has always had a strong sexual appetite for me....but doesn't try anymore to make me ****** I don't even look forward to it, plus I never was physically attracted to him. I feel like I'm dying on the inside....I feel I lied to him...I tried to tell him the truth, yet he doesn't want to accept it. Help....

and yes after 15 years of this, I'm considering an affair right now.

your husband does not have to know everything you do. We only live once. You don't have to leave him to get satisfaction.

Are you French? A friend of mine said the French all cheat on each other but don't see anything wrong with it. I am in the exact same position only I have not been married quite as long as any of u. Just over 2 years -_- and already feel this way. I am starting to wonder if the lust has an expiry date because I was well up for sex with my husband until after I had my son, now I'm just not interested. I also wonder if we as humans are more like animals than we realise in that we need the new, exciting, chase/be chased thing in order to make us want sex. Maybe we r nit supposed to be monogomous - maybe society has tricked us all into being with just one person because sleeping around is "dirty" and "impure". I had fun in my younger days sleeping with different people and I am not ashamed to admit it. I recently bumped into an ex I knew since I was 17, we dated when I was 19 but not for long yet there seems to be some MAJOR unfinished business because when I saw him a couple months ago there were fireworks. I saw him another time about 3 years ago, before my husband and I got together, and slept together again, but I lived up the line at the time so it was never going to be more than a bit of fun. Since seeing him a cpl months ago I cant stop thinking about him. He works on the road so isn't around much but I don't care. Except I have a child with my husband and come from divorced parents so I am afraid if I leave, then my son will have the same problems I had growing up. And I know if I cheat he will either find out or ask me to "swear on our sons life". I also feel financially trapped because I couldn't afford to leave.