It's Not What's Inside That Counts

For as long as I can remember I have been teased and taunted about my looks. I look at myself sometimes and I hate what I see. My own family members even call me ugly. Even some of my ex. boyfriend's family members look at me and talk about me behind my back. They wonder what the guys see in me. I've always felt like an outsider because of the way I've been treated. I have a wonderful personality. I show love to everyone and everything. If anyone needs me, I'm always there and I never judge people on their appearance. People are so quick to say "it's whats inside that counts". LMAO Yeah Right, not in this lifetime!

School was hard. I can't stand to look at my school yearbook pictures to this day. I swear even the teachers used to look at me funny. It got worse during my last year in Jr. High. This one person in particular made my life a living hell. He used to call me gorilla. He used to say I looked like Whoopi Goldberg and that my dad must have been King Kong and my mom is Godzilla. He was popular so almost everyone in my class would laugh and repeat everything he said. My only friend in the class was this other girl that was going through the same thing I was. She hurt me lots of times by joining the "fun" sometimes too. Maybe because she was happy to not be the butt of all jokes that day. No one knew what was going on in my personal life, though. I was already going through hell. I had just found out that my dad had HIV and my mom was in the process of divorcing him. Plus, we were about to be kicked out of our house and had nowhere to go. It got so bad-I would skip school alot because I just wanted a break from it all. My mom ended up going to court because I missed so many days and I ended up in summer school because I failed 2 subjects and my state test. My family was angry with me because they thought I was just being rebellious. My mom even called truant officers on me a couple of times when I was just too depressed to get out of bed in the mornings. They would come over and threaten to arrest me, scream and curse at me for no reason and my mom was loving it all. I was so depressed, I started thinking about suicide. I just didn't know what else to do. So, I decided to tell my mom that I had a problem and needed help. I went to a psychatrist.

Then, I got to High School. I was still an outsider. My 10th grade year, I was in a drama class. We were doing a play about Madame C.J Walker for black history. It meant alot to me. I was susposed to be the lead. I skipped school one day and when I went back my teacher told me I would be playing her daughter instead. I was VERY disappointed. I talked to a close friend about it and he said "I didn't really want to tell you this but...When you weren't here, our teacher announced who would play different characters in the play at a meeting. When she said your name, almost everyone laughed or said "Ewwww". So, she made some changes." I was so upset I barely went to practice but still won best supporting actress at the state rally. People still treated me horribly and I couldn't deal with it anymore. So, that year, I quit school and got my G.E.D.

Now (a couple of years later), some of the people who used to tease me see me and they want to be with me.  People tell me I'm beautiful all the time but I ignore them and laugh because I KNOW I'm not. I'm the ugly duckling without a happy ending.

Shonda Shonda
22-25, F
6 Responses Mar 12, 2008

You have been called beautiful you say lastly. I think that shows something.

"I never judge people on their appearance. People are so quick to say "it's whats inside that counts". LMAO Yeah Right, not in this lifetime!"<br />
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this was a quote from your story. you know, it's sad, but i tend to agree with it. the media's idea of beauty cripples real women and i can't stand it. but i am weak because i allow myself to be affected by it. i just wish i didn't have to feel so awful about myself and i wish i could truly believe that it's what's inside that counts.<br />
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i cant say i've never judged anyone in the past, but i always strive to treat people right, no matter what. it just doesnt mean i will fall head over heels in love with someone unless there's at least a spark of chemistry between us. i'm not shallow, but i just know what i like and dont like in a romantic partner. and knowing this, how i am basically kind and nonjudgmental, but at the same time have certain standards, i believe that everyone has these same feelings. am i wrong? that's why i find it hard to believe that anyone would want me because they have certain standards as well and i am far from perfect. someone please help me out here. i am so confused. thx.<br />

So true NaNeenah. It hasn't been that long for me but I have a feeling I will NEVER forget the faces of the people that made my life a living hell. Plus, I'll be seeing some of them when I start college this summer *sighs*.

thanks, spacenut. when i see the people that used to tease me, they don't even recognize me but i will remember their faces forever. it's hard forgetting the faces that used to terrorize you, ya know?

hey shonda, thanks for sharing. i was nodding while i was reading your story b/c i could definitely relate to some of things you went thru. i was definitely teased when i was in school, but not to degree that you were. whether it's being teased a lil bit or a lot, it still hurts. it definitely killed the lil bit of self esteem i did have. it's been 8 years since i graduated from high school and sometimes i still feel the pain from those days. but you know, i just take one day at a time...

I'm so sorry that you had to go throught that for so long. I also think that everyone is beautiful in their own unique way. The problem is....most of the time, they are the only ones (and maybe a few others) who can see it. No one else really cares enough to see the beauty in others. Maybe I just worry about what other people think about me a little too much. Partly because I want to eventually bacome an A-list actress and they're in the spotlight all the time. They try hard to be perfect because people pick out about every single flaw even the smallest ones.