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Happy Anniversary To Me... Not!

So, today is my 17th wedding anniversary, yes, 4-9-94 - woohoo!!  SOOOOO not!!

I am relieved this year that our children have not remembered because the last couple of years, they have and then they have asked us what we are going to do and if we have a card for each other, etc... This year, not a word has been spoken by anyone.  Whew!

The last couple of years we have gotten away with having a "family" anniversary dinner so that has helped take the pressure off of my stbx husband and I.  

It's sad if I allow myself to think about it too much, but I am relieved that we have come to an amicable and mutual decision that divorce is the kindest and best thing we can do for ourselves, our children and each other.  We are just NOT compatible at all in so many ways.  Many would probably find themselves wondering how we got together at all if we were so incompatible... I know I wonder!  

Well, the man that I married no longer exists - he disappeared really even before the wedding!  My stbx has never figured out who he is and who he wants to be... what makes him happy, what he wants out of life and a relationship.  When we dated he was "trying" out another "personality" I guess you can call it.  I use this analogy and he agreed.  He keeps trying on personalities or identities like a suit of clothes - trying on the entire suit and if one part doesn't "fit" he gets rid of the entire suit - it is all or nothing.  So that "suit" that he was "wearing" when we dated, it wasn't a good "fit" for him; it exhausted him to be that person - it didn't fit his personality.  So, he gave it up and also resented me for the lack of "fit" - I "made" him be that person.  I actually believed that for quite awhile - NOT ANYMORE!  

Anyway, back to the point of THIS story.  Today marks the 17th Anniversary of our wedding vows, and instead of celebrating, I'm trying to just forget the significance of this date.  I can't say that I totally regret the decision to marry him because I have two beautiful children from this marriage, but it can  be very tempting to entertain the idea of where I would be on this day IF I had not married him.  I just try to resist that temptation and focus on the blessings of our marriage.

Who know where I will be this time next year, but I do know, I will no longer be married to this man or probably anyone else and hopefully, I will be happier, settled and content with the life that I am daring to create for myself and my children.

AND MAYBE someday, I will be able to join a group about Happily Celebrating my Wedding Anniversary!  
DorothyofOz DorothyofOz 41-45, F 15 Responses Apr 9, 2011

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I dated a man like this. He couldn't figure out who he was. I was completely shocked when he broke up with me. He had been living a lie for so long he just finally snapped. He hated me so much and never wanted to see me ever again. Now he lives in the USA and joined a gay-bashing church and married some poor girl. I hope for her sake he's figured himself out. So sorry you had to go through this!

I'm very similar - fantastic son - now grown up - nothing else going for the relationship - and divorced 4 months ago

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary. We are still living under the same roof, but that's it. I found out about his two year affair about 1 and 1/2 yrs ago. He still has no remorse, only that he was caught and she stayed with her husband of 30 yrs.<br />
It really sucks. Of course he won't remember it isn't important to him.<br />
The last time we celebrated we went to lunch 2 yrs ago. Later I found out he called her several times that night.<br />
So much for that dream:(

Happy belated UNanniversary; I rejoice with you. I spent my 10, 11th AND 12th anniversaries with my EXh the same way; no cards; we had been separated. The games were over and divorce was filed and completed before our 13th anniversary.<br />
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GOOD for you!!!!!

Mahal - what a sweet comment! I don't plan on ever being anyone's second (or third or whatever) choice again! I think it would be a wee bit tougher to get past the Valentine's date as your ex-anniversary but I am in hopes that that day will have WONDERFUL significance again for you some day and that you will be celebrating love found instead of love lost!!<br />
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MTV - you are so right about that, and I think part of what makes that guy that I "have" now so wonderful is his ability to look at the present and not the past (something that he is sharing with me!) - he reminds me to be thankful for those things that I so easily take for granted each day!

You should celebrate the time that you have with the wonderful guy that you have now. For that is what is most important to you and not what was behind you....

Dorothy, first thing.....you are and never will be the consolation prize!!!! :) Secondly, I like the analogy that you used describing your Ex inability to know who he is as a person. When I got married, I thought I married for life since we lived together for ten years first. So deciding to get married on Valentine's day was not a concern. A little difficult not to be conscious of that day when the whole world is celebrating love on the same day. I'm hoping that as each year passes the date and significance will be a long lost memory. I'm hoping that all the wonderful things that are going on in your life will overshadow the sadness of remembering your anniversary. :)

Okay, the lastoutlawpryde, what are you trying to do, make me feel OLD?! LOL!!! At least I know, that unless I had been a teenage mom, I am NOT old enough to be YOUR mother! Thank goodness! LOL! Then, I really would feel old!<br />
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Thanks for commenting though!

Damn when you got married I was 12 years old . . .

EH - I imagine you are correct - they are more worried about their dad living alone and not coping well - they are scared he may do something to himself which is really sad. The wonderful thing that came from that same conversation is that they do NOT worry about me, and I quote, "Mom, we don't worry about you because you are a woman so you are strong!" Wow! If I have not taught my daughters anything else, I hope that is a lesson they take for their whole lives that they are STRONG WOMEN and can handle anything!! Thanks again for the encouragement!<br />
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Chris - you are so sweet - as usual, and yes, I know, you will be there for me - you are a good friend and an amazing man among other things *wink*!!

I agree with eternalhope and I am here for you !

Don't worry about your kids. You'll be surprised at how much they already suspect and how much of your feelings they're sensitive to. <br />
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Yes, there will be difficult times. You'll make it through.

Myemailjulsz - I so appreciate you caring enough to suggest the movie, but I have been there, done that and SOOOOO much more! You probably should read some of my stories because I have been on here for over 2 years and my marriage - it's complete dysfunctional nature has been the subject of 80% of my stories.<br />
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We have been to counselors and pastors and marriage conferences and read books and prayed and watched movies and been lectured by our friends and parents, etc... etc... etc... It is over - he agrees and in fact is a much more pleasant person to share a home with now that he has said that he wants a divorce also. He finally admitted that I have never been what he wanted but he didn't think what he wanted was possible... so I was the consolation prize - nice, huh?!<br />
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EH - I am so thrilled that you commented on my story... I have read many of your stories and comments on here! I believe whole-heartedly that you are right - I will certainly be happier next year - I'm happier this year than I was last year! I believe I have been grieving my marriage for a long time actually - for me, this marriage has been over since about 2008 - I just wasn't sure that I was "allowed" to get out of it officially... so I was trying to cope - BADLY, I might add! <br />
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I already am celebrating "little" victories in my life and trying to stay motivated to work toward finality and "official" closure in this chapter in my life. The only thing that I truly dread doing is telling my children, but they have hinted that they know what is coming and are actually wanting it... so we will see...<br />
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I appreciate the positive and encouraging comments and I look forward to new celebrations and freedom too!!! Thank you!

You will most certainly be happier next year. Why not have a figurative wake? Mourn the marriage and end it. It's over and 17 anniversaries is quite enough. <br />
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Time for new anniversaries. Next year will be celebrating a year of freedom and happiness.

you should watch the movie fire proof.