...and He Is Gone Now

My father was kind enough when he was living with us. Funny, and generous as he could be though, poor most of our lives. But he never connected with us on a "personal" level.
After my parents divorce he disappeared and we never heard from him again. Years later I found that he had left a couple other families (wives and children) this way, they never heard from him again either...

Now, I am a dad... I find weaknesses within me... inabilities that arise when I want or try to be a "good" dad, the way I "think" dad's "ought" to be and how I think that I "should" be. I find my self as though crippled, at times, and my attempts impeded... My best efforts don't seem to turn out as I want. Though I really do try my best, my best efforts often don't look like a "best" , even to me. ...human frailty...

So I look back at that, "human being", filled with frailty who was, my "dad". No doubt he tried his best... Honestly don't believe he was malicious... just very, very broken... (And I am very sad that I have no opportunity to show him the love that he, no doubt, never received from his very, very, very broken dad... for my dad has passed on...)


I AM very thankful that I do have better connection and relationship w/ my children than I had w/ my dad. But I truly hope that their relations ships w/ their children are better than mine w/ them... to see it would bring joy to my heart...