I'm Not

I'm not close with my father, but I'd like to be. He had to move to another state when I was five years old because none of his brothers or sisters would take care of their ill mother, leaving him to do it himself, although he had a young child and they did not. He took care of her until she died when I was around 20 or so. We saw each other four times a year for about two weeks at a time when I was little and that decreased as I got older. Around the age of nine, he became very mean and I couldn't understand why. Later, at around twelve, I found out it was because he was an alcoholic and that was why he behaved that way. But that was when our relationship started to deteriorate and it just got worse. It got very bad, so bad that I refused to see him and did not see him from the time I was 19 until I was 21. I just couldn't handle the fighting. At 21 though, when I next saw him, he brought his wife with him. She has been a godsend for him and for our relationship. My father and I haven't argued or fought one time since I met her. We are still not close. We are still very different people with very different views and will never see eye to eye, but now we just don't talk about those things. He doesn't yell at me because she doesn't let it happen. But although our relationship is better, it is still not good. It is still not a "father/daughter" relationship. Our relationship is akin to amicable acquaintances, but only amicable because his wife keeps it that way. I would like to be close to him, but I fear that will never happen. He was forty years old when I was born and now he is nearly 71. He's getting very old and soon it will be too late, but I just don't know how to make our relationship better. I somewhat recently told him about my mental illnesses-- something I had never let him know about until then-- and I have heard nothing from either of them since although that was about five months ago. That worries me, but I still hold out hope.

Well, I don't know how to end this, so I'll just end it here.
lyricalongings lyricalongings
31-35, F
May 14, 2012