He Just Doesn't Understand.

My mother died when I was 13, and that's when I really began realizing my dad has never actually been there for my siblings and I. That's when I realized my dad would constantly go out and drink with his friends at bars every night. He had (and has) no responsibility. He constantly left me (13 years old at the time) and my brother (16) home alone while my sister was away at college. We would see him maybe once a week or so, but only for MAYBE a few hours? He'd give us money to get food and gas (for my brother's car), and that would be the extent of our time with him. He would come home past when we were asleep, and since he worked we wouldn't see him during the day. I'm in college now and I've forgiven him for all of this and realized he's never going to change as he still goes out with his now fiance to bars and all that. If he wants to do that, I'm not going to stop him. I just wish he had been able to realize how it affected me.
I resent him now, because even though now I know he loves and cares about me, at the time I would stay up crying through the night wondering if my own dad loved me and wondered why he wasn't there for me like a parent should be... Especially after losing a mother. It was all just so stressful. And on top of all this, a year after my mom's death he began dating a new woman. As happy as I am/was for him/them, I believe it was just too soon. I had a lot to take in already, losing my mom and adjusting to having to rely on myself and my brother... When before, I always had a mother I could rely on. It was just so overwhelming and then all the sudden here's this new woman in my dad's life and she had been taking up all his time. He was putting all his time into this woman and not into his own kids. I just couldn't believe it.

I can't understand him just the same way he can't understand me.

I don't know how to really get past all of this when he continues to add stress into my life. I constantly think 'well you weren't there for me so it's your fault I'm ****** up' etc... I'm putting blame on him for my not being successful enough. Well he has a different definition of what success really is, because he wants me to graduate college and get a high-paying job so he won't have to support me anymore (which is what I want too, but I believe he's just rushing me out of the door due to his selfishness). I understand he only wants the best for me, but he's not going about it the right way. All he does is constantly stress me out and remind me that I need to declare my major, get a job, move out, etc. And I'm only 19. I feel like I can't ever catch a break.
kittenswithmittens kittenswithmittens
18-21, F
May 19, 2012