I Don't Know What To Do.

My dad was out of my life for six years physically. But mentally and emotionally he was never there. Now he is back and wants to have a relationship. He doesn't know me at all. I am 21 and he still thinks I like things I did at ten and thinks that I act and am the same way as back then as well. I have come to know Christ and that is a big thing for me. His side of the family has always been "Christian" but they are not very good at it. I don't know. I am not supposed to judge and to think I am better than others but when I look at like what they do and how they act it kind of makes me sad. My grandmother is the biggest gossiper in town and my grandfather is a deacon who watches **** and doesn't treat his wife or kids the way he should. They are always preaching to me though about things and I am learning but what they are teaching me is not what the Bible teaches me either. And my father actually said to me once or actually said to my mother who relayed it back to me "Is she being convicted of anything if she is not then she's not a true Christian." My mother said I was and he said "Yeah like what?" First off he has anger issues and reminds me of a spoiled brat child that always gets their way second it is none of anyone's business what the Lord tells me I am doing wrong in my life. He lives with his parents and I go over sometimes but it is difficult for me and they don't understand that. That side of the family never liked my mother and never condoned my parents marriage although they made a huge deal over the divorce and they always treated my sisters and I differently from out cousins. And now to top it off he just got remarried and I am tolerant of a lot of people and trying my best to love everyone but I have a problem with stupid people. She takes the gold when it comes to stupid. I can't stand people who always act stoned when they're not. She does the Hey would you like this "Whaaaaaaaaaaat?" I want to beat my head into a wall. So now I deal with judgmental grandparents and a stupid women if I go over. He wants me to come over and hang out but I don't really want to hang out with his new wife and I love my grandparents with everything said but it's just weird. Not to mention I still haven't gotten completely over my father telling me he hated me when I was a child on one of my visits over there. I thought we had an OK relationship when I was younger and he wasn't drunk all the time. We would stay up late and watch movies and I wanted to be around him more than my mother when I was younger. When he said that it hurt me a lot just talking about it now is making me tear up. I have talked to him about this and he said he didn't mean it like that just that I always got all the attention when I was younger and I felt like slapping him in the face and saying stupid I was a child children are supposed to get attention from their mothers. Sometimes I will go there and drift off. They all notice it but I just say I am watching TV or that I am tired. But really what I am doing is thinking how long can I stay here call my mother to come get me and have it be like I actually visited then I count the hrs down to the minute and if my mother is late I start getting antsy. It's gotten to be like a chore I go over for a few hrs develop a headache which is usually actually there because I am stressing myself out and their is so much dog hair everywhere that it kills my sinuses then leave. I am also jobless right now so when I need things I go to mom or moms mom my grandma Pam but they don't always have money. My father on the other hand living with my grandma Jan has no bills has a job always has money. When I need something my mother says ask your father he is your father it is OK to ask him for something. I feel like if he buys me something I am obligated to make an appearance at the house. I have a hard time finding little Bible chapters they seem to get lost in the bible so I really wanted bible tabs he bought them for me and I haven't been over yet and it has been eating me up. It is like all I think about. My mother said to stop feeling like that. I just don't know anymore. I am at a loss.
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May 22, 2012