My Damaged Relationship With My Father

To Everyone Whom Cared Enough to Read This,

I'd first like to thank you for taking to time to hear me out, and also would like to introduce myself.

My relationship with my father hasn't been something I speak about to a lot of people, that is if I really ever talked about it to anyone. Let me first start by giving a background on both myself & him. I'm a 21 year old college student, close to God (wish I were closer), have decent amount of friendships, never been in a relationship, and not a fan of alcohol so I've been straightedge most of my life. My father is an individual, whom much like me doesn't drink (cultural norm), long detached from his parents and siblings, and very much into the job of his.

In the past few years of my life I've had a lot of time to examine the things that I liked and those which I didn't. This non-existent relationship with my father is what bothers me the most. As a child he never bothered to take me to the park, movies, or as I got older to go out fishing, play sports, etc. Now, it may come as a surprise to most people that he has for my entire life lived in the same household as myself, my mother, and sister. Although, I sometimes feel as if he isn't even there. My father has never been the one to start conversations with me, (hasn't even given me a phone call in years just to ask what I'm up to or how I am) he doesn't really talk to me in the house (probably share less then 10 words a day), and is quick to start yelling and quite incapable of using ration and talking to me like a civic minded person. This has led to us getting into fist-fights and often shouting at each other because of the way he treats me.

It has bothered me for the longest time as to how horrible our relationship is between one another, my mother wouldn't know but it often tears me up on the inside considering how much of a nice person I am to others (something anyone whose met me can vouch for). I just can't comprehend as to why our relationship is so crappy, I never wished to hurt him or to yell at my father, I know it's wrong but he provokes such things from me. I've asked him to spend time together and he'll either blow me off or tell me "Yeah, sure, just let me see when I'm free" and never bring it up again.

I don't want to scapegoat him but he has definitely played a role in my life, especially pertaining as to why I've been unable to hold relationships and can at very random times have outbursts of anger that I hide from everyone else. All I really want is a normal relationship with him but seeing as that isn't going to happen, what is there for me to do?

GSMetry GSMetry
22-25, M
2 Responses Dec 10, 2012

Similar story but i also don't know what to do. Atleast i want you to know that you are not alone...

You are young.

You're father will never change, it is what it is the relationship. As soon as you acknowledge that and work on the relationship with yourself, there is plenty of time to be in a relationship with someone else, a healthy relationship

When I look back, I used to value my relationships, most were extremely toxic and dysfunctional. I tried most my life to make them work, things never made sense, and I couldn't grow. The most important relationship is the one with yourself first. Let go of the relationships you wish were something, that they will never be.

My father physically beat, berated me emotionally, my mother sexually abused me. They are both master covert and overt manipulators. While my father beat me, my mother watched, saying years later I deserved it because I wouldn't cry.

When just recently I was so ill and no one was there for me. I was alone, certain family members saw it a time to cause further pain and trouble because of my vulnerable physical state. My parents never came up to help me once. When I let them go and no longer wanted or strived for love I would never get, they came to visit. Not out of love and concern for me, but to hook me back into their games and control.

Letting go of people who are suppose to love you, never will, and letting go takes courage, but the only way you will grow and feel like your life belongs to you. As long you keep striving for something from somebody who will never give it to you, they control you.

Give yourself a pity party, yes it is sad and tragic. Accept how you feel, Yes you should feel sad and upset, but continue moving forwards. Learn how to establish boundaries to protect yourself physically and emotionally and pay attention to the quiet voice within you, it seem to know what is best, no matter how hard, or painful.

Sometimes, we feel that if we just get their love, and we replay the same scenario in relationships that are very unhealthy and further destructive, everything will be good, we can then accept ourselves. This won't happen. Be grateful you are not in a relationship, because if you haven't let go of a bad one (a parental one) you will only find bad, abusive relationships to supplement the orignal bad one.

It's sad, but let go, it's the only way.
We can't change others, I devoted decades doing that, and now I don't have decades left to live my life.