Emotionally Cheating

It's hard to admit it to myself, much less to my boyfriend, that I am not satisfied with our relationship. Emotionally, that is.

I guess our relationship is a bit hard to describe and I sort of always avoid getting into details with friends. I think the cliche saying fits my situation very well: I love him, but I'm not in love with him.

What does that mean?

I do care for him very much and he's a great guy, but I fear we are very incompatible. We make great friends, but I think that simply put we really do suck as lovers. When we first started dating a few years back, of course, it was exciting as we were coursing through uncharted territories. But as we went on with our relationship, I think we both had trouble staying in love with each other. We don't have that much in common, really. There are so many different things about us.
Sometimes I scoff at those people who say "I love you" to each other after one or two months of being in a relationship, but then I wonder if, maybe, they got something right. It took us a very long time to say that to each other. A lot more than anyone that I know of. To be honest, I cried the first time he said "I love you" to me, but sometimes I think he said it more of duty and because it was in the heat of the moment - we were making love, and maybe he got so caught up in it that he just spilled the beans. There's always been so little passion in our relationship. Call me a drama queen, but I want to be loved and love somebody passionately, like I used to before him. Like when there was no one else in the world but the two of us. Now it just feels like we just stumbled into this relationship and only stayed because ... I don't even know why anymore - maybe I thought I was doing something right, that this is what a long-term relationship is meant to be like: routine, boredom, incompatibility, sometimes happiness and fullness, unwillingness.

During the first year of our relationship, I constantly had doubts about the relationship. It's easy to see why. I liked to go to parties with friends and talk to people and dance, while he just sat down in a corner and pretended he was invisible (and subsequently refused to do anything with me at the party). I wanted to take dance classes with him, he said he would never do that - I wanted to at least teach him how to "dance" (like how people do at parties), but he refuses. He avoided showing me off to friends - if we were walking down the street holding hands, as soon as he'd notice a friend of his, he'd pretend he'd never met before (nowadays he doesn't do that anymore). He was very distant and refused to talk about anything that bothered him even to his long-term girlfriend. We have very differing views on a lot of subjects: he tends to be a bit racist towards certain groups. Often times he seems slow-minded, but I've learned that he just thinks and learns VERY differently from me (that was an eye opener, really!).  He doesn't read books... and I love literature. I've tried to persuade him to read some of my favorites, but he can't be bothered. He says he doesn't like music, while I love music and play a bit of guitar. I can't imagine life without my favorite music - but he can.
All of these things are so important to me, I can't imagine how we've gone on for so long. Sometimes I think that what we do have in common is our adaptability in situations such as this one. Because, despite all of these things, we get along quite well or at least most of the time, even though we probably annoy the crap outta each other the rest of the time.

I thought I was in love with him, but after he had an emotional affair that went on for several months - I became numb. And shallow. I made him stop the affair, somehow, but it seems I've moved on from this relationship I'm still in. It's been a year since he ended that "affair" and I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing staying with him. We have had no arguments since - not because our relationship is that much happier or better, but because I am so emotionally detached, I can't find any reasons to argue. I think if he slept with another woman right now I wouldn't care. Most times I think I'd be much happier if I were single, because now I'm the one having the emotional affair. I'm looking for that spark, that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling, that someone that makes me happy and is actually compatible with me.  I constantly have crushes on other girls or guys. It's getting out of hand - and it's only recently dawned on me that I'm having all these feelings for other people because I am not emotionally satisfied and I am looking elsewhere for that something that my life currently lacks.
whatsername whatsername
22-25, F
3 Responses May 9, 2012

I am very glad to help, I'm sure you can help me see the flaws in myself so that I don't repeat them, it will help me greatly.<br />
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@mojopearl your BF might not notice that you're hurting that much, if you really care about him, try sending your message in a different way, send him a surprise email in which you write how you feel exactly, just like you wrote here..<br />
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Remember, you might meet someone who will make you feel better now, it's normal to be excited in a new relationship, but there is a big chance you will face the same problem with the new man as well after a while, so think about any decision you make and try to fix it as much as possible, only if you're sure that your man is not interested in what you want and he realizes what you need and doesn't try to fulfill these needs, then it means he doesn't care and you should move on, but don't remember to send him a very clear message.

Hey whatsername,<br />
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While I was reading your article I was getting amazed by every word I read, it's like you were describing me with a few differences. (I hope you're not my GF)<br />
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I got out of a 4 year relationship a few months ago, I liked my girl so much, and note that I say "my girl" as I felt responsible for her, I really cared for her deeply enough to give my life to her, but I stopped myself from loving her for complicated reasons. (I knew it had to end)<br />
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I will explain my previous relationship from the guy's point of view, I hope it will help you understand, although we might not necessary be genuinely the same.<br />
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I was never good at explaining my feelings, I assumed that she would know my feelings without me revealing them and become invulnerable, I thought she can understand from the way I behave, advice and protect her.<br />
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I have my problems, I am not very sociable, I think I have a slight anxiety, depression, but I believe with all my heart that I'm good and worthy.<br />
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Your boyfriend might love you deeply, but his problems might cover this love, prevent you from seeing his true feelings, even if you try to talk him into speaking his mind, he might cover it even more. He might not be conscious about his problems, he might need some help from you or a professional to help him be more happy and confident, I think revealing your feelings openly requires courage.<br />
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Before you take any decision, think very carefully, regret is painful.<br />
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I wish you good luck, and if I can help with anything, just let me know

I am pretty sure I'm not your girlfriend, haha! :)

On a more serious note, I am not sure what to say. I'll send you a message if I'll figure out how to put into words how our relationship has evolved. I guess we both have issues expressing ourselves in a healthy way, wow!

In any case, thank you for your input. It has helped me see things from his point of view.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. The difference is that I'm in my forties and am now living in a pretty cold relationship. I am both pysically and emotionally unsatisfied by my partner.<br />
However, watsername you are very young still and at your age I certainly felt very loved by my then boyfriend. I personally can see myself staying in the long term with a man who can't satisfy my emotional needs. At your young age there should be plenty of other fish in the sea. <br />
The problems is that we can love the men we are with for their failings! I do love my other half but I feel like I'm living in an emotional vacum. I have repeatedly spoken to my boyfriend and told him how I feel the relationship is lacking. There is no change. I suspect one day another man will show me more warmth and I will move on. Very sad really. <br />
I also think that womens expectation are quite high from films etc.<br />
You wrote you item very well by the way.<br />
Best wishes