This Is The Real Me

I'm too shy and I'm on EP discreetly so I'm not showing my face here. But my profile pic? That's my couch. I call myself The Nerd on the Couch. It's a nickname my wife gave me in a text to a friend of hers, I found it on her phone. The text was about getting wild over at our house, and at the time I was desperately looking for work. My wife said "sure, just ignore the nerd on the couch. Walk right by him." She was being sarcastic, but only in the sense that coming over to our house to act like that would be impossible because I was there all the time. Calling me what she did was no joke. It was a cruelty.

I am the Nerd on the Couch. I was exiled from the bed ten years ago for snoring. She's not intimate with me anymore. She texts with her work girlfriends about getting wild, partying, getting laid, and once a friend of her sent a photo of a conquest. It was a coworker's genitals. My wife asked for stats on it, laughed about knowing him and later asked her friend for more. During all of this she was neglecting me sexually.

It haunts me daily. She cheated on he ex-boyfriend to be with me, and neglected him sexually, too. So as The Nerd sits on The Couch, he reflects upon the past, when we were falling deeply in love once upon a time, and knows what the other guy felt like now.

I should have known better. Once we had our baby, our intimacy rolled downhill fast, and due to a certain crisis I've already described elsewhere, our relationship was mortally wounded and is drawing its last breath as I write this.

Now I'm in an advanced stage of depression and self-loathing, suffering a chronic broken heart. I came to EP looking for support, and found some nice well-wishers, been set upon by a very nice person who had a VERY different objective to being here, but I knew where I stood with her. Elsewhere I encountered a kindred spirit and stupidly fell in love with her. Our friendship is badly damaged by it and the flirting we shared, well... I was stupid to think it was in any way possible to become a potential relationship. This became clear to me and now I'm suffering a double-broken heart.

Ladies, please - some of the men you encounter who are hurt and suffering... some of us are having self-esteem issues too. I'm a middle-aged fat smoking nerd, 45 years old, and was never really very attractive. Please do not toy with me. I'm here looking for help. I realize a man in distress who has an open heart and talks about his feelings can be quite a chick-magnet, but... I'm in a lot of pain right now. I've been toyed with while going through a crisis. Once it was flat-out clear and easy to brush aside, and that person clearly understood and respected where I am. The other... the other one just didn't quite get it, but it's not her fault. I'm not saying she's here on EP, either - I do look for help elsewhere. and I'm respecting her privacy. But... I'm really, really hurt by what happened. So please, don't toy with men unless there is a clear intent to do so that is agreed upon. Even then, if you're messing with a broken heart, I urge you to reconsider.

This is the real me today. I've lost what I had, feeling that it never really was mine. I've been used. I was simply a gene donor. Now I'm a father, and I'm married, but I'm not really a husband. A real husband isn't treated the way I am. And it hurts. A lot. Every day. Once again last night the same thing happened. And on top of it I'm suffering another great loss and heartache, and dammit - I have to keep that one secret. Well-wishers are nice, but the next time a woman approaches me and wants to be friends, that's fine, but the next one that tries to do cyber will be bluntly cut off. IRL I am not lovable or attractive. I'm a really nice guy, I'm attentive, good listener, problem-solver, compassionate, empathetic and have very good manners. It gets me nowhere. I may be a bit handsome but Nobody finds me attractive. Playing the files is stupid to me because nobody is out there on the field. So messing around with me hurts a lot especially if it's only casual.

Here, I'm always honest, truthful, and every word I write here is the real deal, with some names and serial numbers rubbed out. I never make up a single word here.
TheVerticalMan TheVerticalMan
41-45, M
2 Responses Nov 29, 2012

I can't believe I did not read this until today. I'M STUNNED at how much patience you have shown recently. And I'm speechless. Most of this I did know through talking with you, but presented like this....well I'm speechless. And incredibly touched and grateful. This was posted 4-5 months before I even met you. I do hope most fervently that you now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you ARE lovable and attractive.



While you are sitting on the couch.

Get a copy of this book by Allan Pease it will help explain the big difference between men and women.

Book title “Why men don’t ask for directions and why women read maps upside down”

It may even save your marriage.

It's called "Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps." And it's way off base for what's gone wrong here. There are two very real and destructive mental illnesses involved, and understanding the dichotomy of gender doesn't relly help with that. But I appreciate your caring.

Sorry that you are affected by mental problems. As we are a combination of mind/body/soul are you working on all three as one can affect to other. Getting the body moving helps so much. We are meant to move.

Thi Chi
Eating fresh foods – avoiding food that is packaged/junk high fat/sugar
If you read then this may interest you:
Anatomy of the Spirit – Carolyn Myss (helps issues from childhood that we store in the body)
There is so much one can do.
May you get your peace of mind…

Thanks again. The mental problems aren't mine. I know that sounds cliche. But it's true. She's diagnosed with OCD and has a serious problem with **** addiction. My mental problems are all stress-related... depression and anxiety. I trid the self-help techniques but the depression took its toll after a year of the worst of it... and I turned to stuff like cigarettes, chocolate and a full belly when it's really getting me down. I'm a wreck now. I'll try again... I do well with light exercise and eating well. Like Yoga, tried TaiChi but it takes too much discipline to do... doing that casually is disrespectful. I used to do hatha a lot. Thanks for reminding me - that's easy and does work well. I'll try that tonight. Thank you for wishing me well, friend.