Not Today....

I'm not going to lie to you all today, and tell you all that I am fine, and there is nothing wrong. I do that all the time, but today I don't have the strength to lie, and to keep telling people over and over and over again, that I am fine, and that there is nothing wrong, when that is nothing but a big fat ******* lie! One that I am very good telling. it comes as a second nature to me, I am so use to saying, I"m fine, and there is nothing wrong. Well today, I am not going to do it, I just don't have the strength to.

 

Last night I had a terrible nightmare, one that woke me up, having a panic attack, and crying, one that made me want to reach for my razor, and just cut over and over and over again. I had a nightmare about being r***d over and over and over again last night, and it was so scary, it felt like it had actually happened.; I was terrified this morning. I'm relieved that I am the only one up right now. Everyone but B is at work, and He is still sleeping. So it gives me some time alone which is what I need right now. Thankfully, I don't have to go to work today, so I won't have to interact with others. Which is a good thing for me right now. I really don't wanna do that.

 

On top of being shaken up from the nightmare last night, I am also in a Lot of Phyiscal pain. I have a Lot of pain in my lower stomach, my back and stomach hurt, and I have a headache from hell. No I am not hungover, I didn't drink that last night. I just really don't feel good at all. Its getting to be that time of the month, and when that rolls around, i feel like total ****, and there really is nothing I can do about it, but sleep it off, but as of now, i am too scared to go back to sleep. I don't wanna have another ******* nightmare. They just keep getting worse.

 

So normally, if I had the strength today, i would wake up, and act like everything is fine, and act like I am okay, and insist there is nothing wrong, however, I just can't do that, not today. I am not strong enough to do that, and for that, I am truly sorry I'm letting you down, and for exposing my pain, and being honest. I know most would rather I say nothing and keep it all to myself, and on most days I would, but today i just can't. I don't have it in my to lie, and claim that everything is okay, and that I am fine.

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26-30
1 Response Feb 17, 2010

Aly, never try to hide when you are in pain, your friends, those who love you would never want you to suffer alone. There might not be anything we can do to help but still. Honey my heart goes out to you. I can't even begin to understand the horror it must be for you to be afraid to go to sleep at night :( I wish I cold hold you honey and keep the dreams at bay while you get some much needed rest. I wish I could help more ... *hugs*