We're Screwing Up Our Daughter.My husband and I should have never gotten married. He's a great person; very loving. When we first met in college, he was the exact distraction I needed from the stress and depression I'd been feeling. We were so happy in our own solitude, that I was happy with the thought of settling down with him and continuing our content lives together. When I got pregnant, it wasn't hard at all to make the choice to start our family, and move forward with everything. If I was going to have a child with anyone, it was this great person who was loving, and kind, and willing to do anything and everything for me.
I was fully aware that I wasn't madly deeply in love with him, the way that you often expect because of the unrealistic representations in movies. But I also knew that for a life together to work, we had to have a concrete relationship, and not one ba
Several years later, and it's all gone downhill. We got married because we'd paid the deposits for our wedding. We got married, despite his lying about how much he was drinking; despite his terrible unhealthy habits. I found myself irritated by the very things I found endearing, but I wanted it to work for our daughter's sake. Plus, I was always afraid to start a war with him; I didn't want her to have to go through the negative effects of divorce. I stuck through years of a relationship, despite being unhappy. I kept thinking that if our financial struggles would be fixed, that he and I would have less stress and be happier with one another. After all, the fact that we couldn't afford to go out to restaurants or many fun weekend dates had to lend to the unhappiness I was feeling. But his lying continued, and his lack of respect toward my family got worse with every visit. I stayed only for my daughter's sake, but with every stupid argument, I kept realizing staying was even more detrimental for her. Without ever intending to, and treading carefully on how to follow up with her after she'd witness pointless arguments, I was always so careful to tell her "daddy's just upset; he loves you very much" or "Why don't you go spend some time with daddy; he probably missed you all day and he'll be happy to hang out with you". No negativity about him to her. I've been accused of physically cheating, despite spending all my time working or at home with him and our daughter. I can't pick up my phone to read an email from work or a text from my mother without snide remarks coming my way about whatever lover it is that's messaging me.
And, even though he's let go of some of his terrible habits, I've found it impossible to forgive the negative things he's said "just because he can" when he'd be drunk and angry.
I asked him for a divorce, and while I understand that it has to be painful for him, and his sadness and anger are warranted, the immaturity he displayed toward our daughter solidified my lack of love for him. I love him as her father. I love him as a friend. But I'm not in love with him in the way I'd want to feel for a husband. He's threatened to take her away from me, because I'm an unfit mother. (I work 50 hours a week, and spend every other moment of my day playing with my daughter, reading to my daughter, teaching my daughter, or, at my worst, giving her the ipad so I can take an hour to decompress). I've stayed this long because I didn't want to put her through this all, but am at the point where I can't keep going anymore.
At first all I wanted was some time to separate, and figure things out for myself, and maybe even reconnect and work on our marriage. But after all the hurtful things he's said to me, I can't go back. I'm not faultless; I'm full of my own flaws. I just need to be selfish at this point of my life; selfish for me, and selfish for my daughter.
How does one go through a divorce with someone they're so financially and personally connected with? How do you keep a child as safe as possible with one parent spewing hatred and anger and blame at the other in front of the child? And how do I know I'm not making a mistake?
LelaPela14 22-25, F 7 Responses 1 Oct 21, 2013