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Unhappily Married

 Wow, where do i begin? it's been 8 years now and I don't know where my life went. I don't even know who I am anymore. It's like I gave up on anything  ever getting better. I was young, vibrant and beautiful! I was very independent and successful. And now, I feel old, tired and not so attractive plus financially deprived. What happened? Is it the man I married? Can someone can really cause you to turn for the worse or is it just me. I couldn't dare tell any of my friends or family....they just wouldn't understand. I.ve been holding a lot inside of me for a long time. He means well, "I think?" Never finishing what he starts makes me so upset. They are projects that I can not finish, so I can't even help him get it done. I 've been living like this for 8 years now...if it's not one thing it's another. I've tried couciling, I've tried talking, pleading, praying, arguing, even said I would leave. I can't live like this anymore, can someone help me, please?? We all sleep in one bedroom house that is not finished.  Always trying to save a penny.Then he wonders why I am so stressed all the time. I feel like my life has fell apart and I don't know how to fix it. I can't seem to pull it together to get a job or get myself healthy again. I truly feel this man Of mine ruined my life!!!! I'm really not a blamer by any means but This one has me beat!!!

caphilbrick caphilbrick 36-40 15 Responses Jan 4, 2009

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Some times in life you have to be selfish cause at the end of the day whether you believe it or not you are your own abuser by staying in an unfulfilling relationship you have made your first step by voicing it out to strangers. My advice is that you should take some time out by visiting one of your family members and if you find yourself stress free and happier then that should speak volumes I am in a similar situation that you in and those are the steps i am taking

I am sorry I can't offer advice because this is my exact situation and I too I'm in a desperate need for some help, advice, a divine light to guide my thoughts....something!

Oh yeah, I feel the same way about my husband, we have 3 beautiful children, he is a Great provider but Im not happy at all, I have found condoms in his work jeans more than once, we have been married for 24 years come this December. I hate it when he comes home, he always blame me for something that goes wrong in his life. I am a good wife, I work, clean, pay bills, make sure the kids have what they need and Im very goodhearted, men find me very attractive and outgoing personality, but when my husband is around my light does not shine. I actually feel better when he's not home with me and the kids. I love for my house to be neat, my husband is a pack rat, It just drives me crazy. We don't talk anymore, it's like when we do talk it's literally about nothing important! I want out of this marriage but the only thing is holding me back are my kids and what they may have to go through, I really need help, I dream of having my own house and not have too look at his face when he I walk through the door. I hate to sound selfish but I need a break and fast! love making is like washing the dishes for me, it's like I don't want to, but I have too! This is no way to be, Im only 45 years old but I feel like 70 plus sometimes! can somebody help me please before I go insane.

YOU SAY U WERE ONCE YOUNG , U STILL R. SOMETIMES WE MARRIED BLIND , NO GOOD REASON, WE THINK WE ARE IN LOVE , WE LOOSE WHO WE ARE WHEN IS ONE SIDE MARRIAGE , HAVE NO VOICE , WE NOT ALLOWED TO GROW IN THE MARRIAGE , N NO MORE FRIENDS N FAMILY , THAT WENT THINGS GO WRONG . WE NO LONGER OUR SELVES , JUST A WALKING SHELL, BEING HIS WIFE ONLY , WITH JUST HIS LAST NAME , U NEED TO BE STRONG , TAKE YOUR SELF BACK , THE WOMAN U WHERE BEFORE U GOT MARRIED , IF YOUR NOT IN LOVE , ASK FOR A DIVORCE HE WOULD IF HE WAS UNHAPPY. YES MEN CAN MAKE U AGE TEN YEARS , MAKE U BEING A ***** , HATE EVERYTHING , WENT THEY TREAT LIKE TRASH..BE STRONG .

I feel what your going through because I am in the same boat as you. Except I can go out and hold a job if I wanted to and I'm enrolled in school trying to better myself so that I can move forward at least in that part of my life. It's hard to be with someone who brings you down so much. maybe try expressing what exactly it is he says or does to make you feel this way and if he wants to he will try and change and if not then you know you have to walk away.

I know, i am in a marriage type relationship with a man for several years. He is controlling and w e often fight. About petty crap like bills, and he controls what I wear as well!! He was a real charmer at first, good looking, young, tall, dark, handsome, everything and older than me. He charmed me so much I forgot everything in my past I had an abusive relationship with a guy almost 20 years older than me. My current partner used to leave roses on my doorstep and love notes and all things sexy and romantic! Now...the opposite, really. Life is just boring. I am a sporty girl who loves the outdoors, and he likes being in bed being lazy! It drives me MAD! and he's put on weight. The sexual side is routine and samey, he doesn't touch me much etc...



I have met a guy, who I am smitten with, I have a huge crush on this man - he reminds me of my partner before he became so BORING...Idk what to do, and I feel the other person might like me back..do I continue being unhappy or try life on my own again??

Don't do what I did & fall out of love to fall into the arms of another man, which seemed to make me happy, but it didn't then I ruin my marriage even more because of the affair my husband doesn't know of that so I live with he guilt everyday, ive told my husband I'm not in love with him like I once was & he broke down an begged me to stay which I did mainly out of guilt cause I felt why should I leave him unhappy to start a new happy life on my own : /

Even I feel the same way..my all dreams ,expectations are shattered .I cannot believe a person can be so mean.I dedicated him every thing which I can,but in return he even dont acknowledge . I used to be very calm, talented, lively girl, but this one year of marriage has completely changed me. now I myself feel demoralized, lost and worthless.

Similar situation. been married 40 yrs. 9 yrs ago he said he had no affection for me anymore but still "loved" me. No sex since. He gave life savings to our deadbeat son for a divorce and custody of grandkids. Then he let him move into our newer house that I was supposed to move in to. I have lung problems and weak bones and can't clean anymore. Lived in an old farmhouse w/mold, dust, etc. He won't clean. Can't live with the cobwebs, snakes, rats and filth. It doesn't bother him. He thinks my health problems are self induced. After years of emotional abuse and finally, physical abuse, I moved back home (4,500 miles away) to my other son and daughter. He doesn't care. He is very controlling. I miss the good things we had but the bad outweighed the good over time. I am learning to live my life all over as I always lived it just for family. We've been apart 4 months and he never calls, emails occasionally. Looks like we are thru but divorce will get him in a rage and I don't want to deal with that. Still confused, hurt, and lonely but taking it day by day.

i am sorry. i feel exactly the same way. i would really like to talk if you feel comfortable. i'm looking for support. let me know:)

I've always held that marriages are the most perfect when the groom is waiting at the altar, the bride to be is being given away while walking up the aisle, then the pastor reads the vows to the couple as they both say "I do." After that, it's a matter of reality. Marriage is such a critical event (I'm single), that it takes scrutiny, keen observation and awareness, and probably some luck to ensure that the other person is someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with. More mistakes are made by women with regard to men. Women are emotion machines, who are in love with loving and being loved. Men not nearly as much. Women have the capability (and often use that ability) to see right through an arrogant man, but sometimes they're thrown off guard by a charmer and schmoozer. Oftentimes a man exudes and oozes manly confidence that the woman finds irresistably sexy, and she jumps in head first. She accepts a marriage proposal literally from the get go. And then the trouble begins. She really needs to get to know him well. I've been reading all these posts, and many have the same theme. A husband who is at the core of a bad marriage. Men to a large degree have no clue as to how to be a husband. It's all about sex, and avoiding loneliness. If the man has an element of taking control, then he uses that to his advantage. My advice to all the women out there, is that marriage (while in a perfect world would be permanent and "til death do us part") is not something you should stay in just because there are vows involved. Marriage vows are perfect, people are not. There ARE wonderful men out there who are just waiting and eager to find you, and treat you with dignity, respect, and lots of love. But you have to decide for yourself once you're in a hopeless situation, just how important your health and well being are to you. YOU are the one that's suffering and will continue to suffer, not anyone else. Have some self respect, and leave when there's no other way. The first time he loses his temper, he will apologize and bring a boquet of roses. The second time, he'll probably do the same. The third time, then it's time examine the situation. His outbursts are very likely a pattern. It could be a chemical imbalance, or it might very well be that he is who he is. When you find your health is being compromised, move out and get a lawyer or do it yourself divorce proceedings, because your health will only get worse, not better. Good luck!

I've always held that marriages are the most perfect when the groom is waiting at the altar, the bride to be is being given away while walking up the aisle, then the pastor reads the vows to the couple as they both say "I do." After that, it's a matter of reality. Marriage is such a critical event (I'm single), that it takes scrutiny, keen observation and awareness, and probably some luck to ensure that the other person is someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with. More mistakes are made by women with regard to men. Women are emotion machines, who are in love with loving and being loved. Men not nearly as much. Women have the capability (and often use that ability) to see right through an arrogant man, but sometimes they're thrown off guard by a charmer and schmoozer. Oftentimes a man exudes and oozes manly confidence that the woman finds irresistably sexy, and she jumps in head first. She accepts a marriage proposal literally from the get go. And then the trouble begins. She really needs to get to know him well. I've been reading all these posts, and many have the same theme. A husband who is at the core of a bad marriage. Men to a large degree have no clue as to how to be a husband. It's all about sex, and avoiding loneliness. If the man has an element of taking control, then he uses that to his advantage. My advice to all the women out there, is that marriage (while in a perfect world would be permanent and "til death do us part") is not something you should stay in just because there are vows involved. Marriage vows are perfect, people are not. There ARE wonderful men out there who are just waiting and eager to find you, and treat you with dignity, respect, and lots of love. But you have to decide for yourself once you're in a hopeless situation, just how important your health and well being are to you. YOU are the one that's suffering and will continue to suffer, not anyone else. Have some self respect, and leave when there's no other way. The first time he loses his temper, he will apologize and bring a boquet of roses. The second time, he'll probably do the same. The third time, then it's time examine the situation. His outbursts are very likely a pattern. It could be a chemical imbalance, or it might very well be that he is who he is. When you find your health is being compromised, move out and get a lawyer or do it yourself divorce proceedings, because your health will only get worse, not better. Good luck!

Sometimes the answer is closer then you think

I could have written your first 9 sentences. I wish I had an answer.

Maybe your husband feels the same way. Have you ever went to counseling together? I lived with my first husband for 22 years and was always unhappy, I loved him for the fact that we had a child but I was never in-love with him. I finally decided after all of those years taking medication for depression, going to counseling, praying and everything else that I tried, to leave as my child was starting college. I did not stay single long and remarried the third person I had dated after my divorce. Now we have been married for four years and have had many, many upsetting moments in our marriage (gutting our first house which still isn't finished, letting a number of relatives live with us while we paid the bills, almost losing our home from him accumulating a lot of debt and filing bankruptcy, always living paycheck to paycheck, my husband lying or I think cheating for a period of time), my list could go on but this time instead of falling into my own depression, I looked at the fact that he was obviously depressed on some level and decided that I really love this man. I made differences in our home by doing simple decorating which is hard to do when rooms are not finished, took control of the finances, made a rule that no one stays with us longer than a week and set many other ground rules. Our life now is far from perfect but we now communicate more, enjoy our home more and enjoy each other more. My husband was just waiting for someone to take control of our out of control situation. I hope that this helps. If you truly are in love with your husband then you can make this work, if you think that you are not then make careful choices before jumping into single life.

WoW!! What do u mean we all live in the same house?.