There Is No Me In Us

Hello, I am a 24 year old husband and father of a 16 month baby boy. For a while my wife and I have been having a lot of difficulties with our marriage. We both have our own view points on what we think will make the marriage work, but neither of us are willing to give the other any ground to work with.

One factor that we have to deal with is my wife has a degenerative bone disease which means she isn't able to perform many of her "tasks" as a housewife. She complains a lot about our house being a mess, and yet when I try to help she gets very mad because I'm not doing things her way, or how she thinks it can be done a lot easier. She wants to have more "us" time, but with my inability to give her the support she needs it is very difficult.

I also work 7 days a week to keep the bills paid and her monthly $200 medical care going, even though her parents' are actually paying for it. In addition I try to do some web work on the side, but I'm still only a novice at being a web developer.

I don't want to make excuses but to give a little background:

I didn't grow up in a loving and caring family that my wife did. My parents were always fighting with each other and sometimes taking their aggrevation out on us kids. The only way I was able to get by growing up was to sit on my butt and play video games, which kept me busy so I wouldn't be in anyone's way. I have 6 brothers and 3 sisters, including myself that makes 10 kids. My parents also have their favorites, which they have small underhand comments to make a point about.

I still sit around when I'm home playing video games when I'm not at work, or playing with my son because my wife is tired. Sometimes when I help around the house I'll get a little frustrated with my wife's constant rantings and because of that she starts telling me to go on the computer or go play my games 'cause it's what I want to do anyway.

What I actually want is to reach out to my wife, try to help ease her pain from her daily stress, help get the house in order like she wants it to be, but I have a lot of emotional and social issues that keep me from being the kind of loving and caring husband that she needs. No matter what I try to do things just get worse.

Recently we've been arguing more frequently and words like, separating and divorce have been getting thrown in due to our frustrations with one another. I love my wife with all my heart, but lately she honestly hasn't been that appealing to me lately. I want to get back the woman I fell in love with.

I would appreciate any feedback on this matter if anyone is willing to give it. Thank you.
wolfman2100 wolfman2100
2 Responses Jul 18, 2010

I know this is awhile ago, I hope things got better but if not, from my experience, I sounded a lot like your wife. Every Time my bf tried to help me, I would be so annoyed and tell him forget it just go away. I would give him a lot of attitude and pick fights with him for not doing as much as I do. I would complain abt not spending enough us time and etc. Well thankfully, we starting voicing on HOW we want to be communicated to. Sometimes I don't know how to communicate and say things in a way to make it sound better. Sometimes I say one thing but i really mean the other and sometimes I don't even notice it. But my bf started calling me out on a lot of things like asking me back "why? Like why do u want to helping u putting back the dishes when u complain abt me not helping u?" Then I would say well you're not doing it right just go away. Then he would stop me right then and there and said "well show me how instead of doubting me." Sometimes when I say mean things he would ask me where is it coming from, what's the real issue here? I guess after just teaching each other how to do things, how to communicate, just getting down the basics really help. Showing some compromise and reassurance def. helps.

Perhaps you can write her a letter and express in it all your concerns and how you want to work TOGETHER to make your lives easier. Maybe surprise her with breakfast or dinner and flowers and let her read it ? You both have to start somewhere. it is so easy to take the shortcut and blame each other. that will not get you two have to talk and really LISTEN to each other w/o interrupting. Perhaps you might both write down on paper what you both want out of the marriage and what each is willing to do to achieve it. <br />
<br />
It takes both partners to make things work. Perhaps if she can understand this it might give her an incentive to want to make things work. The best of luck to you both and keep us posted of your <br />
progress !!!