I Am Not Happy
I'm just tired of feeling everything. My whole life I've been treated like the mistake that I am, I wasn't planned, so why care in the first place? My whole life, "friends" have sucked me into their stupid world of make-believe and when I stopped doing every little thing to make them happy, I got dropped, avoided, and sometimes even beaten in Elementary school.
I always try way to hard to make people happy, my boyfriend even dumped my last week because "I was too worried about him" and "My clingyness was getting in the way", when I was just trying to show I cared. My so called "friends" only care about making themselves happy anyway. They never ask me what my favorite anything is, it's always about them, and making them happy. I hate them. It's never "How are you feeling?", it's always "Guess what happened to me the other day" and if I don't agree with them, they get mad and won't talk to me. If my favorites don't match their favorites, we're not even friends until I give up and tell them I was wrong. I'm so ******* tired of everyone walking all over me. So I'm finally doing something about it.
It's not like it would make a difference. I'm dying anyway. My body is even giving up on me. No amount of meds or tests can fix it. I lose weight everyday, I can't keep my food down, and my immune system has turned to ****. It's only a matter of time before my body just gives up like everyone else has.
But now, I've given up on myself. The past 3 1/2 years have been a complete pain in the *** for me. It's a war I'm never going to win. It's time to just focus on me, and what would make myself feel better. The only known guaranteed painkiller for me out there is sleep. Sleeping its the only time I never feel the pain, but now, sleep is a rarity that's very hard to come by.
I have a plan, but I promised someone that I wouldn't carry it out tonight. But the second I wake up tomorrow, no matter what time it is, that plan will work, and I won't suffer anymore. It's the perfect plan really. No loss, remorse, or pain. No one will have to worry about me, and I won't have to worry about anyone else. I'll be a new person. But I just have to wait.
I always try way to hard to make people happy, my boyfriend even dumped my last week because "I was too worried about him" and "My clingyness was getting in the way", when I was just trying to show I cared. My so called "friends" only care about making themselves happy anyway. They never ask me what my favorite anything is, it's always about them, and making them happy. I hate them. It's never "How are you feeling?", it's always "Guess what happened to me the other day" and if I don't agree with them, they get mad and won't talk to me. If my favorites don't match their favorites, we're not even friends until I give up and tell them I was wrong. I'm so ******* tired of everyone walking all over me. So I'm finally doing something about it.
It's not like it would make a difference. I'm dying anyway. My body is even giving up on me. No amount of meds or tests can fix it. I lose weight everyday, I can't keep my food down, and my immune system has turned to ****. It's only a matter of time before my body just gives up like everyone else has.
But now, I've given up on myself. The past 3 1/2 years have been a complete pain in the *** for me. It's a war I'm never going to win. It's time to just focus on me, and what would make myself feel better. The only known guaranteed painkiller for me out there is sleep. Sleeping its the only time I never feel the pain, but now, sleep is a rarity that's very hard to come by.
I have a plan, but I promised someone that I wouldn't carry it out tonight. But the second I wake up tomorrow, no matter what time it is, that plan will work, and I won't suffer anymore. It's the perfect plan really. No loss, remorse, or pain. No one will have to worry about me, and I won't have to worry about anyone else. I'll be a new person. But I just have to wait.
By:
An EP User
