Shouldn't It Be Easier?

I've been with my husband 4yrs- married for 2 of them. We are both in out early 30s, no kids. For past 18months I've been falling out of love- He is like a bestfriend/brother to me. There is no sexual passion on my part- he on the other hand adores me, loves me, is in love with me. I told him how I felt afew times and telling him the problem is I find him boring- together we are boring, like different things. He keeps begging for me to give him time to change, that he wants to try... So I do, I don't want to hurt him- so I know that I do feel love for him but not in the way I want/need. Now I also feel resentment as he says he'll try but I see no change. He can't be impulsive, can't start convos, never wants to see his friends, he has made me his everything. That said- he treats me with such respect, loves me, would never cheat nor disrespect me, never makes me feel bad about myself-something many ppl go through. Do I leave- now, whilst we are young and look for a passionate love or am I stupid- will I be losing a great guy? I just don't know. Are people every happy in love longterm? Maybe I'm not capable to it, could it be me? My attention span of a goldfish who believes in the perfect prince charming? I miss having a fantastic sex life (as I have had with exes) and feeling happy. I am unhappy.
Sissy13 Sissy13
26-30, F
5 Responses Sep 22, 2012

I'm in the same situation but I'm married for 25 years and have kids. I fell in love with another man but my husbands begs me to stay and believes that love can be rekindled. You posted your story almost a year ago and I wonder what happened? Did you leave or have you been able to bring your love back or you are still staying with him being unhappy?

I feel like you just wrote my story word for word, except that you have actually had the courage to tell him how you feel. I am absolutely terrified of telling my husband and hurting him, but I know it must be done eventually or else nothing will ever change. He is my best friend, but not my lover...and I don't think I can live the rest of my life without a lover. I don't think anyone should have to. Good luck and keep us updated on your situation!

I feel similarly. My husband and I have been married for five years, but we started dating when we were 19. We waited until our late twenties to get married--mostly because he wasn't sure he ever wanted to be married. He wanted to "be together," but isn't passionate about much of anything (in sharp contrast to me), and was reluctant to commit. We both have good jobs, make a decent living, and enjoy many of the same things. Our families support our relationship from afar, and our relationship seems ideal--on the surface. My husband is my best friend and is fully committed to me and our marriage, but he's not exactly an active participant in our relationship. For years, anytime we have had a problem, I voice it and my husband either ignores it or does the polar opposite by getting very defensive and angry (because he thinks I'm telling him he is a bad person). His solution, then, is either to do nothing (i.e., ignore the stated problem), or tell me he'll do ANYTHING to make me happy. In other words, there is no in-between for him--there's no give-and-take or reciprocity in our relationship. As a result, I respect him as a person, but not as a partner, and I don't trust that he is able to truly meet my needs. Most days, I feel like we're roommates, which is actually perfectly fine with me, except that it leaves me searching for a true partner that is willing to engage and interact with me continuously--where we're equals in the relationship.

Upon reflection, I think that in the 13 years that we have been together, my husband has given up his identity to be with me (because he keeps giving things up to make me happy, rather than us reaching mutual decisions about important matter). The fact that I am realizing only now that we're truly not in love and may never be again is compounded by the fact that we have an 18 month old daughter that we both adore, and we recently bought a house. Also, my husband doesn't see the problem in our relationship. I think he, like me, is scared to make a decision not to be together because of what it means for our "family," and our day-to-day routine. I don't want to hurt my husband because I care about him and our history very much. I am left wondering whether leaving is selfish. I am also trying to figure out whether I should sacrifice my need for true companionship for my daughter (i.e., is that in her best interest?).

I look back on the things that happened earlier in our relationship and the signs that we were not in love, which all pointed to this precipice, and wish I'd had the foresight and confidence to say good-bye then. Now, things are much more difficult.

These are big decisions that warrant full consideration, but I wish you the courage to make the difficult choice I did not make, if you feel it's the right one for you.

I'm in totally the same situation. Been together for 7 years and married for 3 of them.

We make a good team but I think the passion has gone. I work days and he works nights, we never see each other and we're really living separate lives.

I told him I was unhappy and he wants to do anything and everything to make it work but I don't know if I want to or have the energy to.

I don't want to throw away a good thing but I don't want to cause extra stress and hurt by dragging something out if I'm eventually going to leave. I feel really stuck and unsure of what to do. Mostly everything I read says to work at a marriage and keep trying. But when do you know when it's not worth it any more?

I'm going to start seeing a counsellor but he's totally against the idea.

Good luck with your situation, let me know how things work out.

I am feeling exactly the same way right now...
I am about to start seeing a Marriage therapist. And, I guess the two of us will then see her.
I can't help you, but, you're not alone..