Lost

I caught my husband once again searching on his cell phone how to get high on his meds (cough med/anti depressant) he was so out of it that he couldn't stand or walk, he fell about 5 times. I was done. He passed out in bed, I made sure he was ok enough to leave him. I left a note telling him I cant do this and I keep making excuses for him, I'm tired of the lies, its been over a year and i need time alone, I'm not sure we should be together and I left. I spent the night at my cousins, got drunk and made out with a family friend, I know Huge mistake, I wish I could take it back. I spent a second night at my cousins (no makeout sessions that night) I went home and my husband acted like everything would be normal. I confessed to him that I love him, but I don't think I am IN love with him, I feel I have been living with a ghost for more than a year. He doesn't want to do anything but sleep, I want feel like I have been living alone. I feel like we are just friends, I feel bad for feeling this way. He was soo upset, he told me he had quit everything, he is better for good and to give him one last chance to prove himself and to make me fall back in love with him. My conscious got the best of me a couple days ago and after half a week I told him about the makeout session with the family friend, he was so mad, he still won't sleep in the same room as me. I have been trying to fall back in love with him, but I fear I won't. I just don't feel its there anymore. I don't know what to do, he says he is trying hard, doing dishes and washing cloths (which I have done alone for 2+ years). I went to a family birthday party without my husband because the family friend was there(the one I made out with). I understand my husband not wanting to go, but he didn't want me to go, I told him It was nothing and that I couldn't avoid my family because of this mistake. My family has taken this guy in because he is in the army and has no family, he has been to most of our family functions (my husband would have realized this if he had been sober) I don't know what to do anymore