More Like 11-4 Pm Or 12-6pm Job Twice A Week Lol

I am being realistic ok.... and I know that so much has changed in me. maybe one day my self-esteme and my brain etc will improve and I can be more.

sometimes I fantasize about working in a up-market boutique like Myer or Chanel etc.. but I wonder how long I could handle the push for sales... and you walk in there half the time and there is no one to be found to help unlike the old days... you could walk into David Jones and there would counters everywhere 20 or more per dept and at least 4 people on each counter for all the big labels ... or hosiery etc store walkers and lift attendants.

but I know I could do something with my life ... the counsel or library, state art gallery maybe... to be honest I really believe I could be almost anything if I had a man to love me ... which kind of contra-dicta Joyces theories ... but , I think I could work better if i had a dream man in my life...

there is only one thing really missing in my life and that is love.

I really want a man I love... i am sick of being fu cked and used sexually by men I do not even like or love...

in my own way I resolved many feelings for Bill eventhough he was a pedo... in my own way I loved him but not the way I loved Werner... Werner was the one man I adored... and I will never meet that kind of man ever again, I am sure he was clever. unlike me. I dream of going out with a guy like that for fun, dinner, dance, the sex and to have a marriage and baby...

I could be a lawyer or even a good legal assistant if I had a man in my life to give me all the things a woman of my age should have had by now... I should have had a love like William of my own... it could have been many guys ... to fill the shoes of the type of man I wanted but for some reason they all left on me .... I have never been good at love, finding it or keeping it.    and I am sick of being used....


I am still trying to make a education for myself... and my health has got in the way so much.


I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE ABUSING ME AND NOT ASKING ME "AND CATHERINE..WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

I know william thought I was ugly ... so did rick and ricky, ken was a user and liar (someone got him to rape me and I just want my day in court to put that person behind bars) along with ken)  .... all insensitive.. I need someone will more depth and human feeling as well as great passion...


I wish I was as pretty as all those beauty models and blonde pretty tennis players who date pop stars etc. 


I would have loved to have had a more formal role to play in life... as a HR or PA to a minister in government...


I wish I knew what was so wrong with me... !

even employers don't want to hear from me these days... why should I complain...?  I wanted to study anyway... a man should let his girlfriend study and love her... its not like I can be the pope or governor ... when I wanted to be a mother and work on a career bit by bit... 



the world is stupid!