It Doesn't Go Away

I seem happy.. and I'm not faking it, it's just my personality to be bubbly and bouncy, and singing and being aloof.. and unfocused, and looking generally blissful. Then I go home and cry because of how frustrating my life is. I have severe ADHD, I can't focus on anything important. I can't hear people talk without asking them to repeat themselves over and over, to the point where I no longer ask and just pretend I am hearing them.. I don't remember anything accurately.

It's destroying me, and my relationship of 5 years. I try talking to my boyfriend, and he listens. He cares, he wants to help, and I know he loves me. But I feel like all I have are complaints now, and I don't want to bring that down on him anymore. I feel so stuck where I am at, with no future, or certainty that I can some day share my space, my room, and my things with anyone.

I should be more grateful for what I have, but my lack of focus and ability always stands in the view of the good when I happen to notice the good. No, I'm not okay. And I feel rotten for it. So many people are in a worse place, and I am hurting my boyfriend with it.
CaptainJenny CaptainJenny
22-25, F
May 27, 2012