I Fell For A DancerA couple of years ago I posted an ad seeking somebody for a private dance on craigslist. I got in touch with one of the girls that responded and started seeing her on almost a monthly basis. I think at first it was purely sexual attraction, but I quickly became addicted to her personality more than anything else. Between visits we exchanged emails, sometimes phone calls. The club she was dancing at told her that she couldn't dance any more, but she continued to see me for several months after that. Over the 13 or so months that I know her we became very supportive of each other. One day she sent me an email telling me that she'd no longer be dancing anymore, and that the email would be her last communication with me. I found myself not missing her dancing, but feeling extremely empty from the sudden and abrupt absence of her friendship. I've since found myself googling her several times, keeping up with her online identity... every time I do it I feel ashamed and want to stop, but I just can't.
I think I would've been fine if she told me she was done dancing and dropped me a line once and a while... trust me, I understand that I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life receiving dances from her -- and I knew from the start that she was in a relationship that made her happy, I didn't want to change that either, I don't by any means believe my happiness is more important than hers.
So now I'm left with this sudden void, and I don't like the way I'm filling it. I recently noticed that she updated her Facebook profile photo -- the picture now shows her ring finger with an engagement ring. I've decided that I must move on, but I'm really torn -- somewhat frustrated... because I want to be happy for her... I wish we had a friendship where she could share with me that she has gotten engaged and that I could tell her that I AM happy for her... but we don't. I clearly cannot reach out to her with congratulations and I need to just move on, but I'm finding that extremely difficult.
Anyways -- I think I'm going to just try and go it cold turkey... I wish I had better closure than I did, but I'm not happy with myself for obsessing over somebody that doesn't want a thing to do with me.
futuretilt 26-30 3 Responses 0 Apr 18, 2011