I Don't Want to Be...

Y ou know, it's funny the things you walk away from. You'd think I'd be smarter than that. She had to be the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. Civilizations have gone to war over a woman this beautiful. We were young, high school kids, really. I was a freshman, she was a sophomore. Breaking the rules like that, but we didn't care.

I was never much good at relationships. I've never been. I guess this sort of thing screws you up, in the long term. I had no idea what I was doing, but when it was good, it was great.

And then, one day, we both just walked away from it. Even then, we had no idea what we were doing. I thought I'd move on. I thought she was just another girl, and I could get over it.

That was 6 years ago. And not a day goes by that I didn't want to hold her again, kiss her like we used to. She stayed in Portland, I moved with my parents to Redmond. I hated it. I hated leaving the valley, coming to the desert, starting over. I hated not having a car, or having a way to stay there. We both graduated high school eventually. She got a job at a retirement community.

I joined the Navy, got kicked out for making even more dumb decisions, and have spent the last year trying to put my life back together.

I was doing the long-distance thing with a girl in Washington, and she just walked away. Other than that, I haven't been up to much.

She got engaged.

All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. And now, it seems like she is.

I just wish she could be happy, with me. I find myself wishing that just maybe her engagement would fail, so maybe I could have a chance again, but I feel like hell for that, because, as I said, I just want her to be happy...

We're still friends. We still talk. I don't want her to know how I feel, but at the same time, I do.

Funny the things you walk away from. Just remember, you can't always walk back.