How Much More?

Our ride has been rough, for 3.5 years but there was love. Strong love. But I made mistakes that screwed him over & because of that he freaked & made mistakes that screwed me over. It was on & off & on & off for years but we just couldn't leave each other. He used to tell me each time "I can do absolutely anything in life but the only thing I can't is to leave you." So every time he tried, he failed. Every time I tried, I failed. Each time the luggage has been added.

7 months ago, August 2008, after he graduated & got the job in another state, after we got back together again & planned to move in together, he freaked & wrote me an email that he wasn't ready for such responsibility, that he wouldn't be able to handle my discontent with his crazy schedule & everything else. He was under too much pressure for everything to be perfect & he broke down. I didn't answer his email & an entire relationship vanished like it never happened. I felt no closure on this.

5 months later, in December, he wished me happy birthday & our email correspondence started. He finally realized how disrespectful he was toward me, what a treasure I was, how he took me for granted & how he missed me. Then he kept telling me all the details of his life that I didn't even ask. At that time I was living in a different country, temporarily. He kept asking me all those questions - will I stay there, will I not, if not, where would I move & what would I do. And eventually, he asked whether I was dating anyone. All his words & actions signified his regret for breaking up with me & logically anyone would see that he wanted me back.

No. After I told him that I wasn't dating anyone & that if I were, our correspondence would be inappropriate, he wrote me back saying that I was right because he was dating someone for a while & that it was indeed inappropriate. The silence followed & I guess the whole thing vanished again.

I'm in a weird haze. I'm confused & broken again. I thought that 7 months was enough to feel better & to an extent I do. I know that deep down he loves me. I know that he hasn't gotten over me yet & if he really has someone then it's just a rebound relationship. He's just too weak to try again. Plus, it's been a tough road so he may not feel confident that we can make it. Again.

Time stands. 7 months is almost the same as 1 month or 2 months or 3... I'm living my life & moving toward my goals. I meet new people & have fun. I do my own thing. But along with that there's love - love that doesn't go away or subside. It lives & lives, like an eternal entitiy with its own agenda.

misasja misasja
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 17, 2009

:( Sorry...wish U well...