I'm Not Perfect

In the last year, this has been one of the most powerful things that I have realized. That I am not perfect.
I was never a perfectionist either. Nor had I ever been a bad person, failed a class, been a "problem child", overweight, or anything. Yes, I had trouble with grades or whatever, but had my parents taken a second to realize what was going on, maybe they would have relaxed their standards. I don't blame them for anything that's happened; it's not their fault. But, because of the pressures put on me, I did expect myself to be perfect, even though I knew that it was impossible.
Like I said, I was never overweight, but I had always had a little bit of baby fat left on me. When I began to lose weight, I was excited. All I had done was hit the gym once a week and magically dropped 10 pounds in a semester. I couldn't believe how easy it was. The next fall, I was put on ADHD mdication, and began to lose weight like crazy. In 6 months, I had lost an additional 15-16 pounds. Because I am short, the change in weight was very noticable, but I looked great. The problem was though, I began to expect perfection from myself. I would often skip breakfast, eat a bag of chips for lunch (if that) for lunch, and then maybe half of what could be considered dinner. I figured that I didn't need to eat, and if I didn't need to, then why should I? 
My new habits after the medication didn't stop there. Both of my parents are smart successful people, so they couldn't understand why I wasn't acing school. Once my parents finally let me get medication, I thought I would be getting straight A's. The first semester I was on them I ended up with a 3.1 GPA. Not bad, but nothing great. I constantly beat myself up over it. Telling myself I was stupid and worthless. I mean, I certainly didn't feel good enough for my family. I felt I had no excuse for not being who everyone expected me to be, and even who I expected me to be. I wanted to be better, I wanted acceptance.
I didn't stop here, either. I began to tell myself that I was ugly too. It wasn't to motivate me or anything, it was really just what I thought. I would look in the mirror every morning and automatically tell myself without even considering it, "Why am I the ugliest human being in the world?". I never had had the highest self esteem, but this was a new low. All the little things I had been telling myself started to get to me. I wanted to be thinner, prettier, smarter, better. I demanded it from myself everyday, telling myself that I wasn't good enough.
I can't exactly pinpoint the moment I realized what I was doing to myself. But when I did, it really hit me. It's okay not to be perfect, and it's okay to mess up or to be average. I am not my parents, and I am who I am. Not who they raised me to be. I try hard, I'm a good kid, and I'm honest. I'll be fine. I can't do or be everything everyone, including myself, wants me to be. I'm me, and that will be good enough for now.
unique393 unique393
18-21, F
1 Response May 21, 2010

Just know we're all different, yet we all have our problems. You'll be fine sweetie, just remember that there is very little in this world that's worth taking away your smile. Also once you learn to love and accept you for who you are, others will to. You've learned a huge life lesson at such a young age, may never learn that. Take it and never forget it!!