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Confucius And Me

"When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them." ~ Confucius

Bumped into this line today. It fits right in with a book I just read, one that is helping me work through some things to move forward.

You know, who wants to look at themselves and admit that they've had a pattern of being a coward? Certainly, I'm not happy to admit it. I look back at things, even at other stories that I've posted and I realize that it wasn't just that I couldn't identify what was going on with other people to be able to understand the ins and outs of what was going on. I was raised believing that it was right to put everyone else before myself, to turn the other cheek. The thing is, I never learned how to act like it didn't sting. I never really learned how to stand up for myself because I thought that what was right and what was normal was a mentality of servitude, and I embraced servitude as a label for a doormat.

So as that doormat I'd set aside my feelings and put myself last. Consistently put myself in a position where I was being used, and even when I knew it, the tears would come, I'd bite my lip, swallow back the tears, and turn around to finish carrying through with whatever it was that I was being used for.

So what I'm learning is that, just because I value compassion, other people, love, and demonstrations of love (and for anyone wondering, I'm speaking of a generic love, not just the mushy type), that doesn't mean that I have no value whatsoever. I don't deserve to be trashed on. I definitely don't deserve to be used, and in reaction to my past, there's this little button inside me that gets pushed ever so easily, and whomever will get a mouthful because I'm not lying down and taking it anymore.

This really isn't supposed to be about me saying I'm turning into a feisty little whatever. What I'm trying to say is that two of my flaws were refusing to face fears and not standing up for myself. (You can rephrase the first as lying to myself. It is perhaps most truthful.) It's kind of funny (ok, ok, I do have an odd sense of humor), but life lets us know when we have something we need to work on, because every time we trip and turn around to see what tripped us, it will point back to that thing/those things.
....I won't ever be perfect, and I guess that's a good thing. If we were perfect, we wouldn't have anything to continue learning, would we?
ScarletAura ScarletAura 26-30, F Jun 8, 2011

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