Pressured To Be Perfect

Today, I got off work where everyone bid goodbye to one of our colleagues who had resigned because her family is moving to San Francisco. I haven't known her for long, so I wasn't exactly sentimental, but I still gave her a hug goodbye. She then made a comment on the work I've done so far, telling me that I was quite slow. (okay, she used our native language, but basically, that's what she said)

As if I needed her to tell me that. I know that I'm slow. The work I do now is not what I studied in college or expected to practice in my life. I love that my colleagues are easy to talk to. They can relate to what I'm going through and for a while, I am comforted with the thought that my problems now had been their problems.

It just sucks. I have so much to do, and I want to finish everything as soon as possible, but eight hours just isn't enough. I want to juggle everything but it's hard. I want to squeeze in so much work in so little time, but everyday is a big struggle. It doesn't help that my colleagues can do so much in a day. It's like a competition and I'm losing badly.

To be honest, it annoys me when someone asks me if I'm okay, or I can still do the work that I have to accomplish at hand. I already feel inadequate as I am, and being offered help, while yes, it lifts my spirits a bit, but at the back of my mind, I know I have to do it. I can't keep on relying on others to take work off my plate.

Then it all boils down to me. Am I putting too much pressure on myself? All succeeding questions lead to my self-esteem problems. Why do I always feel that I have something to prove to other people? I got tired of trying my best all the time; for now I just want to give the right amount of work, but I still can't help it. I'm still falling behind, and I don't know what to do about it.

You can only do so much in a few hours. There's also my automatic reflex that when someone calls me, it's a sign that I did something wrong, again. It's like, I want to bang my head on the wall for lacking in so many things. I raise my head up high and ask, why wasn't I born perfect?

I like the people I work with. The work enviroment is okay (not that I have much to compare it to), but it's good. I don't want to leave, but leaving has crossed my mind. In January, I will be re-evaluated on whether I can do this or not. I'm scared I'm not making my presence count. I'm scared that operations actually function better without me. I want to up my game, but keeping up drains me at this point. I need to keep up before stepping up.
PinkRobot PinkRobot
22-25, F
Nov 29, 2012