I'm Really Terrified At The Thought Of Dying...

It started 5 years ago. My Grandpa went to the hospital because he fell in the bathroom and hurt his hip. While he was there they discovered he had stage 4 lung cancer and that he has 2 weeks left to live. I was in total shock because he seemed fine and he even said he felt fine. Then 2 weeks later he took a turn for the worse, was suddenly unable to speak or breath properly, and he just died right in front of me and the rest of my family at his side. It was a strange moment, I had never seen anyone die before that. Soon after I watched my dog die of cancer, my other grandpa die of cancer 2 years later, and just 3 months ago I sat at my Grandmas bedside and watched her die. All of them were difficult to say goodbye to but this last time around, was especially difficult. My Grandma was diagnosed with emphysema 10-15 years ago, she was fine up until these last 2 years when it became noticeably harder for her to breath and she had to start wearing oxygen. However, she was still able to do everything she wanted, and I just didn't think she was going to die anytime soon but when you have that disease it's very hard for the body to fight off infection and one day she caught pneumonia, went to the hospital to get treated for it, and caught C-DIFF which is causes severe diarrhea and vomiting and is very dangerous for elderly people to catch in the first place. We knew when she caught it that her body wasn't strong enough to fight it off so our entire family immediately went to visit her so we could spend time with her before she died. Her death was the most difficult because she was just not ready to go, she talked about how she wished she could see my cousins play basketball again and how she wanted to have another campfire with me and my brothers again. She really tried to fight it but she just didn't have the strength in the end and her organs slowly started shutting down. I was at her bedside most of her last week and as I talked with her and held her hand I could tell she was very nervous and had a lot of anxiety knowing that she didn't have much longer. Then finally she slipped into a coma and that night she died in her sleep.
After that moment a fear came over me that I can't seem to shake now. I can't imagine what she must have felt, not wanting to go, not being ready. That's exactly how I feel about death. I am afraid of that moment when I'm older and I become immobile. That moment when I'm lying in my bed starring at the ceiling, feeling my body start to shut down, that moment when I know I don't have much longer. I'm afraid of the whole process and I'm afraid of what does...or doesn't come next. I'm afraid that I will just cease to exist, that will be it, all of my life, gone. My second fear is that my soul will just wonder after, that I'll be alone, or even worse, in a world that I don't want to be in. My hope is that I'll go to heaven and reunite with my loved ones, but that's not enough to cast out my fears.
I think about this every day. And sometimes I even get anxiety attacks at the thought that I will one day experience my own death. So, I want to hear from those of you who have had near death experiences. What is it like? Were you afraid? Nervous? Please be honest, I want to hear your stories. Thanks.
MattyB0621 MattyB0621
22-25, M
1 Response May 11, 2012

I think is quite normal to be afraid of dead, I'm afraid too, but I just try to avoid thinking about it..
I lost my grandma ( in 2009) and my grandpa (2011),because of cancer so I have felt this feelings, this fear about dying, I can't tell you how to dominate this fear, I just can say that I understand what do you mean, and I think it's normal to be afraid about it, I supose that we just have be strong. Hugs and Greetings