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I Wish I Had A Terminal Disease

I have tried suicide 3x and stood on high bridge more times than I care to remember. I have held a rifle to my head on 2 occassions with it loaded and cocked. The only thing that saved my life was those I would leave behind. I couldn't imagine what it would do to my friends and family if I was to do such a thing. It is the most selfish act anyone can do... So for that reason I am not suicidal, but I wish I was dead.

 

I keep hoping to get some form of cancer or brain tumour and then people could have closure upon my death and it would not be such a mystery to anyone. I drink so much that I think my liver has already packed its bag and is ready to move out, I smoke a pack a day and I don't like smoking. I'm addicted to smoking, I've been doing it 3yrs so it not like I do it just to try and get cancer. In some ways I wish I would though. Everytime I get ill I hope its the end... I can't help feeling this way and I don't want to be. I actually have a good life. I have parents who love me, my relationship is on the rocks but I'm sure we'll make it through. I just bought a new car, I love my job! But I still feel this way... I have such self loathing for myself and don't feel anyone in this world should have to suffer me, but I come across as one the happiest people you'll ever meet.

 

I don't know anymore. I just know I don't want to live, but I can't hurt people by taking my life. So I'm not suicidal, but I'd rather be dead

SadRanger SadRanger 22-25, M 8 Responses Mar 28, 2010

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This is how I have felt just about my entire life. I pray for cancer on a regular basis. I want to die but I don't want to leave that impact on my family that I ended it myself. For a very long time I would sit out in the bitter cold in the woods hoping that I would just freeze to death. It would be a peaceful way to go. Now I have a very unhappy marriage but a wonderful son. But I fear that I just don't have the love for him as he deserves. I hate myself. I wish I were dead everyday. I just want it to happen in a way that will not make my family feel shame. I am so glad I am not alone. Right now I am feeling with crazy medical issues. Half of my body has numb spots and pain. I also have had many opportunistic infections. And all I can think of is how I can tell my husband (who hates me) about a future oncologist appointment. But choose to not fight it. I love my family but I really do feel like they are much better off without me.

This is exactly how I feel. I know this was posted 4 years ago, but it's still relevant to me. I feel like I've had this feeling my whole life. I have an amazing family who loves me and a brother who looks up to me, friends, grandparents, and the Christian community who I could go and who love me and choose me to be in their lives. I've never suffered any great losses in my life - the worst thing that has happened is my dog dying when I was 9 and that I've moved around a lot (8 times) since being born. At first, my feelings just consisted of not wanting to be here- not on this planet with these people. I just wanted to be elsewhere - I never really considered how I would go or how it would effect people. Then I started thinking more about it; why didn't I want to be here? I started to realize how unhappy I really was... all the time. I thought, 'The only times I'm happy are when im around other people, and even then it's because I've convinced myself that this is sufficient and I am happy.' And for about two years I haven't gone a day without thinking graphically about suicide. Blood in the bathtub, feet dangling above a toppled chair, shattered limbs on a sidewalk by a tall building... And I'm so compelled to act, but like you said, the thing that keeps me here is the people id leave behind. My parents-- my mom, godammit, she thinks that her purpose in life is to support me and give me advice and just be here for me; imagine if she found out that I chose to end my life? She'd feel.. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's such a selfish act, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's like a sick, sick addiction. I just want to have the weight taken off my shoulders, to contract some life threatening disease where everyone knows I can't do anything about it so they accept that this is my fate.
Honestly I try to be religious because I don't want to have these thoughts. I surround myself with all of these beautiful, perfect people who I don't deserve in my life at all. Why? Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to stop myself from ending my life. It's my unspoken defense mechanism... And the threat is me.
I guess now I'm just so scared. Because there's this big change coming up in my life, where I'm going to be alone. I'm going to be my own responsibility. And what if I don't find anyone to save me?
I hope to God that this is just teen angst. Wouldn't that be wonderful, if this was all just unruly hormones? I'm a 17 year old girl, a junior in high school.

SadRanger,

I read this and felt like I was reading my thoughts. I told my psychiatrist of this recently, and he said rather nonchalantly, "Oh, that's passive suicidal ideation." Great, I thought. Yet another diagnosis that tries to make sense yet ends up only mystifying more the ongoings of this sick mind.

A few weeks, I had to have a mole biopsied. When the doctor informed me of this, my first thought was ,"Yes! I hope it's malignant." I saw my mom's face next to me, and I quickly contorted my face into affected fear.

I too used to drink heavily hoping that it would kill me in some way. Indeed, I came close a few times. But I've since quit drinking, seeing how it was affecting my family. If they hadn't been there, I'd probably be homeless, dead, or terminally ill by now.


So, even while surrounded by and ensconced in all the elements that should constitute a happy life, I too spend the days fantasising the glorious onset of death. At least suicide takes some courage. This, this perverse game I play in my mind, on my body, is the acme of cowardice.

Yours,
alyosha1990

I feel that way a lot especially lately actually found myself looking up the leading causes of cancer. So crazy what heartache and frustration can do to a person. Yes I know it's selfish and ridiculous and probably just a temporary feeling that we all go through. My biggest reason is I want to be with the Lord and I want it to happen soon. The more I pray for things to get better in the things I struggle with the worse it gets. None of it is Gods fault it's mine because I obviously don't get what someone I love very much needs from me. That hurts more than anything and it's enough to make you want to say ok that's it I quit. My friend ended his life years ago and though I would never follow his example there are many times where I understand why he did it

I feel your pain, I feel it every day, some more than most. I hope you one day find you want to live. To live for you because your special. Special to those around you , family, friends and colleagues. I wish it for me to and for everyone that feels as we do. I see so much injustice and pain in the world and feel I should never of been born and don't belong. We all have a story, we all have history and mine is long. Its filled with rejection, hate, pain and loss, depression and in places some love not to mention physical, mental and sexual abuse. The way I see it theres always a way through, its just finding it . Keep on living, keep on loving. we are here for a reason and when that reasons done then its time to go. we don't know our reason or when its done . So try and try and try again to find that silver lining . :-)

That's exactly how I feel. I was googling "How to contract a deadly disease" - and it was reassuring that I'm not the only one to feel this way. Please let me know if you find out how to contract a virus or something.

wow, this was deep, i feel your pain, i actually have been felling like this recently, but unlike you, my life is the opposite of good, when i was little, i was separated from my parents, and even though we found each other i still live with the feeling of not being with them, they love me, but i don't get the attention i desire as their child, i feel like the world doesnt want me but i still stick to it, i was saved from a gun shot by a friend who died in it during war, and i still wonder why i survived, i have had a motorcycle accident with a car, was at the hospital for five months and still survived, but i dont know why,i was always bullied at school and everywhere because i was the house girl who helped clean everyone around her and never gets time for herself, i was then hit by a water truck while crossing the road and was at the hospital for a year and three months, during that time i attempted to kill myself by putting air in my iv, but the nurse saved me (we kept this a secret), it seems like everything i do is being blocked, now i live just to see why i still live and when i will die, but just like you, i hope i was dead...

I hope you are still around. I know well the feeling of wanting to be in a hospital dying except the feelings you have about not wanting to hurt others - they would expand ten times, maybe 100 times with an end stage terminal disease. With a terminal disease, you don't get to choose what goes wrong, and it isn't like the movies, incontenance, dementia, and dysautomia are just part of what goes on for months, as those you love have to watch their worst nightmare happening over and over again, every day. <br />
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I used to want to infect myself with AIDS until they found pills to make you live, just wanted a way out. Now I spend all my energy making sure that I survive another day, another week, not because I love life, but because I love those who love me. Please, if there is only 10 seconds in a week you feel less than wanting to be dead, smile and share it with someone. That act will mean so much later if you do die.