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I Wish I Had A Terminal Disease

I have tried suicide 3x and stood on high bridge more times than I care to remember. I have held a rifle to my head on 2 occassions with it loaded and cocked. The only thing that saved my life was those I would leave behind. I couldn't imagine what it would do to my friends and family if I was to do such a thing. It is the most selfish act anyone can do... So for that reason I am not suicidal, but I wish I was dead.

 

I keep hoping to get some form of cancer or brain tumour and then people could have closure upon my death and it would not be such a mystery to anyone. I drink so much that I think my liver has already packed its bag and is ready to move out, I smoke a pack a day and I don't like smoking. I'm addicted to smoking, I've been doing it 3yrs so it not like I do it just to try and get cancer. In some ways I wish I would though. Everytime I get ill I hope its the end... I can't help feeling this way and I don't want to be. I actually have a good life. I have parents who love me, my relationship is on the rocks but I'm sure we'll make it through. I just bought a new car, I love my job! But I still feel this way... I have such self loathing for myself and don't feel anyone in this world should have to suffer me, but I come across as one the happiest people you'll ever meet.

 

I don't know anymore. I just know I don't want to live, but I can't hurt people by taking my life. So I'm not suicidal, but I'd rather be dead

SadRanger SadRanger 22-25, M 4 Responses Mar 28, 2010

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I feel your pain, I feel it every day, some more than most. I hope you one day find you want to live. To live for you because your special. Special to those around you , family, friends and colleagues. I wish it for me to and for everyone that feels as we do. I see so much injustice and pain in the world and feel I should never of been born and don't belong. We all have a story, we all have history and mine is long. Its filled with rejection, hate, pain and loss, depression and in places some love not to mention physical, mental and sexual abuse. The way I see it theres always a way through, its just finding it . Keep on living, keep on loving. we are here for a reason and when that reasons done then its time to go. we don't know our reason or when its done . So try and try and try again to find that silver lining . :-)

That's exactly how I feel. I was googling "How to contract a deadly disease" - and it was reassuring that I'm not the only one to feel this way. Please let me know if you find out how to contract a virus or something.

wow, this was deep, i feel your pain, i actually have been felling like this recently, but unlike you, my life is the opposite of good, when i was little, i was separated from my parents, and even though we found each other i still live with the feeling of not being with them, they love me, but i don't get the attention i desire as their child, i feel like the world doesnt want me but i still stick to it, i was saved from a gun shot by a friend who died in it during war, and i still wonder why i survived, i have had a motorcycle accident with a car, was at the hospital for five months and still survived, but i dont know why,i was always bullied at school and everywhere because i was the house girl who helped clean everyone around her and never gets time for herself, i was then hit by a water truck while crossing the road and was at the hospital for a year and three months, during that time i attempted to kill myself by putting air in my iv, but the nurse saved me (we kept this a secret), it seems like everything i do is being blocked, now i live just to see why i still live and when i will die, but just like you, i hope i was dead...

I hope you are still around. I know well the feeling of wanting to be in a hospital dying except the feelings you have about not wanting to hurt others - they would expand ten times, maybe 100 times with an end stage terminal disease. With a terminal disease, you don't get to choose what goes wrong, and it isn't like the movies, incontenance, dementia, and dysautomia are just part of what goes on for months, as those you love have to watch their worst nightmare happening over and over again, every day. <br />
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I used to want to infect myself with AIDS until they found pills to make you live, just wanted a way out. Now I spend all my energy making sure that I survive another day, another week, not because I love life, but because I love those who love me. Please, if there is only 10 seconds in a week you feel less than wanting to be dead, smile and share it with someone. That act will mean so much later if you do die.