I Wish I Had A Terminal Disease
I have tried suicide 3x and stood on high bridge more times than I care to remember. I have held a rifle to my head on 2 occassions with it loaded and cocked. The only thing that saved my life was those I would leave behind. I couldn't imagine what it would do to my friends and family if I was to do such a thing. It is the most selfish act anyone can do... So for that reason I am not suicidal, but I wish I was dead.
I keep hoping to get some form of cancer or brain tumour and then people could have closure upon my death and it would not be such a mystery to anyone. I drink so much that I think my liver has already packed its bag and is ready to move out, I smoke a pack a day and I don't like smoking. I'm addicted to smoking, I've been doing it 3yrs so it not like I do it just to try and get cancer. In some ways I wish I would though. Everytime I get ill I hope its the end... I can't help feeling this way and I don't want to be. I actually have a good life. I have parents who love me, my relationship is on the rocks but I'm sure we'll make it through. I just bought a new car, I love my job! But I still feel this way... I have such self loathing for myself and don't feel anyone in this world should have to suffer me, but I come across as one the happiest people you'll ever meet.
I don't know anymore. I just know I don't want to live, but I can't hurt people by taking my life. So I'm not suicidal, but I'd rather be dead