Thoughts..just Thoughts.

I am not suicidal but I think about it daily. I can be just sitting here watching tv or playing online and in the back of my mind I am contemplating ways to kill myself. I know I have mental issues, but i wish these thoughts would stop. I look at other people and it seems so odd to me that some people have NEVER even thought about it!

amyjo3 amyjo3
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 10, 2009

I am not sure what draws me to it. I have attempted it several times in childhood and adulthood, the last attempt even marveled the doctors who said there is no way I should b alive. Yet i walked out 6 hours after arriving with alittle grogginess as the only side-effect. Around the same time I started self-mutilation, I would only cut deep enough to see blood. When I was doing that it was never with the intention of killing myself. The times I did try were all very dark hours of my life, maybe it was my way of testing god? "Show me I need to be here, show me I have a purpose" It wasn't a cry for attention because until I started posting here it wasnt something I talked about. My family doesnt even know about the last few times. I thought that when my problems were gone, so would the thoughts be. But now I do have a new outlook on my life, for once there is hope, I am happy (well as happy as I can be), and I WANT to be here but the thoughts are still there. Always in the back of my mind. It is so bad that I am thinking about it even when I am playing board games with my girls. I know it isn't normal but I cant make it stop.

Well I certainly think about it,quite often,and I think it's quite normal,alot of the people have thought of it,some even attempted,including myself.What is it that you are seduced by?What do you find most attractive and pleasurable thinking about it?