I'm being referred to a counsellor because I can't find anything worth staying alive for. I have never had family. My regular job had a wife, once. She wasn't interested in me though. I don't "party". Sex has only ever been a complete disappointment- they have to be interested in me in order to interest me. Money has no appeal to me, it can keep me alive, it can attract all kinds of trouble, too. but money cannot bring anything worthwhile into my life if there's nothing worthwhile out there. I'm tired of reading books, they don't make any good movies anymore, not since color film. I don't compete, so games are not an interest to me either- I'm not one to ********** my ego. The only freedom I have is the freedom to choose from the selection dictated to me, none of which is any good. I am left with existance only, not life. Medications can't make me oblivious to this- only death can. but that is not an option. I'm forced to live for everyone else's sake- i'm just not allowed to have anything that I could enjoy. I have to enjoy what others do, even if I have to force myself to. Or more likely I'm supposed to fake my way through existance to make everyone else happy. Nobody cares about my happiness, though. Sooner or later I'll end up locked up in a room to live out the rest of life like a hostage simply because I am unable to enjoy what everybody else does.
I can't ba
se a friendship on the word itself, nor because somebody says that I owe them. Friendship requires time and commitment- these are two things in short supply in this fast-paced, self-serving and disposable world. All I can say is "stop the world I want to get off". I am lonely and alone because I can't go where everybody else is going, nor does anybody care that their leaving me behind.
I can't ba