Stuck In A Rut!So I was in a relationship for 9 years. We were good together never argued seriously or anything enjoyed our time together sitting around and doing nothing. He was the one!
Our love life was a bit lifeless. It would seem that over the 9 years we went to one concert that was awesome and he came home drunk most nights after being out with his friends to me who was always waiting for him. He loved his mates he loved to drink he loved the attention he got!
We split on bad terms but then somehow became friends again about 2 years later. When we split I fell into depression. Suddenly I had nothing he was my best friend as well. He was my universe. I would go shopping and comeback empty handed because suddenly I hade choices. He was a vegetarian and had sensitive skin so when he was about my choices were somewhat limited.
I stated with huge amounts of coke on the weekends and then all through the week. I held down my full time job during this. I have no idea how bit glade I did. I have been clean for a little over 2 years now and not a day goes by that I don’t miss it. I think about it all the time. It made me feel good it assisted me in being me. It was all good apart from the financial side and the lack of sleep.
I got together with a friend of a friend. I had met him a couple of time he seemed cool. We have been together 2 years now. We have nothing in common with one another. He works long hours 12 hour days so he doesn’t have much free time. He loves to smoke weed. I can understand to a point as it helps him sleep and relax after a long hard day. We are home all the time when we are not working. We don’t go out we don’t socialise nothing. His mates might come over every other week or so but that’s about it.
I went through a phase of going out and getting pissed. I was good fun and I had good fun. Eventually I got bared because I was getting friendly with a lesbian and her girlfriend didn’t like it! Nothing happened we would just get drunk and laugh a lot.
So here I am back in doors. I don’t have many friends. I do like to socialise but when I go out I like to feel free I have always been one to make friends with the opposite sex! Nothing sexual its just I used to be a tom boy when I was young and I guess I still am a bit.
I like to go out have a laugh but I guess the way I would behave would seem a bit odd to my boyfriend. I would happily dance with men have a drink with them and generally behave like them but not jump into bed with them or anything like that I just like the calm laid back behaviour of men when they go out. The jeans and t-shirt type with trainers. Not make up and high heals. Sometimes I like to put a dress on but that doesn’t change my behaviour.
My boyfriend is a good boy he works and does all the things I used to want my x to do but its not the same. I guess I have always picked men that have needed my help or I thought needed my help. My x described me as being like his mother more that a girlfriend. I can see his point.
Now though I am stuck I don’t know what to do? I love my boyfriend but feel there is nothing to us. There is no substance to our relationship. I don’t want to leave him, he loves me loads and we bought a flat together over seas. His family are lovely and I hope to grow old in another country as life here is tough when you’re old.
I have always wanted a place of my own as I rent here. I thought that getting this flat would please me enough to forget about the sadness. It did for a while but not any more.
I’m still taking my anti depressant medication. I still feel depressed. I don’t think there is anything my boyfriend can do to change things for the better. I always nag at him to stop smoking the weed but to be honest if he did I don’t think it would make much difference to our lives or relationship. I think it would just make both of us unhappy instead of it just being me!
I don’t know what I want or what will make me happy.
I don’t know what to do I feel stuck!