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Stuck In A Rut!

So I was in a relationship for 9 years. We were good together never argued seriously or anything enjoyed our time together sitting around and doing nothing. He was the one!
Our love life was a bit lifeless. It would seem that over the 9 years we went to one concert that was awesome and he came home drunk most nights after being out with his friends to me who was always waiting for him. He loved his mates he loved to drink he loved the attention he got!
We split on bad terms but then somehow became friends again about 2 years later. When we split I fell into depression. Suddenly I had nothing he was my best friend as well. He was my universe. I would go shopping and comeback empty handed because suddenly I hade choices. He was a vegetarian and had sensitive skin so when he was about my choices were somewhat limited.
I stated with huge amounts of coke on the weekends and then all through the week. I held down my full time job during this. I have no idea how bit glade I did. I have been clean for a little over 2 years now and not a day goes by that I don’t miss it. I think about it all the time. It made me feel good it assisted me in being me. It was all good apart from the financial side and the lack of sleep.
I got together with a friend of a friend. I had met him a couple of time he seemed cool. We have been together 2 years now. We have nothing in common with one another. He works long hours 12 hour days so he doesn’t have much free time. He loves to smoke weed. I can understand to a point as it helps him sleep and relax after a long hard day. We are home all the time when we are not working. We don’t go out we don’t socialise nothing. His mates might come over every other week or so but that’s about it.
I went through a phase of going out and getting pissed. I was good fun and I had good fun. Eventually I got bared because I was getting friendly with a lesbian and her girlfriend didn’t like it! Nothing happened we would just get drunk and laugh a lot.
So here I am back in doors. I don’t have many friends. I do like to socialise but when I go out I like to feel free I have always been one to make friends with the opposite sex! Nothing sexual its just I used to be a tom boy when I was young and I guess I still am a bit.
I like to go out have a laugh but I guess the way I would behave would seem a bit odd to my boyfriend. I would happily dance with men have a drink with them and generally behave like them but not jump into bed with them or anything like that I just like the calm laid back behaviour of men when they go out. The jeans and t-shirt type with trainers. Not make up and high heals. Sometimes I like to put a dress on but that doesn’t change my behaviour.
My boyfriend is a good boy he works and does all the things I used to want my x to do but its not the same. I guess I have always picked men that have needed my help or I thought needed my help. My x described me as being like his mother more that a girlfriend. I can see his point.
Now though I am stuck I don’t know what to do? I love my boyfriend but feel there is nothing to us. There is no substance to our relationship. I don’t want to leave him, he loves me loads and we bought a flat together over seas. His family are lovely and I hope to grow old in another country as life here is tough when you’re old.
I have always wanted a place of my own as I rent here. I thought that getting this flat would please me enough to forget about the sadness. It did for a while but not any more.
I’m still taking my anti depressant medication. I still feel depressed. I don’t think there is anything my boyfriend can do to change things for the better. I always nag at him to stop smoking the weed but to be honest if he did I don’t think it would make much difference to our lives or relationship. I think it would just make both of us unhappy instead of it just being me!
I don’t know what I want or what will make me happy.
I don’t know what to do I feel stuck!
darcy79 darcy79 31-35, F 1 Response May 20, 2012

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I really feel for you in your situation. A few years ago I was in a similar situation, or sort of a combination of both your relationships. I was with a man who needed me (and I did him, in a way, at least I knew where I was because I liked feeling needed), and yet our love-life was all but non-existent, and by the end, we had nothing in common. I felt so trapped and frustrated.

So, what did I do? I left, after a decade together. I know this is not the longest relationship ever, but if was still a big thing. I thought we'd get married, we had also bought a property overseas, and this was our "dream" together. When I left, I felt like the bottom fell out of my world. All my feelings of being trapped and frustrated suddenly had no channel. Like you, I'd never had to make decisions purely based on what I wanted or needed. I didn't even know what I wanted or needed. I also fell into a big depression, and I also started to abuse myself, although for me it was alcohol. By the way, I have big respect for you for staying off the coke. Keep going, because at some point in the future (where the happy and strong you is waiting for you), you'll be glad you stuck with it, and you won't miss it every day any more.

It will be hard if you decide to finish your relationship, but the difficult part will be the short, sharp shock of doing it. Once that's done...it can only get better. It's like having a dislocated arm, being stranded on a hillside, with someone who can put it back...it's going to hurt worse than hell, but you know you can't move until it's done. And look at what you've already achieved! If you decide this is the path, you are able to do it. You're halfway along the path...it's a long one, and it's hard, but by the time you get there you will, I promise, be fighting fit.

Just because your current boyfriend is great on paper, and is everything you wanted your ex to be, doesn't mean it's right. This is exactly how I used to justify being with my ex - there was no good reason to leave, I got on well with his family, we'd invested a lot into the relationship...but the fact remained, I was desperately unhappy. The only thing that means it's right is being really happy. And you most certainly are not. So, the bad news is, you're not done with the hard work yet. But the good news is, you can be happy.

My honest advice would be this: as you say yourself, there's not much that can change to make you happy in your current relationship. You enjoy being needed, so maybe this means you're great at taking care of people. What do you do for a job? Have you considered changing jobs, or training to do something else? For example, a care based job? Maybe you feel this need to be needed because it's one of your sterling qualities, and you're brilliant at it! Don't ignore this need, because it's probably something you need to do! Just, do it in a healthy way. There are millions of people who can't care for people and make them feel good, so put this to good use! But for your happiness too. And then....enjoy being single, if you decide to go for it. Enjoy the fact no one will mind it you're a tom-boy. I am too, and I have had the discussion with my female friends many times that it's sad if other men assume that just because we have a laugh with EVERYBODY (male and female) means that we want to jump into bed with them. As you know, it's not the case. However, having stopped trying to please a partner (conveniently being single!), we've then met men who don't always have this one-sided view of things. And you will too. And then maybe, like us, you'll just smile, thank them for the compliment, and continue enjoying your life...!

Don't look to a relationship to make yourself happy, look to yourself. From your post, you sound like you have so much going for you, you sound fun, intelligent and with so much potential. When this potential gets put to use (which it will do...it's not easy, but you'll do it...), you'll actually be glad you went through this current hell, (I don't use that word lightly - I remember how I used to feel, I just didn't want to ever leave my bed, I don't even recognise the person I was) because the experience and wisdom that comes from taking yourself out of a situation like this cannot be overrated.

I once heard Emiliana Torrini say something that changed my world, at a gig when I was at my lowest ebb. She said, "I'm dedicating this to my friends who are happy. Because you have to be f***ing brave to be happy". And it's true. At the time I didn't know how I'd ever have the strength to be brave enough to change my life, but I did and you do too. And the other thing...travel. Travel, and work, and meet people, and don't expect an overnight change. Expect loneliness, soul-searching, expect to question yourself....and accept it all and face it full on. Just don't stay as you are.

You have my best, best wishes for everything in the future. Please believe me, you can be happy again, and in fact happier than you ever could have been BECAUSE of all this. Be brave, and be happy, and never, ever stop. If you would like my email for occasional "you can do it's", just ask.