Making a Choice - Changing From Lover to Friend
I have had a lover for about 9 months. When we met - we were both married, both in bad relationships, both needed something. We clicked - we spent time together when we could, and I have to say - it was much more than I thought it would be. A lot of the stories I have written on this site, pertain to the unobtainable lover that I have - or had, rather.
We started as purely physical, trying to fill a void that we needed. Trying to find a little piece of something to make us both happier in the lifeless marriages we both had. The more we were together - the more I fell in love with him. He said probably about what all the guys would say - he felt alive again, etc. I am not saying it was a line .. BUT reading more and more about women (and men) in these situations, almost all the stories are the same. And I don't want to paint him as the villain either - we entered into this with a 'no expectations' clause. I was the one who, ugh - I was the one who fell in love.
Everything changed about a week and a half ago. My divorce is now final - I know. It is bad to cheat on your spouse - even worse to cheat on your spouse with a married man. I have and will make no excuses for this. This story is about another crossroad.
I asked my lover questions that I needed answered - questions that all women have in their minds regarding new relationships. I needed to know if he loved me or not. Well - he fancies me, but does not love me, never has. He does not ever intend on leaving his life or wife. He knows eventually he will be 'obsolete' - no longer needed, and he wants me to find someone (emphasis on NOT HIM) to fill that void. OK - stop here. In my mind - I KNEW this - and I knew this was coming. I was ready for this - until two months ago. We laid in bed, fully clothed. He looked at me and said he was falling for me too .... I was very ready prior to that to let this go, it was the natural time, it felt right. Then - stupid me - I thought he really did fall for me too.
If he were to choose - he would chose me as a friend - no sex involved, no relationship, nothing more.
So - I am at another crossroad. I don't know if I can be friends - just friends. It wasn't just sex. If for me - at the beginning - I truly had 'just sex' -- then I should be able to walk away. It's hard for me to detach my heart from sex. I was really stupid to think I could do that from the beginning.
He has great qualities - and qualities that bug me, and I know that I would not be a permanent fixture in his life forever. LOGICALLY - my mind SCREAMED this at me EVERY day. But my damn heart - son of a ***** if we could JUST CHOOSE to fall in love with the person we CHOOSE.
To me - he encompassed something that I missed for a very long time, and I see him as the love and intimacy that I never had. That is what I seek - not in one person, but an ideal -- the possibility that this does exist for me.
This is on my mind this week - and I need to choose. I think it would be better for all involved to walk away, scot free, and allow him to get back to his marriage.
It just hurt me a little more than I thought it would when he said he didn't love me ..... and that was when I realized that this 'relationship' was never real. Yeah - a different time, a different place. Maybe he could have actually been a friend - but I don't think I could do this. In fact - I know I can't.
I just feel that I have lost SO MUCH in the last few months ... that losing him too is the final straw. I know I need to let him go - and just LET HIM GO. I never owned him in the first place. And I need to get over the fact that just because sex with a lover is good, it doesn't mean he loves you. I need to realize that sex is NOT love.... it never has been and never will be. And that hurts -- It's going to take a while to reconcile that one. I was sure that he loved me to. I would have bet you a LOT of money - and lost a LOT more ....
Getting him out of my mind - the memories, his touch, his smell, the way we looked at each other, the way he smiles .... I know if I keep talking to him I will never move forward. EVER.
My heart - I SERIOUSLY want to kick it in the *** sometimes and ask 'WTF????' Of all the guys to fall for - yeah, I had to fall for the attached, very serious, unavailable man.
So - you can comment as you would like. This story - to me - is more cathartic than anything, It's an experience, it's on my mind, and I think a lot of things through from typing them, and reading them.
Please send ALL hate mail to : MizzMe PM on EP = ) Yeah - I expect a little of that ....