Making a Choice - Changing From Lover to Friend

I have had a lover for about 9 months. When we met - we were both married, both in bad relationships, both needed something. We clicked - we spent time together when we could, and I have to say - it was much more than I thought it would be. A lot of the stories I have written on this site, pertain to the unobtainable lover that I have - or had, rather.

We started as purely physical, trying to fill a void that we needed. Trying to find a little piece of something to make us both happier in the lifeless marriages we both had. The more we were together - the more I fell in love with him. He said probably about what all the guys would say - he felt alive again, etc. I am not saying it was a line .. BUT reading more and more about women (and men) in these situations, almost all the stories are the same. And I don't want to paint him as the villain either - we entered into this with a 'no expectations' clause. I was the one who, ugh -  I was the one who fell in love.

Everything changed about a week and a half ago. My divorce is now final - I know. It is bad to cheat on your spouse - even worse to cheat on your spouse with a married man. I have and will make no excuses for this. This story is about another crossroad.

I asked my lover questions that I needed answered - questions that all women have in their minds regarding new relationships. I needed to know if he loved me or not. Well - he fancies me, but does not love me, never has. He does not ever intend on leaving his life or wife. He knows eventually he will be 'obsolete' - no longer needed, and he wants me to find someone (emphasis on NOT HIM) to fill that void. OK - stop here. In my mind - I KNEW this - and I knew this was coming. I was ready for this - until two months ago. We laid in bed, fully clothed. He looked at me and said he was falling for me too .... I was very ready prior to that to let this go, it was the natural time, it felt right. Then - stupid me - I thought he really did fall for me too.

If he were to choose - he would chose me as a friend - no sex involved, no relationship, nothing more.

So - I am at another crossroad. I don't know if I can be friends - just friends. It wasn't just sex. If for me - at the beginning - I truly had 'just sex' -- then I should be able to walk away. It's hard for me to detach my heart from sex. I was really stupid to think I could do that from the beginning.

He has great qualities - and qualities that bug me, and I know that I would not be a permanent fixture in his life forever. LOGICALLY - my mind SCREAMED this at me EVERY day. But my damn heart - son of a ***** if we could JUST CHOOSE to fall in love with the person we CHOOSE.

To me - he encompassed something that I missed for a very long time, and I see him as the love and intimacy that I never had. That is what I seek - not in one person, but an ideal -- the possibility that this does exist for me.

This is on my mind this week - and I need to choose. I think it would be better for all involved to walk away, scot free, and allow him to get back to his marriage. 

It just hurt me a little more than I thought it would when he said he didn't love me ..... and that was when I realized that this 'relationship' was never real. Yeah - a different time, a different place. Maybe he could have actually been a friend - but I don't think I could do this. In fact - I know I can't.

I just feel that I have lost SO MUCH in the last few months ... that losing him too is the final straw. I know I need to let him go - and just LET HIM GO. I never owned him in the first place. And I need to get over the fact that just because sex with a lover is good, it doesn't mean he loves you. I need to realize that sex is NOT love.... it never has been and never will be. And that hurts -- It's going to take a while to reconcile that one. I was sure that he loved me to. I would have bet you a LOT of money - and lost a LOT more ....

Getting him out of my mind - the memories, his touch, his smell, the way we looked at each other, the way he smiles .... I know if I keep talking to him I will never move forward. EVER.

My heart - I SERIOUSLY want to kick it in the *** sometimes and ask 'WTF????' Of all the guys to fall for - yeah, I had to fall for the attached, very serious, unavailable man.

So - you can comment as you would like. This story - to me - is more cathartic than anything, It's an experience, it's on my mind, and I think a lot of things through from typing them, and reading them.

Please send ALL hate mail to : MizzMe PM on EP = ) Yeah - I expect a little of that ....

MizzBlue72 MizzBlue72
36-40, F
18 Responses Jun 1, 2009

Im going thruogh the same hell rite now and all i get is anxiety and roller coaster ride with my emotions. See im a 53 yr old male and shes a 24 yr old female. We had a rough patch in our relationship after 2 years and we decided to take a break just for a little abstaining from the usual grind to rekindle things a bit. Ive always treated her like a queen.During this break her brother introduced her to a friend and they hit it off. Leaving me with a head full of emotion and anxiety. And never a reason for her choices as bad as they may be she seemed happy and i was happy for her as i knew because our age difference that the day would come that she or i would become incompatible. The sex was great we got along great and were best of friends. She was very possesive and jealous of all females from ages 18-53 because she believed this was my age range for dating. It didnt help much meeting her on one of my jobs and falling in love either. I had never met a woman on my job before and dated and explained to her she was the fitst and last and for me to meet a beautiful woman 22 yrs old who is so attracted to me is a one in a 10000 shot.And i would have to be attracted to her as well. So thats where her insecurities come from and i explainedbto her on a daily basis that i love her and only have eyes for her and im not the plumber portrayed in all the damn tv jokes. And i may have a discrimination suit in the but one day i put on my usual calogne that morning and was walking out the door and thats when she flipped.causing our break and seperation. The problem now is she wants to be friends still and in the past two months she has visited and stayed the night 4 yimes and the first two she demanded sex. I told her no and after she badgerd me i finally gave in and told her ok but we would have to use a condom as i knew this was her fertile window and she wanted to have a baby with me.. So we got into another disagreement and did not have sex. All the while she pops in with telling me about her new life and man..problem is she demands we still be friends and doing it with a broken heart is more than i can take specially with her leaving me with no time to heal. Everytime she comes to our home which is sometimes twice a day i have anxiety and its emotionally draining. She has them only after i tell her i cant do it anymore and to get the rest of her clothes out. Only then does she panic.Any advise would be appreciated.

As one that has been there I know that you know you need to walk away. You can't be friends, the memories will haunt you. I am the MM that was in her life for a reason. I helped her through some hard and lonely times but she needed to move on. I'd like her in my life for a lifetime but that can't and won't happen. So instead I avoid her emails, looking at her pictures, and most of all the memories.

I hope you can do the same. I understand the angst you feel and want you to know you are a good person. Our hearts cannot be ignored but I believe they can find new peace and happiness. This is hard to write because I am writing to us both.

You must feel awful. I know what you mean, I've been there too but I pulled out every time I got deep.

I felt really sad and choked up for you when I read this.. Interesting stuff.. would you care to read my blog and comment? ----newbie

"If I feel this bad, I can not imagine how his wife feels." <br />
<br />
You're on the right track. You're honest about what you've done, and you're able to think about other people's feelings. Anyone who does those two things will learn what they need to learn. <br />
<br />
There are many people who haven't done anything I'd disapprove of but I trust them far less than someone like you who owns up.

There should be "NO" hate mail. Until you walk in someone else's shoes we should not judge. I know where you are. We trust that the "other" person is being truthful. But, then we really don't know that for sure. <br />
However, move on. There is someone very special out there for you. I know your heartbreak, and pain. <br />
We don't always make the right decisions, but we can learn to live & learn from our mistakes. <br />
Wishing you the very best.

Jack Soul - Still Believe In Love<br />
youtube it.<br />
Be strong, you have a lot of life left, use it wisely.

MizzBlue - what happened with your guy? What did you decide? Are you still seeing him? I'm just 12 days out of an affair I was in with a MM for almost a year. It was my choice to walk away. I decided that I couldn't be "just friends" with someone I am in love with. He said he doesn't know what will happen with his marriage but he isn't leaving his wife in the near future. We were both married when we met online and I did leave my husband (not because of MM - because my marriage was over). I made the right decision for me about that and am a happier person for it. My MM apparently was very unsure and says he was truly torn and considering leaving his wife but they have history and a child. He says if not for the child, he'd be gone from his marriage. Anyhow, I feel as though if I did try to be friends with him that he's still getting the emotional and intellectual needs he has met by me, and it also prevents me from truly getting over him and moving on. Of course I hope I'll hear from him and he'll realize he really wants me ... but from what I have read and know, that will never happen. Anyhow, just wondered what happened with your situation.

Thank you all for your support and posts!!! <br />
I have made a decision, and so has he. It may not be the right decision, but it is a solid decision none the less. <br />
I still wonder what he is - a reason, a season or a lifetime .... <br />
i could have at one time banked on a reason. Not so sure anymore!! <br />
All I know is that I miss him more each day, and my heart breaks to think that I am this selfish. If I feel this bad, I can not imagine how his wife feels.

This is not the answer to everything. Just a simple summary of perspective..............<br />
<br />
<br />
A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime<br />
<br />
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or<br />
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you<br />
will know what to do for each person.<br />
<br />
When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is<br />
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have<br />
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you<br />
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,<br />
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a<br />
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason<br />
you need them to be.<br />
<br />
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an<br />
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something<br />
to bring the relationship to an end.<br />
<br />
Sometimes they die.<br />
Sometimes they walk away.<br />
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.<br />
<br />
What we must realise is that our need has been met, our<br />
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you<br />
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.<br />
<br />
When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .<br />
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.<br />
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.<br />
They may teach you something you have never done.<br />
They usually give you an unbelievable amount<br />
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.<br />
<br />
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things<br />
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional<br />
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the<br />
person, and put what you have learned to use in all<br />
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said<br />
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.<br />
<br />
Author Unknown

Thanks - and I completely agree. I do think we get what we need .. and I am really glad that we don't always get what we want, because most of the time it is NOT what I need :)

I have walked in your shoes. There are no judgements here. Sometimes I think we get exactly what we need, not always what we want, but what we need.<br />
<br />
Keep moving forward. One door closes, another one opens. Read the book IS HE MR. RIGHT? <br />
<br />
Very best<br />

Agreed --- I AM in a better place, although not being forced to do so, I needed to make the choice. And I agree - not all men are bad, at all, as not all women are evil. It depends on who and HOW you meet I would say =)

Thank-you for sharing your story, MizzMe. Look at all of the messages you've received! Hate male . . . That is, hate mail: 0; Supportive (not including my own): 6! <br />
<br />
Let's leave the questions of wrong vs. right and good vs. bad to saints and philosophers. We're only human, after all. You are certainly not alone in your situation. It may feel that way because this isn't something you just talk to people about, is it?<br />
<br />
It sounds like you have found out more about yourself through this experience, both positive and negative. They are strange bedfellow (if you'll pardon the ex<x>pression), as it's really hard to know what love and feeling good are unless we've experienced loss and hardship, as well. It sounds like you have come through all right. Be gengle with yourself, though. Not may not be the best time to go where angels fear to tread. I'm not trying to tell you want not to do (or what you should do, either). It isn't wrong to do what's best for yourself, even if it turns out to be the least of all bad choices. You do know what's best for you. --U.E.

Yep - it is amazing how many people have gone through the same experience. And yeah - everyone deserves Love. =)

Thank you my friends for the comments. Yes - I do believe I lost some, but now I have a huge opportunity to gain. And - I feel that I have learned A LOT from this experience. It is nice to know that yes, I know that everyone is available to be loved.... for the longest time I thought that I would never ever find true love and that I did not deserve true love. I do not think that is true now - everyone is available and deserves to be loved.

Im sorry my friend- I believe maybe some of the choices havent been right for you-but, you may find a better one next. I will keep you in my thoughts!-hugs

I hope you don't get much hate mail. You shared courageously and honestly - that is admirable.