Bisexuality, Asexuality And Assumptions.

I have identified myself as bisexual for almost 10 years now, but in recent years I'm doubting this self declared orientation, they say experimentation and uncertainty is typical for teenagers, but how about adults?
As a teenager I didn't have these doubts, maybe because love and intimacy was more simple (having crushes, being curious etc.), maybe because of hormones or maybe because 'I didn't know any better'.
But now I'm not a teenage girl anymore, but a 23 year old woman and doubting my sexuality more than ever.

I have been through a lot: rape, sluttiness, prostitution and even though most of them were men and I felt like I didn't have a choice, the occassional girl or client's wife was a part of that too.
It makes me wonder: can bad sexual experience alter your sexual orientation? Can it be that I turned from bisexual into an asexual?
I feel attracted to some men and some women (just a select few, mostly when I know their personality, I'm not pansexual though: I like masculine men, so gender (role) is a thing to me), I want to date them, marry them, but I don't know anymore if I want to have sex with them too.
When I'm open about my bisexuality, I hear a lot of assumptions from others and I can't relate to them... I don't like "hot guys and hot girls", I don't want MFF **********, I can be monogamous and I think in terms of love, not lust.
Are the assumptions just stereotypes? Or am I not bisexual after all?, other bisexual (not pansexual) people I come across seem to fit this stereotype somehow, I feel lonely for not fitting in with other bisexual women.
What connects is the sexuality, something I seem to lack to a degree: does this make me asexual? Because it sounds unlikely: being so different from other bisexual women and hating 'sex culture', but still being bisexual.

I know this is a rant, I'm sorry for that, but I just felt like venting: when you've declared yourself a certain 'flavour', it seems like you actually have to taste that way too and for some unusual reason, I don't.
Any thoughts, advice, recognition or insight would be appreciated, thank you. :-)
Scarcollection Scarcollection
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

Perhaps you are just tired of sex that doesn't mean anything to you.
A burn-out of sorts?

I'm not sure, I have a very low libido, think sex is often painful, I have vaginismus and even IF I get physically aroused, it's hard to keep it that way. And on top of that there's all the emotional issues, pfff, sex is just not my thing as it seems, I avoid it now and that works best for me.

If it works best for you, that's what you should be doing. :)