Beaten Down

A year ago, I was the kind of person who didn't care if I lived or died. I wasn't really suicidal, I just didn't see myself being worth anything to anyone. I had no sense of self-worth. I saw myself as a perpetual screw-up, even though realistically I wasn't screwing up at all. I did what people wanted me to do, I said what they wanted me to say, and I believed what they wanted me to believe. I was too insecure to allow my own opinions to surface. My "friends" treated me terribly. They were completely hypocritical, holding me to ridiculous double standards that made absolutely no sense. I would do whatever it took to defend these people, but got nothing in return, making me feel like I wasn't worth anything. Finally, in the middle of someone's hypocritical rage it all became clear to me. I knew that I didn't deserve all the hell I had to deal with, especially from the person giving it to me. I realized that I deserved better, that I was worth something, and that conformity wasn't going to get me anywhere good in life. From that point on, I made all the big changes I needed to make. My friends, my manner of thinking, the way I acted, it all went through a major upgrading. I'm actually happy now. The old me surfaces every-so-often, but I just remind myself of where that got me and I just keep moving forward.
NewSlangOldTown NewSlangOldTown
22-25, F
1 Response May 2, 2011

no offense but why did you defend liars in the first place?

I'm not entirely sure. It was high school so I probably wanted people to like me, no matter what the cost. I'm also an idealist in the worst way, so I probably thought that if I lead by example maybe some day it would come back to me. That's old news now. I'm done with all those mistakes.

i see .. but you thought it would come back to you like if you did wrong things yourself you would be supported?

I guess more like I thought I'd have someone in my corner if classmates got catty. I really screwed up my social life in high school to hang out with these people for whatever reason, so I was sort of hoping that someone would at least have my back rather than throwing me out to the wolves. This was all going on 5-6 years ago, so that's my best guess of what was going on in my head.