And No One Could Call That a Good Thing

I used to be a person with some measure of hope, no matter how bad things got; i used to be a person with some dignity and self respect, some sense of pride. Not anymore; the world has beaten it of of me. I used to be a person who knew what the world was about at least in terms of myself, what i wanted to accomplish the standards by which i wanted to live my life.

I used to be

I used to be a person who could muster some semblance of happy, who could manage to fake a smile to humorer someone, or a half smile for a good heart trying to cheer me up. Now it's all i can do to keep the tears out of my eyes, to keep from screaming at everyone within 10 blocks, to try to stem the flood of sh-t i level on my friends. 

So much for used to be 

I used to be a person who would look the world in the eye; now i can barely hold my head up. i used to be a person who could envision the good things i would find once i got my life going; now i can see nothing, only manage to juggle the next disaster. I still have a passion but its clouded in disillusion; there really is only so much disappointment and despair one person can endure.  i used to map out the little things in life,  now i pray for death more than ever before,  knowing it is a long time coming knowing there's no peace in sight, no relief. 

I used to know who i was 

it is the death of used to be     


tulick tulick 31-35, F 24 Responses May 17, 2008

Your Response


good bye

why don't you go back and read that stuff again and see if you can't comprehend it this time

because if you had you would know that a positive attitude won't give me the internships or job experience i need as so little of them exist

if you had read it properly of had the ability to think it through you would know that freelance jobs usually last the deration of the project which would interfre with the benifits i get (which depending on what i was being paid i might not need) but would need if not working or beteween gigs or did you not read what happened w/ the job i had for 3 weeks

think before you run your mouth

and the last blooging job ad i saw paid a dollar a blog of which i could create about 1 per week so i'm going to mess up the binifits i get for $4 per month

yeah right

data entry

did you read this not with a typing speed of 19 words per minute that won't improve

bank job

i can't stand on my 8 hours and my math skills suck

work from home things are scams

pod casts

i don't own an i-pod and do you know anyone hiring

start my own business

i would be more sucessful blowing my brains out

good things in life WHAT good things

Change what????

nothing is going to change wihout an income, a job and its not like thats going to happen

even if i wanted to go back to school i couldn't because there's no way to pay for it to say nothing of i got the degree i wanted to do the thing i do best

i can't afford the computer classes i need to posasibly be more marketable in my feild that is assuming i could find someone that teaches them

as i said in the above phonebook i put here i can't afford to do other things like sending things off to get published

chjange what????

"do something about it

DO WHAT????????????????

have fun

so it becomes change what- my perspective as if

my attitude- you must be dreaming

change my life- been there tried that failed miserably and have nothing left to try

so maybe you should try again or just be quiet

C ongratulations to all you get it together quit whining about your life types who made me post this before its time oh well if it ruins my life you all will be rid of me for good if not maybe you'll learn something and SHUT UP

My senior year of high school an agency that helps those with disabilities offered to send me to college but after evaluation they said i needed more career exploration faffed around with a guy from the non profit job placement place they work with for a year

after that they agreed to fund my degree in English if i agreed to teach so i did thinking i would never have to

fast forward 5 years to graduation after having gone through my mom losing job house 5 moths out of school living at grandma's moving 3 times in one year 2 stints w/her in the hospital and then what's looking like permanent residence in a nursing home

they reevaluate my interests concerned about working ability then and only then do i find out i can't teach without a certification, already knew i needed a masters to teach collage level

for newspaper work i needed experience in news papers dido with dust jackets for books inspirational blurbs for calendars or tag lines for brochures

the evaluators suggestions included volunteer work retail and clerical '

after job shadowing as done on their interests for me i was advised to go into clerical

and the new counselor form the agency i got in my last year of college was a B-

After fighting for almost a year not to do clerical i reluctantly agree when the vibe was a threat to terminate services and since it came with the eventual placement services like resume help and job leads i always said i needed

i get out of that and the placement people (also the same agency i faffed around w/ before school) has no clue and i have no career

i get there and its like watching people caught with their pants down people who don't know how to do decent resumes cover letters fill out job apps correctly and them all looking at me like I'm the problem for voicing my discontent WHEN THAT'S WHAT THEY GET PAID TO DO it got so "bad" they suggested a psychological evaluation (just so you know I've never had anything close to a mental illness or taken anything for one) then they all blame me because i didn't do research even though i didn't know how and they have far more resources

We are talking about a pervasive level of incompetence they hired people off the street (a VERY GOOD thing) but gave them less than minimum training while expecting clients to attend a several week job course the worker had at job placement had the job about a year before i landed there and she wasn't given a code for business long distance she wasn't put on the company e-mail circuit for 30 days(thus missing vital info) and was only put on when someone noticed she wasn't

she wasn't told part of her job was to give monthly reports to funding agency counselors about clients

so how in the hell were they supposed to do their job ???????????

The same worker who gave me a resume that might have been up to snuff in 1975 then even after it was redone by a fellow coworker when the head boss asked for updated ones for all clients she just did it in the same lousy format adding the details rather than just go into the document and change the address and phone # like i did when i found out they had no compunction to ask if there was a problem with their work when the redo was mentioned nor did they see the better quality and try to duplicate it but went right back to a piece of crap

Oh and the other idiot that were it says diploma or degree on the education portion put yes worst yet in a meeting w/ my funding agency counselor the head boss of the job placement place tells me that yes is an appropriate answer and my funding agency counselor was either too busy bitching about my behavior or too stupid to know that was a wrong answer or another moron who put illegal in the blank of an illegal question on someones application

They hired someone with a progressive debilitating disease known to impair cognitive function who felt secure enough in their job to while commiserating with a client admit to "losing" words and disclosing the increased difficulty in talking in another instance commiserating with an older client about how destitute you have to be and what you have to give up to get help- boasts that their cellphone is a medical write off because they got lost mere blocks from their house and had to call someone to come get them and this was part of the staff helping mentally challenged and other people with varying disabilities fill out job applications

even one of the people there who seemed to show they could do their job has been known to berate me in class (talking about initiative and motivation) and going the extra step instead of needing the hand holding when in this particular case i had spent 2 hours of time there looking for information X was working with a time limit while others were doing something else and as i said it has more to do with functionality than motivation in this case a prominent magazine that has a list of staff members no job titles and no e-mail for the editor that's easy to find on that same day she then gets mad at me for bringing up that the funding agency gave me no information and wrong information and she goes you didn't know and you get mad at them for not knowing never mind it was their job never mind it would have saved the funding agency and this lady a lot of **** and no I'm mad at them for not trying to find out and not telling me what little they did know

well now its more finding a job and now after 2 years of fighting them then doing the clerical training they wanted and actually getting the chance to explore a writing career they want me to branch out back to book stores music stores retail whatever

well i was going to apply at a book store in my town big well known one that finally made it here someplace i thought i might be able to swallow the indignity of minimum wage no real life exc. and they want you to be cross trained on everything and you have to reach all the book shelves (I can't) because of my disability that also excludes the local library if it involves shelving something i warned them of in terms of sitting on high stools things being a fall hazard and a customer service nightmare so even when i branch out forget it

When i was set to apply for this job worker comes in w/ the application and wants me to fill it out having apparently got them on the phone and i said well what positions do they have open - i don't know- well what positions do they offer- i don't know- i can call them back i said yeah because i need something to put in the position applied for blank

upon calling back she finds out they require cross training for all jobs including ones i couldn't do but what did she ask with them on the phone and some of its common sense if you've ever applied for a job what pissed me off is that these people where meant to liaison between disadvantaged/disabled clients and employers yet she had these people on the phone and asked them no pertinent questions yet i(knowing next to nothing knew what to ask)

so not only do i not get the career i want its no job no life that doesn't include public housing and government checks that's why i was so at the end of my rope

let me give you a little history lesson on what i know

in the 8.5 years sense i graduated high school i have seen my mother lose a house, drag us both to my grandmothers bounce out to 2 more apartments

i graduated college only to find it worthless to have bother found out just how dumber than dirt stupid agency that paid for my schooling and the job placement place was

done clerical training and a worthless one month internship only for them to not want me either even my counselor is now saying we my have to pull back from that

looked at every other kind of job either before schooling or after to discover all the lesser jobs i would want i can't do

have a telemarketing job that basically proved what i already knew i have no business trying to sell things or convince people to give money to anything and i have no business trying to abide by the apply for anything crap the funding was pedaling

i have seen the funding agency screw up the job placement joint screw up 2 different times in different years with more egregious mistakes all the time

i have seen my college career services let me down manage to lose the apartment we were in and land here

and when i applied for housing in dec. 07 (even that was a disaster) over a year at least one glitch later i got housing

i was told 3-6 months- yeah right

i have applied for jobs applied for jobs followed up add nausem (you read my bullshit story) so you know how that went

i have sent inquires to more states than not only to get we have no budget we have no room we only hire locals

everything i do to make things better gets me nothing life just gets worse

people ask me what i see in 10 years more of this or a subsistence life of food stamps social security and public housing

it isn't because a job is not dropping into my hands it is because i am not qualified for the jobs in my field for want of a paragraphs worth of information 4 lousy sentences the COULD have told me but didn't

not only that but EVERYTHING they have done in terms of degree or training has made me virtually unemployable a degree that requires on the job experience you cannot get without previous experience and a useless one month internship in a more practical field but internships are usually 6 months

and it isn't one agency here there's the ones who paid for my degree who said they saw no career in what i wanted without really looking then there is the job placement place that between the current at the time job adds and what they were telling me lead me to believe the logical conclusion that the degree would allow me to get my foot in the door

6 years later there's the job placement place in a different roll and an idiot who when i mentioned writing for publications world wide or at least across the country via internet kept up some jargon about being affiliated with a company rather than saying affiliated w/ a publication and if you want their attention draft an inquiry letter include writing sample send and that just 1 example there are many more

Even when i went to my college career services i was asking about jobs all got was a piece of paper w/ all the things i could do with my degree a suggestion to get on my school paper but nothing about who to talk to nothing about resumes cover letters did not as me if i had one or knew how to do one of bother to tell me they do those things

same with the people who told me to go there they just said go there not go there because they do resumes cover letters can connect you with internships do job placement

we have 3 agencies at EVERY turn making EVERY mistake

it isn't that a job isn't dropping in my hands its that i apply follow up repeat adnausem and i get some of the most unintelligible crap from the employers themselves (for god sake read my story in i don't tolerate bullshit)

then everyone want me to get happy about something like crashing with relatives (see blog for what a nightmare that has been) or maybe the disaster known as applying for housing

it isn't ONE thing its EVERYTHING everything i try to do to be a functional human being literally blows up in my face

oh and as far as responsibility i have taken the responsibility to accept what was offered to me cooperate to the best of my ability without sacrificing what i wanted or doing something completely stupid i got the degree agreed to the training continue to look for work filled out appropriate forms for housing and other things and done EVERYTHING i was supposed to do and do you know what i get SCREWED

also read the blogs Christmas hell, dictators, and fuckwits and demands to see how that went

then went to a meeting w/ my funding agency counselor and some dude from this new employment program

idiots on parade i give them a quick rundown of how things are where they are give some examples as to past incompetence's and at one point she tells me its incorporate to talk about such things in such a way because he works w/ the same people who used to run the dumb ***** place i was at before

i said i disagree he deserves an explanation as to why i don't get along w/ the people i know from there and why things are what they are

he goes at some point one thing i notice is you need to watch what you say in what company

she then tries to say that she asked me about what things i needed to get the career in what i wanted but i wasn't sure

she didn't she said where you gunna work that's it pretty much

instead of her looking at my file seeing the funding agencies ;s plan of teacher and knowing that won't work

looking g at some steady pay check jobs in the writing field and asking have you had internships are you on your school paper have you had things published or you do know you need experience to do that right??

you know actually doing her JOB

then the actual meeting this moron had the never to ask me what i was willing to do to get a job when i told him what happened with the temp agency and that i threw their crap in the trash

he asks me did i know for a fact they only had one position the day the ad was placed i was like no but everyone referring to it as the clerical position was a giant clue

then when i talked about not wanting to fill my resume w/ temp jobs he goes we wouldn't put down every little job we would say you worked for manpower for 6 months

even on meeting 2 when i came back and reminded him of what a hassle it was regarding my social security and the fact they just got it fixed this week hes still like do you remember what i said that they would be the bottom of the barrel

then i bring up the fact that its quite possible i could work for job X for weeks or moths then not work at all for weeks or moths he says sure and while I'm talking about social security he's completely missing it blows HUGE holes in his worked 1 place X months build experience and work history idea

and what he said about dealing with social security

while this moron was trying to tell me that i should take a binder and document every conversation i have with them get their name and id #

first of all they don't have id #s this is not the IRS you get a first name not a last name and it doesn't matter what i document if they don't record ever call and are able to pull it up

then he asks if i reported it immediately i said no at the end of the month per what i was required to do and he tried to imply that was the problem even though i told him it would not have prevented what happened to me (when they sent me something trying to say i own them Dec. payment) which was a mistake that would have happened because i started work in the middle of the month

and it would not have prevented them from losing the copies of the pay check stubs that i sent them the first time

then he tries to say that if i report i have done my part and it may take a while to iron out but it will be and it doesn't matter

THE HELL IT DOESN'T''T"T my check didn't show up in March and that's how i knew there was a problem and its lucky that's not the larger portion of my money or i could have been late paying the rent or utilities

**** even at the smaller amount that it is it could mean the difference in having a phone or not having internet or not which very soon will translate into have rides to bank or groceries or meetings or not can see want ads or not

but he doesn't get it...


and then he decides he won't take the case not because he doesn't think we can work together "despite what my coworkers say"

not because he didn't have ideas

no because i told him funding agency won't support writing

i told him clerical aint working

i told him i suck at working w/ kids, customer service or sales

i told him retail and most minimum wage was out for obvious reasons

i said there wasn't really anywhere else to go but writing (considering my English degree

at least not that didn't require another degree licensee or classes in something I'm not good at and don't like

of course he thought their were minimum wage options couldn't tell me what

thought there was somewhere in clerical i would fit again no idea where

and i said you can think so doesn't mean your right

but he won't take the case because writing is too much of a focus

also check out my story in i am a victim and not the lest bit shamed (it will fill in the blanks until the beginning of the story)

FYI i have a physical disability walk with forearm crutches so that eliminates working 99% of retail work factory work and all manual labor

i apply follow up repeat ad nausem trying to get a job (also checkout my story in i don't tolerate bullshit to see how that goes

i am doing everything i can to control my design i am facing the **** storm it gets me NOTHING

But people still think i blame my childhood for things talk about everything like its the past when i it's still slapping me in the face in the present no its not woe is me its not mommy hit me daddy didn't love me enough the world is against me (although it is but we'll come back to that)


I'm tired of having to explain myself to everyone I'm tired of living like a degenerate because i have no other choice I'm tired of doing everything everyone says do and getting nothing I'm tired of being ridiculed by everyone for not doing everything myself but instead realizing i don't know it all and going to the people you go to

I'm tired of people telling me I'm not doing enough yet when the job placement joint threw me out ringing their hands i used the skills i learned there to continue to look for work not throw up my hands and say there's nothing i can do and when the funding agency told me to get lost i contacted the complaint people only to be let down again when the person went from not agreeing with the handling of things to what do you want them to do for you dumbing down expectations from the most beneficial things they could still do to the least not realizing the opportunities out there particularly with the internet and going in their meek and weak instead of the fighter their job demands

I'm tired of running out of jobs to apply for before i run out of motivation I'm tired of being pointed toward the large job seeking dot coms that don't have tutorials on how to post a resume or have less job listings than my local want ads i would post resume if i knew how and could be reasonably assured that my anorexic resume wouldn't cause me to lose out on jobs before interview would volunteer if i could afford transportation to do so and could find a place in which i could volunteer that would help on my resume not just fill my time would do other things toward my career goals if i could afford them

But I'm the one with the problem- yeah the problem is I'm tired of the goal post always changing the hoop always moving do this then you'll get what you want or at least functional no do this then it will happen no now you have to do that graduate high school to go to college go to college to get job no now you need experience or no you need more training and oh no that didn't work either

I'm tired of watching the people who barely scarped by in school at least get functional stable jobs and lives while i simply exist watching others have opportunities wander into their path and all they have to do is grab on and put in the effort while i look high and low and can't find it they get 5 of something while i only need or want one and those same people throwing it in your face

I'm tired of people who tell me not to give up or tell me i already have or keep telling me to get up when every time i try the nasty thing called life is there with a giant sledge hammer to beat me back down again then they wonder why i can;t get back up again well being beaten like that the body eventually stops working (yes this is a metaphor) why do we assume motivation is any different??

I'm tired of people telling me to keep going when you have nowhere else to go as you can't get over it under it around it or through it you've run out of options not ideas you've run out of things to try not willingness to do so although that's on life support for obvious reasons the farther you have reached the less you get

i'm tired of people failing to see that the persons agencies and entities herein robbed me of a functional life when they not i started the ball rolling i'm tired of people who have every excuse for agencies and professionals but expect the general public to be geniuses all seeing and all knowing and 100% responsible for professional failings not the professionals themselves i'm TIRED of being called everything from lazy to crazy whiny to having a sense of entitlement because i expected compotence and got that because i refuse to shut up about things like this being done to everyone

I'm tired of trying to honor what i was given and never being able to people chiding my bitterness and anger as if they even understand it never mind care I'm tired of my best never being good enough I'm tired of watching the people who keep ******* up at their job keep their job and i can't get one not

just tired....

I don't remember the first time she slapped my face i just remember the fear and more than that the feeling of betrayal i remember the hug and the I'm sorry and the hug

and the months later it meaning nothing as she wrestled me around trying hit me with a large wooden ruler a crazed maniac claiming she was giving me a spanking for whatever i had done- completely forgotten in the fear

not anymore i don't i don't do anything for my mom on mothers day i showed up to dinner out for my grandmother not for her i went to see her because it was easier than explaining why i don't want to see her we talked about surface stuff hugged and kissed at the end and i tried not to recoil

Not anymore not after the years of histrionic **** not after years of her squawking that i didn't love her because she got her mothers day card at the end of the day not the beginning(one of her pet peeves)forget the times she literally said wait till later or not right now forget the times she slept most of the day away and i didn't have the chance to give it to her sooner or the at least one occasion where she began the day by yelling at me about something and in the emotional turmoil it was forgotten till the end of the day

Not anymore when homemade cards or even a store bought card were not good enough for you forget that i never got an allowance was a disabled teen who couldn't work just any job didn't know there was disabled transit around to look for work because you kept me so isolated not that you would have given me the bus fair to try or taught me how to drive to help me become the functional adult i could have been no you wanted me to get you what your money had bought me completely forgetting i did not have it and could not get it not when you KNEW that it was about lack of ability/funds not a lack of WANT to not when once i had money and spent it on you- you didn't care

You don't get to slap me, pull my hair sit on me, put your foot on my neck/chest choking me, put me in a weak but scary headlock, bite me, dig your elbows into my neck narrowly missing that soft spot that connects neck and body that had you hit you could have killed me or made me a vegetable AND CALL YOURSELF A MOM! you don't get to kick your kid, throw things at your kid, over forgotten chores and measly unimportant things AND CALL YOURSELF A MOM

i remember being a teen and she had said she was cooking dinner that night- she got mad threw a hissy fit over something and said no she wasn't- their wasn't any food in the house that didn't require 30 minutes to an hour of cooking and it was already late so i made up my mind to heat and eat the leftovers to which she flipped out and claimed she wanted them i said no you decided not to cook when you said you would you figure it out- then she claimed wanted on of the pieces of meat in between calling me names yelling and screaming and when i tried to keep her away from it she tried to stab me in the arm with a fork

The summer before or after that she went on some health kick bitching about how much water i didn't drink all because o a kidney infection i got in 4th grade how all i wanted to eat was "meat and bread, meat and bread" she brought home captain D's and the second night we were eating leftovers she said i couldn't have the fish unless i ate the salad (and by salad she meant the coleslaw she made drenched in poppi seed dressing she knew that i hated but she knew i would it the slaw plain with ranch dressing but she forgot to leave any of it plain and a physical battle ensued because i wanted my half of the leftovers that ended in me crouching somewhere gobbling it down like an animal

The headlock incident began when she asked me to take her shirt out of the dryer if she fell asleep which i did and hung t exactly where she told me too as promptly as you could hear the buzzer go in there and preform the task it was fall so she had left the sliding glass door open well it got cold and i closed it she woke up hours later bitching she was hot them saw the shirt and started ranting becoming more enraged as i continued to say i had done exactly as she asked but it come out that way i remember her 200+ pound self charging at me sitting in the living room chair her using her hand to shove my head into the recliner chair arm then getting me somehow into a head lock it was weak but i was worried about my neck i remember so wanting to bite her hand as it was too close to my mouth anyway but she was soon out of breath i must have been 18 then because i remember her telling me to stop hitting her with that ring ( defensive moves made to keep her from slapping me, choking me whatever it was she was trying to do) the ring was my class ring worn my senior year

And I remember the next day when she gave me a half hearted apology after having rinsed said shirt in the washing machine dried it again to the same result

You don't get to yell and scream and in those moments terrify your kid, tell them you should have aborted them, tell them they don't have brains God gave insert lower form of life here, get in a fight about money and ask what are you gunna do when older spread your legs, you don't get to do a mocking demonstration of them walking (knowing their disability) all while yelling and screaming about some mess, you don't get to criticize their appearance, question their sexuality you don't get to call them selfish and ungrateful because they can't take care of you and tell you to see a doctor, AND CALL YOURSELF A MOM

I remember being not much more than 10 her ranting at full volume about how hot it was the house being a mess and me just trying to stay out of the way and watch TV and the glass jar of bacon grease that when past me spilling into the air vent on the floor i was livid that fall when i saw my grandmother( called over to please help clean) crouched down cleaning grease of the metal vent

I don't remember the first time she said she should have aborted me just being heart broken and that sense of betrayal i do remember one time she said it then said she was sending me to grandmas for a week then she would decide if we were going to stay together or if i could stay their the language lost in the pain of the moment maybe it was the first time she said it i just remember she liked to say it every time i called her on her crap or did some little thing she didn't like

You don't get to look at your kid and say that if you kill yourself tonight (sending the kids mind into a panic) its not their fault, you don't get to send them off to school saying you are calling social services to have them removed because they heard you bad mouthing your mother (an actual decent human being) and called you the trader you so very much are, you don't get to tell them they have to go see the licensed social worker or "we aren't living together anymore" to your 16 year old that says no to more house chores "because you don't have a job and are old enough to get one" (see above mentioned limitations, you don't get to tell your 18 year old highschooler you will call the police to have them removed from the house if they don't take something and put it in the sink forget their hands were full and then when the fight starts and they try to get away you become aggressive and block them from doing so you don't get the threaten suicide- start acting unbalanced-missing work leaving the your kid afraid of what they will find behind their front door, threaten to use your meds to kill yourself use knives to cut your stomach open and make the kid afraid to leave long enough to go to classes at college get an education and be the adult you tell them they will never be AND CALL YOURSELF A MOM

16 was a bad year for me that was the year of the elbow incident i come home from a horrible day at school she was home from work with whatever it was this time - likely something that kept her in the toilet she said how was your day i say fine (fine was what you said because anything else became a discussion on how you were wrong and someone else was right) it had been that way in 8th grade PE when you had gotten dentition for ignoring the PE teacher or no mumbling in class about what they didn't know or care teacher wrote me up and i was sent to the office exasperated and in tears as i tried to explain what it was like to watch that foul woman treat the mentally handicapped like idiots like babies who have no mind at all when my mother found out there was a discussion and she blurts out can't you just sit there for 50 minutes with your mouth shut

But back to the elbow story- i say fine she calls from the bathroom for me to come straighten the hallway rug an exasperated sigh and an eye roll not seen and not heard i do what she asks and head for my room halfway to the stairs i hear come straighten this rug i say i did she goes no you didn't i say yes i did knowing its a futile argument i just walk up the stairs no you didn't in my ears next thing i know mt door busts open and she says give me your Walkmans you can't do anything i ask around here...

To which i said i did exactly what you asked you need a video camera the fight that ensued included having my finger bitten being sat on and finding myself pined to the floor under the coffee table her digging her elbows into your neck

You'll also never forget what AA batteries sound like hitting the back of your head as she threw them at you as you slunk away with your prize after she got out of breath and gave up the last real physical battle she'd go to the emotional next but you were done with having things taken away from you because of arbitrary reasons you had done as asked wanting to avoid a fight she wasn't taking your 1 bit of sanity because she didn't believe you forget that the reason the rug was in the hall was because her dog had been tied there and shredded a seam that now needed covering or that she knew she had a disabled kid who walked funny yet had a house full of rugs even with carpet- if home can't be accommodating what can?

You don't get to do these things and then play amnesia like you don't remember doing them, you don't get to do these things to a good kid who got good grades, didn't do drugs , drink, smoke, steal, hang out with the wrong crowd, tired to do what they were told if nothing else to keep the peace and then say they deserved it because of their smart mouth- (gee i wonder where they got it) you don't get to do all those things then say your sorry do them all over again AND CALL YOURSELF A MOM

i can't count the number of times say i don't know why God gave me such a selfish child because i suggested she get her own food from the fridge or because she needed to get her own water or whatever or later because i couldn't take care of her and as much as i would have wanted to not do it i cant muster that cruel

Then after all that after you have played your part in making sure your disadvantaged kid never has a functional life when you know other systems and other places have let them down and they are at the mercy of other relatives (for you are now incapacitated by your life choices) you let your own family tromp on your kid even further shoving soap in your now grown kids mouth, shoving them down for speaking and in anger cussing the bully of the family out in defense of their frail grandmother or their own dignity and self respect not once but twice without saying a word in defense of them knowing the family members apathy and stupidity

Instead of being like any good even passable parent and saying you touch my kid again and I'll call the cops even if she won't- you what do you say- i can see both sides of it

Then to add further insult to injury when word reaches your ears that an out of town relative has made accusations of verbal elder abuse something about particular swear word aimed at the grandmother and demands were made by another family member that involved yelling your child out of bed making the accusation threatening to call the cops threatening to have their *** thrown out and all kinds of intimidation over something you KNOW your child did not do that is TOTALLY out of character even after admitting to your kid you are sure the out of town relative was mistaken in what they thought they heard YOU SAY NOTHING you do NOTHING to correct the assumption you just say your sorry it happened


And you wonder why your kid HATES you you wonder why your kid functions better when they don't see you think about you you wonder why you don't get a mothers day card you wonder why your kid is angry at you you wonder why they don't want to hear the next hair brained scheme or cockamamie idea you come up with to better their life or get by in a mess you helped create seeing as the last set of ideas they had left you both homeless living with relatives involved 3 moves in one year and left your kid holding the bag on the last apartment you had

Because you are NOT a mom

And don't DESERVE a day

Angry and bitter sometimes

She gets to do all that and more and not only does she get away with it but no one says so much as hey lady your out of line. In fact other family members have blamed her actions on your smart mouth- not seeing that the the latter was caused by the former not the other way around, that feeling of betrayal, that sense in every fiber of your being that what is happening to you is WRONG

And when you open up to people about what happened in an effort to explain why your you (because for some reason to them it needs explaining) they do either one of 3 things can't understand why you are "complaining" about your life, tell you in essence, you don't have a story and to get over it, or blame you for what happened that it had to be something you did to cause her to do that. People who know her first literally cannot believe she would do such things their face calls you a liar even if their mouths don't- and some of those do too. In contrast people that know you first are the opposite the ones that care anyway

It isn't just what she did that's so hard to swallow it's that she did it saying she wanted you, its that she did it saying she didn't push your dad for child support because she didn't want him getting custody/visitation and taking you around while drunk. Its that she did it saying she only wanted one kid because she didn't want to play favorites its that she did it saying she didn't have a boyfriend because she didn't want some man hurting her child, that she didn't go out and party because her place was with her child it's that she did it sober as a judge and as sane as a saint.

So this wasn't some idiot who didn't have a clue about parenting she was 30 something so it wasn't that she was too young or a teen mom she wasn't a drunk or a druggie so you can't blame it on the substances not even a mental illness, which makes it all WORSE

No you would figure the truth out later as the years went on that she only wanted you to have a dad when SHE wanted child support or wanted to threaten to send you to go live with him for your misbehavior, that the likely reason she got involved with a man who was between wives at the moment and had other kids is because she didn't want someone honing in on her territory telling her how to raise her kid, same thing with the didn't have a boyfriend and it made a good martyr tale to throw in your face (something she did all the time telling me you should feel lucky and what happens to a lot of kids), to say nothing of she was obese, ill tempered and slept all the time when and where was she going to find a man she was to exhausted and lacked friends enough to party

The truth was she wanted a kid till she got one and didn't like what she got she wanted a kid until the kid got a personality of it's own until it had its first differing opinion or showed its intelligence. It isn't that she compared herself to the best of the family one minute and the druggies, drinkers and umployeds the next using her words to lord over them in superiority during conversations/shouting matches with you its that she did it never having been addicted to anything, never having that monkey on her back having been fortunate to get a good job and be able to keep it having gotten it in an era when jobs where quite frankly easier to get and those needing work, down on there luck would be the first considered by employers. Personally you had more respect for those who were recovering addicts who stayed away from whatever and thought she had no right to comment and she equally had NO business comparing herself to the best ones whom you would still swear on a stack of bibles would not/did not do or say the things done to you

It isn't what she did as much as what she didn't do not even that so much as its impact on me now no not from flashbacks, nightmares, overwhelming memories or lack of connection agonizing years of therapy or things that would cause you to need it. No something more normal something that makes you pathetic in mosts eyes. Its not only the extra curricular activities you couldn't join, the after school help you needed and didn't get, the friends you never made, the friends you could never bring home to her erratic behavior messy pack rat house, it isn't just the drivers license that she wouldn't help you get

Its the WHY of it all not because she was some religious fanatic that thought it was wrong to do those things or a gateway to hell, not because you were black and blue from what she'd done to you, not because she was afraid you were going to blab to the world about her aggressive abusive ways and not even because she was overtly cruel, not even because she was busy or that tired but because she was LAZY it was too much work to take you to even 1-2 activities on a regular basis you remember the proverbial forklift it took to take you to the 2 talent show performances she supported you doing or the choir performances you were required to go to rather than write a 4 page paper to which you told her that night as she fought taking you- if you don't your writing the paper not me. Once she threw it in your face that her dad did the same to her and what she wasn't allowed to do the first thought that flew into your head was how did that make you feel and why would you want to visit that on your own kid? especially when you don't have to

It isn't just the lack of driver's license it isn't just the 16 year old right of passage that you missed like so many other milestones of being a kid- it was the isolation and what it did to you, no not the psychological damage of no friends no sleepovers no social life but that you didn't get to join the clubs and activities in high school that would have naturally given you information about the career you wanted to go into the people you might have met that could help you do that so that when the agencies that did come along to help said it was this was mislead you that way told you to do this you would have known better. Its that her actions or lack there of turned you into a green naive little fool

Its that it lasted into college where you couldn't do the extra curricular stuff you later found out was a MUST for success and now not only are you without a career you are unemployable due to your limitations and other incompetency that only added to what she failed to do. Its that she played her part in this knowing the kind of kid she had knowing the deck was stacked against them she just kept adding cards to the pile. Its that she continued to not even try to teach you even as she saw the screwed up bus system even as she became more debilitated herself, even as she drove less and less then completely stopped driving altogether cajoling other relatives into running her and your errands that required a vehicle.

Its that she went so far as to rope you into getting her groceries when you got yours(every 3 weeks) knowing the painful toll it took on your body threatening to throw you out or disconnect things like the washing machine(even though your disability check was paying her a portion for rent and utilities including the water going in there and she did more laundry than you) if you did not comply- even after you said i can't do it this way lets split the cab fare to go once a week to which she at first refused, as she refused to go to the doctor and talk about things that would make her more able to care for herself or help available in doing so. You lived there because it was the lesser of evils

Its that she refused to teach you knowing you couldn't afford driving school touting the line you couldn't drive a car without modifications without the slightest knowledge or care if it was true which had the effect of turning other family members off to teaching you themselves its when that line wore out she started in saying she didn't feel qualified to teach you with your disability as if she was just making it up as she went along all for her own selfish gain of someone to look after her in her debilitated state, she did this just to have you attached to her hip then gets to make demands like with the groceries.

She even piped in front of her nursing home roommate that she didn't know you wanted to drive so bad that it was a big deal or a big goal for you despite telling an out of state relative the summer before her fist stint in the nursing home that you wanted to be "turned loose with her car no you wanted her to on her next trip to the DMV pick up the booklets for future drivers so you could take the written test get your permit and if you did so her at least try to teach you to drive and you knew that she knew that's what you meant. But the final pour of acid into that wound, the bile that raised in your throat was when you saw a kid in the job placement program wheelchair using could barely walk short distances and the look when he did was the stuff of playground canon fodder, a kid who had trouble speaking who couldn't hold a pen correctly could barely sign his name and HE, HE had a divers license- it was then you realized the difference between parents who care and ones who after basic function chose the path of indifference

It isn't just all she got away with- with you its that she got to go around using people and still had them eating out of her hand thinking she was a saint its that she got to somehow fly through life land on her feet and her only consequence was you- while you loved all of your family more than she ever thought of them but they never saw it only fawned over her. They showed up in droves an entire possy when she lost the house and you both had to move family their friends, friends of friends to help clean up a mess that she helped create and you don't mean just 12 years of pack rat behavior all was forgiven when she didn't take the steps she needed to after losing her job even though they had all advised her- she got the awwwwww it was a mistake and a pat on the head you would have gotten the name calling and the cold shoulder exactly what you received when you tried to tow the line and point out that it wasn't one mistake try 50 and what she had put them through remind them that they had all told her and to warn them she would do it ALL again given the chance because she had learned nothing

And this wasn't the first time it had been the same deal when she had come dragging home for Christmas that year and a half after you were born bi-racial illegitimate disabled child in tow which she would inflict on her mother for the next 7.5 years a woman with a mental history of her own who was thrown into a state of talking to self and walls while doing household chores something that ceased mere weeks after you both moved out when you were 9, that of course on your mother's timetable too when she got sick of the fighting over how to raise you- years later when you pointed out the effect it had on the older woman she began the tears and how you had just been diagnosed and at home she cried less you threw her a line about not being responsible for her mental instability for it was the middle of an unreasonable argument as always.

That was always how it went you point out something your latter teen years early 20's weren't supposed to know and the histrionics began as it was in the teen years when depression became a fast excuse for not working laying around watching television not showering letting her hair get greasy and being capable of only cooking herself breakfast which consisted of a plate full of fried eggs never getting help never trying to and the doing what she wanted when she wanted or when menopause and hot flashes became the excuse for 50+ year old temper tantrums and the things thrown at your head or the bizarre things coming out her mouth about you and your life. It might have all been livable if it hadn't been proceeded by wipe my this wash my that and when you said no or see a doctor you got selfish *****, get out i wanna live alone or the threats of suicide you were surprised you didn't have ulcers

The barking orders and having them followed the stating she wanted something and having them just do it or the one time one of them said no and she still managed to convince them to do what she wanted might not have been so bad if after being placed in a nursing home because of health problems relating to the compound impact of her bad life choices there were again no consequences. That might not have stung less if she didn't now have the best of both worlds- the care she needed, family all around her who felt obligated to trek up there to see her, bring her things but to add insult to injury she was in there in those 4 walls and she got more junk food than you did! you lived minutes from a ***** of fast food joints but had no transportation and didn't dare walk across that highway when she had less than $50 a month for necessary items your jaw dropped when she rejoined her video club and you couldn't afford a $9.00 per month netfix subscription of course how could you holding onto the apartment yes using the money she gave you but also trying to make it stretch as far as it would then she doesn't have the decency to tell you she's not coming back not even going to try only announced that one day as if she were commenting on the weather not realizing what it meant. But you did just having signed the lease for another year It wouldn't have been so bad if things didn't seem to fall out of the sky for her while you did nothing but struggle

All that aside it wouldn't have hurt so much if you hadn't had to BEEEEEEEEG for the moving help you needed when you HAD to move for lack of money or if you hadn't gotten almost no help when you finally did find a place help you needed 10 times more of because of your limitations. It wouldn't have been so bad if you knew your family would rally around you if the places were reversed but you knew if it were you lying in that bed all you would have gotten were lectures about how you should have done this and that to stay out of here then no one would come at all it would bring tears to your eyes if you didn't know that if you had made her same mistakes even with less knowledge they would have thrown you out in the street rather than help you- you were surprised they didn't tell your grandmother she had to do so when you were forced to once again ask for a place to stay

You had long since gotten over what she did to you its what she let others do that brought it all back with a vengeance that reminded you of being back there again that made you hate her all over again when your uncle shoved soap in your mouth or tried for yelling and cussing at your own computer or when he did it again 2 months later while you were defending your grandmother and others from his stupidity the first time she said she could see both sides the second time she knew his scraped arm was unintentional and self defense never once did she say a thing to him only to you about not cussing and some other absolute crap you tuned out while the outrage boiled behind your eyes that not only did she get to toss you around now he had taken up where she left off but this time you weren't a kid it wasn't even his house and no one would stop this!The verbal elder abuse allegations were even more ludicrous to the both of you but again this time she had even less defense for you and less to say only an agreement that no you didn't do it and she's sorry it happened but not sorry enough to get them to back off not sorry enough to make sure it wouldn't have ever happened to begin with not sorry enough at all! And you are on the losing end again as the lash shred of family you loved believes the crap and now hates you

It isn't that she did all this or that your mind wonders and wanders back there to the darker memories, it isn't that you wish things were different see something on TV or see people in a public place and in your weaker moments get tears in your eyes or cry its after all this it seems she gets to be RIGHT. She gets to do what she did to you physically emotionally and she gets to be right about all the supposed practicalities of life about the kind of success you would have about the kind of job the kind of person you would be or at least be seen as. Its that as much as you soothed yourself with the idea the knowing that she was wrong, that the world didn't have to be all she said it was despite the fact that you had seen it in teachers and others out there in the world you knew the world according to her wasn't the only one there is she still gets to be RIGHT about YOU.

She gets to stomp on your dreams at best treat them with indifference call you worthless selfish ***** who belittled you for wanting different dreams wanting to better yourself and as much as you fought never to let it get to you or not for long as much as you still did well in school took advantage of all the opportunities to go to school and pursue what you wanted as much as you tried and did things as right as you knew how you still don't get the dream not even the chance- others lies idiocy and unprofessionalism just took over where she left off and she still gets to be RIGHT. Just a job is all you can hope for actually would be a wonder if you could get even that now- your dreams were too lofty you did think too much of yourself your worse than her at this point with no job living on public assistance and she gets to rub your nose in it. As much as you didn't become a drunk or a druggie get in trouble with the law as much as you still look for work as much as you knew yourself knew your limits and also knew your gifts and as much as you tried to carve out a life that would work for you she still gets to be RIGHT.

She and the world get to do all that to you and she gets to be the one telling the TRUTH.

That wouldn't be the bitter pill it is to swallow if you didn't now have to attend family functions with the "abusers" the people who made your grandmother's house a place you never want to go back to for more than a day if you didn't have to look down the table at the people you once loved and thought loved you with not a sense of longing but a sense of awkward not butterflies, not stomach doing flip flops, no your food stays down just fine but a sense of what am i doing here and where is my family?

Perhaps what really gets you is seeing her now what gates on you irritates you is that you can't just walk away from her can't just rid her from your life not only because you could never quite completely sever the emotional ambilical cord between you despite trying since age 11 when you knew things would only get worse and if you wanted to make it out with your sanity your heart intact you better cut her lose now, but because it would mean losing the few family you have left it would mean NO support at all in anyway it would mean telling all of them everything half of them not believing you at all the other half not believing half of it and it just seems like cruel and unusual punishment for some

But nothing gals you pains you hurts you enrages you more- like flesh through a cheese grater than walking in there seeing her now and the state of amnesia she puts on but doesn't put on. No its not the fact that her personality has changed from the good times ages 4-9 to the aggressive abusive tyrant of 9-15 or the psychotic ***** of 16-23 and now to the helpless old one you've know for the last 4.5 years at not even 60 - its not that the chameleon has done it again and the change has pulled the rug out from under you one more time. Its that she's done ALL these things no exaggeration no lie and she doesn't seem to remember it- no mental defect no disease no altzimers and she doesn't remember it! its like she just forgot! the self delusion or the day dreams is a- naturally occurring and b- she has no clue.

What revolts you so much is not just the memory she told you about you being 4 and her seeming to want to go back to that closeness or you knowing that's just not emotionally humanly possible given all that has happened it's the cliingyness the wanting to be hugged and kissed by you and she's the last person you want touching you- you literally have to steel yourself from your skin actually crawling while faking a semi willingness to hug or kiss the woman- its that you do it knowing that the person who hurt you scared you, broke your heart, cut you too deep, who taught you how to hate, who gave you your first taste of betrayal , whom you swore said things to watch the tormented look in your eyes as another part of you was wounded as another part of you died is still in there somewhere not completely gone!!!

You know how fortunate you are you know what could have been you know in some since the gift you have been given and you wanted to honor that by doing the best that you could and she still gets to be RIGHT. This is who gets to be RIGHT!

And people wonder why i say i don't want to live in a world where she gets to be right now you know

it isn't that simple which you wojuld know if you read what i asked you to

its also not the past if its still slapping you in the face in the present somethng you might understand if you read what i asked you to

just read or give up your quest for answers

i have a better idea read both my stories in the group i am a victim and not the least bit ashmed of it

see if that doesn't answer your questions

why is it always what are you gunna do about it as if there is ALWAYS something that can be done

don't know what you think is funny and don't care

somehow i doubt that but i'll take what i can get


i wrote this about me not other people or what i would say to them

what would there be to say ??

i would say absolutly nothing to them



sorry what i used to be is over

You didn't use to be .... you are still the same person, only a little wiser to the cruelties of this world ... you are on the right track to remember the things that defined you before .... you don't come across as a person who will settle for failure ... no time like the present to decide who and what you want to be for the rest of your life ... It all starts with that decision, and then a lot of hard work and kicking your own but if you disappoint yourself again

for you that may be true

for me not so much