Lost Faith

I was a practicing solitary wiccan for about 6 years. I drew my strength from the rituals and from the belief of not being confined in sets of false scriptures, stories, and judgmental peoples. This is not an attack on Christianity. I was a Christian earlier and was quickly disillusioned about the bible and the people who professed to truly believe. I have many Christian friends and we get along just fine.

Anyway, because of arguments I have had with my mentor, my disillusionment of the effects of prayer, and my deepening education in the sciences and biology, my belief system has cracked. I doubt in an existence of a God or Goddess. Experiences I have had can easily be explained as psychological hallucinations that I know our brain is fully capable of doing.
The human brain is wonderful in making connections and filling in the gaps with inferences drawn from experiences and previous knowledge.
Example: I light a candle and ask for love. A week later I meet a handsome male and we have a short relationship. Was it that I prayed? Or was is that I was 16-year-old in a public school, with over a thousand students around the same age as me, in close confinement, and meeting 5 days a week?
Or was it that after my prayer, I became more receptive to male company, and was willing to meet new people, because I wanted my prayer to be answered? Oh but at the time, I fully believed it was the Goddess that answered my prayer and directed this person to me.

It seems... silly now.

I am still a nature activist. I still believe that naturally derived medications are better or as good as chemically derived medicine in most cases. I have not lost the wonder of how the body works, or how plants live, and how our interactions in the world affect our environment and how our environment effects our actions. I have not lost the wonder of the world and the wonder of everything upon this earth. If anything, this new perspective has me thinking more and has made me more curious. I want to know more, and I want to know things that I like more in depth (And I like a lot of things!).
In a way, I feel more free now without the confines of a religious structure. It's not up to a God or Goddess what my fate is.
I can do things that determine my future. It's not planned out, I'm not guided by any particular deity. I control my fate, through my actions, thoughts, and words. And no one else has that power but me.
It's a very freeing experience.

This doesn't mean I have no morals. This doesn't mean I don't have ethics. This doesn't mean I am an evil person and want to do evil things. This doesn't mean I want to be an atheist speaker and wave a flag pronouncing my independence from religion. This doesn't mean I feel superior than other people who have faith. This doesn't mean I will constantly question someone with faith to make them uncomfortable.
I am still learning who I am. I am still learning what I am good at and what my purpose is in this world that I share with billions of people.
I have goals and dreams just like everyone else on this planet.
I am only human. Flawed and imperfect I may be, but I also have a great heart and an intelligent mind.
And this is my confession; I am an atheist.
This is very new to me. And as my knowledge grows, I'm sure I'll be other things as well. But for now, I am content in sharing this.
Wistina Wistina
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 30, 2012

That is gr8, it is very enlightening to see more people being freed from the confines of a belief system ordaining how a person should live their life. Believing in something is one thing but allowing that belief to determine how life itself makes an impact on a person's life is nonsense. We all interpret life in our ways and the unique ways we interpret life are what makes us unique from every other conforming drone that follows the crowds of people lining up to believe in something that isn't an original belief(Catholicism, Christianity, etc..). I'm not saying that believing in Christianity or Catholicism is a bad thing but believing in nothing is a lot better than pretending to believe in something.

I completely agree with your comment! Just a little nit picking though, atheism is not a belief in nothing. That is called nihilism. Atheism is simply a lack in belief of deity.

Of course, of course... i meant that, didn't clarify myself.

Very well said. <br />
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I wish everyone could be as open and clear as you have been. I think you will end up a a leader in our country.<br />
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