Why Am I Still Here?

I know that I am not the person that I used to be or even remotely close to the person that I wanted to be. Some things I can't control, for instance: nerve damage to my legs after emergency back surgery; losing my job after my FMLA leave ran out; losing my grade reversal class to a professor that was known to be biased--but was the only one I could take the class from--therefore losing my ability to finish my degree; having a father that abused my mother b/c she gave him a girl instead of the boy he always wanted...but I can't stop asking myself where I could have stopped the issues from occurring in the first place. I could have left my job earlier instead of getting depressed over interview rejections and becoming complacent; I could have stayed home on the day it snowed so I wouldn't have fallen in our notoriously unpaved parking lot at work and dealt with the consequences. To be honest, I wish that I had gotten my suicide attempt right when I tried for the first time at 14, when my mom died and I was left with my father who could have cared less and got missing whenever he could b/c he hated being saddled with a girl. I always felt that I would not make it. I'm the person that gets centimeters away from success and bombs out regularly--even when typing a journal entry. I stop trying b/c I really don't believe that I can ever get it right in life. I wish that I could get a suicide right b/c I'm tired of getting on my own nerves and failing further. Or if I could see who I was supposed to be when I was born so I can at least die knowing that I wasn't an accident or a mistake.
sameoldsong sameoldsong
36-40, F
Sep 24, 2012