A Tribute To The People I Once Was

The first time I died was ten years ago, a free spirited child who knew nothing of the world's cruelties, as it should be. With kind word for everyone, and a smile permanently on her face - to say she was well liked is an understatement. That chapter ended for me the day I discovered what A.L.S. was, and that my only protector in the world would die in the near future. The doctors told me it was unavoidable, and I should prepare myself for her passing. I was but 9 at the time of this chapters closing.

The second being when my heart was broken for the first time at 12. In the places I existed following my Mom's passing abuse was common if not to be expected. I didn't live there, I was just an inconvenient entity. I was quiet in school, retained a perfect GPA & a book never from my hands . I avoided most social interaction whenever I could, save for one.  I sought out distractions of my turmoil and was enraptured with my first relationship. No words I spoke were false, and looking back as easily as I fell it could not have ended any other way. I suppose I was just in need of comfort & didn't care where I got it from.

Following the heartbreak I went on a downward spiral of depression, and downright self pity. I literally cried every night for two years. To say I was torn apart by losing yet another person I loved is a vast understatement. I don't have many memories during this time because every day was so drawn out & miserable because of my state of mind. A constant repeat of the following : wake up, wish I hadn't, survive the day, come home, dream of might have beens and REPEAT. Ended somewhere between 14 & 15 yrs of age.

The fourth and final death was of my period of angst, and hatred . This self sabotage lasted about three years till the age of 17 and I felt entitled to this loathing of the world. Of society, expectations, black and white stereotyping (he's a cop therefore deserves suffering, or she's a social worker so she must beat her own kids) I also went through a slew of relationships which I never put much effort or feeling into. "I love you" was met with "Tell it to someone who'll eat up that bs." Being cold was better than being naive in my eyes so that's exactly what I did. Barricaded the world out, and only trusted myself. I had friends at this time, but they were just as brooding & tortured as I was.

Now I am who I currently am. Nothing much more to say aside from this:

I'm a woman of my convictions
Call me wrong, call me right
But I bring my better angels to every fight
You may not like where I'm going
But you sure know where I stand
Hate me if you want to
Love me if you can

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Jan 12, 2013