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So I Hope

I am no longer the person I was at 12-13, lonely to the point I had to imagine friends. I'm no longer the person who thought diplomas and awards made me better than the others.

I am no longer the person I was at 14-16. This is my greatest hope and I fear I may still keep some of that. I no longer abandon my dreams because I am too involved in a romance story to think of anything else. I have had people close enough to me that I can weigh gesture of kindness and context more accurately. I am no longer everybody's favorite plaything. I no longer look people up who don't want to be around me. I am no longer the person who had to oblige every whim of her own feelings. I am no longer the person who wanted equality so badly I couldn't see reality is never so precision-cut to my idealism. I no longer believe love conquers all - or that it necessarily should. I am no longer the girl who had such low self-esteem and confidence in my own judgment, that I would 1. think the person I love hates and despises and is annoyed by me and 2. if I thought so still, disregard my judgment because others tell me I have self-worth issues. I am no longer the person who thought saying "I love you" was the supreme form of expressing love regardless of circumstances. I am no longer the person who lost interest in everything for the sake of one person. I am no longer the person who wanted to kill myself and thought this world would be a better place without me.

I am no longer 17-19 & 1/2 year old me. I am no longer the girl afraid she was too ugly and incompetent and annoying for anyone to kiss her or desire her. I am no longer single. I am no longer the never-kissed virgin no one liked. I am no longer the girl who was afraid to meet my boyfriend in person because I thought I had forgotten how to love someone who is beside me, physically. I am no longer the girl who cried every time she talked to a jerk but continued to anyway just because I wanted to be a good friend. I am no longer the person who thought she couldn't make it out in the world just because this would be my first time spreading my wings. i am no longer the person who thought just because I think I can't do something means I really won't be able to. I am no longer the person who believed there will be no time for myself, even if I wanted it.

I no longer neglect myself like I did for so many years. I am no longer the person who thought for ten years that there is something wrong with my sexual needs.

& yet, I wanted to write this story because it speaks volumes about who I am. I felt the need to type up what I no longer am. A lot of the above things, I still need reassurance that I've outgrown. Yet, I know I have. Go figure.

naranja naranja 22-25, F 6 Responses Dec 31, 2009

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I guess what I mean is, "god I wish I could feel and had said that. You are someone to be proud of. I hope you are proud of yourself. It is well deserved. It shows real personal growth. Thank you for putting it out there.

i love you

Thankyou.. I enjoyed reading your experiences. Well done and I too would like to say well written you expressed your thoughts very nicely indeed.<br />
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God Bless and a happy New Year

This is awesome!

It is the wisdom to know that you have finally stepped beyond those things that brings you to fully understanding who you are in this world.

Well written. Bravo for laying that out there.