So I Hope
I am no longer the person I was at 12-13, lonely to the point I had to imagine friends. I'm no longer the person who thought diplomas and awards made me better than the others.
I am no longer the person I was at 14-16. This is my greatest hope and I fear I may still keep some of that. I no longer abandon my dreams because I am too involved in a romance story to think of anything else. I have had people close enough to me that I can weigh gesture of kindness and context more accurately. I am no longer everybody's favorite plaything. I no longer look people up who don't want to be around me. I am no longer the person who had to oblige every whim of her own feelings. I am no longer the person who wanted equality so badly I couldn't see reality is never so precision-cut to my idealism. I no longer believe love conquers all - or that it necessarily should. I am no longer the girl who had such low self-esteem and confidence in my own judgment, that I would 1. think the person I love hates and despises and is annoyed by me and 2. if I thought so still, disregard my judgment because others tell me I have self-worth issues. I am no longer the person who thought saying "I love you" was the supreme form of expressing love regardless of circumstances. I am no longer the person who lost interest in everything for the sake of one person. I am no longer the person who wanted to kill myself and thought this world would be a better place without me.
I am no longer 17-19 & 1/2 year old me. I am no longer the girl afraid she was too ugly and incompetent and annoying for anyone to kiss her or desire her. I am no longer single. I am no longer the never-kissed virgin no one liked. I am no longer the girl who was afraid to meet my boyfriend in person because I thought I had forgotten how to love someone who is beside me, physically. I am no longer the girl who cried every time she talked to a jerk but continued to anyway just because I wanted to be a good friend. I am no longer the person who thought she couldn't make it out in the world just because this would be my first time spreading my wings. i am no longer the person who thought just because I think I can't do something means I really won't be able to. I am no longer the person who believed there will be no time for myself, even if I wanted it.
I no longer neglect myself like I did for so many years. I am no longer the person who thought for ten years that there is something wrong with my sexual needs.
& yet, I wanted to write this story because it speaks volumes about who I am. I felt the need to type up what I no longer am. A lot of the above things, I still need reassurance that I've outgrown. Yet, I know I have. Go figure.