Hardened, But Happier And More Confident... I Think

I can't say that I've ever been carefree or happy at any point in my life. It seems like the most obvious change in a person is having once been happy and no longer feeling happy anymore. I think I've had a different kind of shift happen. I definitely wasn't happy before and I think it was because I was hiding from my PTSD diagnosis and desperately looking for someone else to validate me as a person. After being humiliated and abused in what has been the most underhanded kind of way, I feel a lot more hardened. While I do like to share my stories, I prefer to do it anonymously which hadn't been the case before. I'm less reliant on other people and much less willing to cut people slack. I do feel more confident in my capabilities as a person after finally rebounding from the humiliation I suffered a couple of years ago, but I suppose I am much less willing to do anything that really gives others the opportunity to humiliate me again. I want nothing to do with people and keep them at arm's length and actually, I feel much happier this way. My relationships are much more casual, none bearing any sort of real depth and all of the depth I need, I get through the books I write. I'm definitely not where I want to eventually end up, but I feel so different even from just last year. The change has been excruciating, but I think that I've come out better, albeit more battle scarred.
ShadowMonster ShadowMonster
22-25, F
May 11, 2012