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Not Again

I am 31 and followed the same pattern most of my life. From the time I started dating at 14 I always needed a boyfriend. I didnt care the quality of the guy, just I needed a boyfriend. I had several bad relationships, the worst was a guy I dated in high school and part of college. He would cheat on me constantly and he also hit me. We dated off and on for about five years. Finally after almost quiting school to be with him I realized I couldnt be with him any more. Mainly thanks to my mom giving me an ulitmatium. While I was in college I dated better guys but still always needed someone.

When I met my husband things felt very different. For the first time i was with a man I wanted and not becasue I just didnt want to be alone. He had the qualitys I was looking for and we automatically hit it off. We moved in together shortly after and got enaged a year later and married two years after that. We have been married five years. But over the last two years things have changed. We hardly ever have sex and when we do there is no passion. Any connection we had is gone. He has also gotten kind of mean. He is better than any of the other guys that I've dated but he has started to say very belittling things, he says hes just joking after but it still hurts none the less. For the last year I've debated on whether I should get a divorce. I have went back and forth. I dont want to hurt him and I was scared of starting over at my age. I didnt want to be alone. I thought I had gotten over that and I was no longer the girl that would let a man totally use me just so i didnt have to be alone. However I was making the same excuses I did before. Though my husband never cheated on me or hit me, he constantly tells me how stupid I am and how he its such a burden to have sex with me. Last weekend I told him I wanted a divorce. There was no big fight before, I just had enough. I realize I may end up alone and maybe even regret the decision I made however I am now ready to take that chance. I am no longer the scared little girl who needs a man.
jencpa jencpa 31-35, F 13 Responses Nov 27, 2012

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hi i want ur frendship

I admire your streangth

If he dont care about hurting you, with the things he says, then you shouldnt worry about him being hurt over a divorce! He can find someone else to "just be with him" with no physical feelings or touching... and I'm pretty sure you can find someone who will treat you like the lady you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good for you hun

"he has started to say very belittling things, he says hes just joking after but it still hurts none the less. For the last year I've debated on whether I should get a divorce. I have went back and forth. I dont want to hurt him".
These are your words...not mine ( and we all do this by the way)
He hurts you....but you don't want to hurt him.

Here is the kicker that feels like a boot in the gut when you realise it to be true....they don't care any more. They say they do...they may even cry and swear they do.

But they don't. Because our refusing spouses hurt us every day they withold the affection and intimacy that goes with being a spouse....and they know they are doing it. But they don't care. So why do they deserve the empathy ?

If you haven't seen it before...you will likely soon get a response from Bazzar and he will tell you...

"Tread your own path"

Cheers and best of luck.

I know my thinking isn't logical. I know he doesnt care if he hurts me or not. He can watch me cry and not blink an eye. But I'm not like that. I cant stand to hurt people. Even if he doesnt love me. I do love my husband even if its as a friend now, I love him. I cant stand the thought of hurting him. At least thats why i thought i stayed, but after my last attempt to tell him i was leaving, i got scared of being alone, of hurting him, of having to start over at my age.

Thank you for your comments on both stories, i appreciate them.

I'd say then that you aren't at a point to make a decison one way or another....and that is ok.
Your time will come. You recognise that there is a problem and now you are figuring out what to do about it.
As for being alone...you are still young. I was your age when I first got married...there is lots of time for you yet .

He actually said "it's a burden to have sex with you"? He always had sex with you before marriage, right?

There are several kinds of abuse physical being one and one that you seem to be suffering from is emotional abuse due to his actions and words. Good for you to move on.

First off the minute a guy hits you should be the end of that relationship no matter what he says ,begs or pleads,leave him for good.No second chances.
Second I am glad you had a few yrs of something good,it lets you know that it can be that good only it should stay good for a long time even forever.I hope that happens for you again.
May 2013 be the best yr of your life so far.

Thank you very much.

I will say prayers for you that you can be strong and at peace as you go through this transistion. You deserve to be loved and respected and appreciated. You are created for a purpose and have too much to offer to allow someone to rob you of the potential for joy and passion in your life. I wish you much luck. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you.

It's a tough decision....I wish you luck. I believe you are doing the right thing for sure!

You may end up by yourself for awhile, but I don't think you will be alone. It sounds like you know what you want, know it might take some time to get it, and are willing to do what it takes to go on that journey. Good for you. Thank you for sharing.

I really like the distinction between being "by yourself for a while" and "being alone". Very astute comment.

you deserve better, you are a woman entitled to be loved honoured and respected to go through life as a best friend and lover not to be treated badly... your heart is precious and you do matter...

Wow, that's crazy...you sound like me when I was your age...

I know in my case I hooked up with my 1st hubby too early (at 18). I didn't know who I was at that age. I had a lot of maturing to do. Unfortunately, he and I matured at different rates. Actually, he was 24 when I met him and wasn't what you would call a man out for self-improvement. So what looked appealing at 18 lost its appeal the older I got.

Anyway, after our divorce, I spent the next 4 years discovering who I was. I also took it upon myself to date a lot (not get into relationships) to figure out what I wanted in a partner. All the while discovering that I was perfectly capable of being on my own in every sense of the word.

I met my current husband in 2005, married him in 2006 and our relationship has grown better with each year. He truly is my best friend. We were quick to jump in to our relationship but THIS time I was prepared. I knew what I wanted, knew who I was and I had some real experience in relationships - unlike when I was 18 and had NO real life experience.

So good luck to you!! Take your past experiences and use them for better future experiences.