Feels So Good!

When I first came to EP, I was extremely depressed...feeling rather worthless...hating life and wishing I could leave it.  Soon after I joined, I was diagnosed as a fast cycling manic-depressive bipolar type 2.  Yay for me, right?  Just one more thing to have wrong...and I felt like I would never be "right" or "okay" ever again.  That the light at the end of the tunnel really WAS a train, but that the train was taking way to long to come run me down as I wanted out immediately.

Fast forward a couple of years to the present.  Situations have happened in my life in the past week that would have once put me in my bed, hiding under the covers, and crying harder than I ever had before while wishing for death DID happen to me.  And you know what?  I have not confined myself to my bed.  I have not shed a single tear.  And death has honestly been the farthest thing from my mind.  OMG how WONDERFUL it feels to be able to say that!!!!  and how much MORE wonderful it is to FEEL that!!!!  :D  Am I upset about what has been happening around me?  yes, they bother me.  But they are not putting me under like they once would have.  I am not nearly the same person I was just a couple of short years ago.  I can tell you for sure that there were times that I never thought I would reach this point.  Times that I just KNEW I would never be "okay", calm, happy, and feeling good ever again.  That I was cursed to a lifetime of depression, anger, and flirting with suicide. 

I no longer feel cursed.  The light at the end of the tunnel now looks like sunlight, and those beautiful rays are beginning to find my face, upturned and hopeful once again.  I cannot describe in words exactly how completely and totally wonderful this feels.  How incredible this is for me. 

And I have so many of my wonderful EP friends to thank for helping me get to this point.  You are all a part of my life, treasured and loved.  Thank you for standing with me through the worst of times, and for laughing with me in the best of times.

dyin2live dyin2live
31-35, F
7 Responses Apr 20, 2010

Yes SS I can say that I do still feel positive today. It is such a good thing to stop and realize how far I've come. And it is enabling me to help my daughter navigate the same disease I have been dealing with. Thank you for reading through my posts. :D

I have been reading through some of your stuff...your name attracted me...I can relate. In nearly 43 years, I feel that I have actually LIVED very little of it, merely existed. Whether it was from mental illness, mistakes, despair, boredom, fear...does not matter...thanks for letting get to know you a little bit and know that I am not the only one who feels the way I do. Thanks for sharing and I hope you still feel as positive today as you did the day you posted this....peace...SS

AP dearest...thank you so much for your compliments. You are a wonderful friend to me! :-)<br />
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JP, you are very right...one's candle never grows dimmer from having lit another. Thank you!<br />
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MissSass, thank you for your well wishes. As you hope, so do I...

That ray of sunlight is something to be celebrated and remembered when things get overcast. I am so glad you have finally found yours and truly hope it grows brighter and stronger for you as your journey continues!

You are very welcome...although I am not always a ray of sunshine. LOL ;-)

Mine comes and goes...not every day is a totally happy day. But the days that I am happy, I have found it has been far better for me to let go of what was causing me pain....avoid it (or should I say them) if I could. It is not always easy to do...but sometimes it must be done.

Hi... I jst read ur post or is it called confession here ..? Well, i m pleased at d positive journey of life dat u undertook frm despair to being a happy person :) . . Bt whts d secret behind seeing d sunlight at d end of d tunnel ?? . . Wish i cud see it myself ...