It Really Hurts
My mom doesnt trust me at all. It's sad because I've never rebelled against them growing up. What really hurts is that she is capable of trusting, she trusts my sister to go to new york and gives her the benefit of doubt time and time again. Ok, I lied thats not the part that hurts the most. Maybe it's the fact that all my life I was used as a punching bag , emotionally and physically, by both parents.
My dad controlled our finances, and utilized that power to blackmail us. If we didn't listen to him, he would run out on us for months and months, and leave us with unpaid bills. So at the age of 10 my mom would send me house to house to sell candy and sodas, I wanted my mother's affection so I would abide, yet secretly hoped I didnt come across any of my classmates. And my mother couldn't get a job because she had no means of transportation and didnt speak English.
I've held over 5 real jobs from the age of 15,because my parents were constantly bickering and there was tons of domestic violence in our house..I thought money was the answer to everything. Things aren't always black and white. Minute my mom was capable of working, she did and she bought my us kids things my dad would consider luxury items (clothes for school, school supplies, pay for field trips.)
Well we are doing exceptionally well today. I just graduated and plan to apply for the Physician Assistant program or Medschool (see what happens) but I have couple months off..and I feel obligated to get a job so my mom and sister (we dont get along) won't think I'm a freeloading failure. I feel like that 10 year old kid all over again. And even today she questions my every word, my every action, as if I'm the world's biggest con-artist. It really hurts, yet I continue to do for her because I still love her.
There are several episodes in which my sister and I would bicker and my mom would become an echo..my sister would say things like kick her (me) out of the house and she'll come crawling back.. and my mom would echo that. (kinda funny now). I feel like I can't breath at times.. I feel at times soo much is said and done .. the terrible relationship between my sister and me and how my mom sides with her ( sounds childish doesn't it), all those episodic outbreaks and threats to kick me out when I worked part-time jobs handing my mom every check, where I sacrificed my fun to do for my siblings.. i feel like it went down the garbage disposal..nobody remembers.
a wise man once told me..do 99 favors for someone and if you couldnt do one..they will hold you accountable by that one..ughhh