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It Really Hurts

My mom doesnt trust me at all. It's sad because I've never rebelled against them growing up. What really hurts is that she is capable of trusting, she trusts my sister to go to new york and gives her the benefit of doubt time and time again. Ok, I lied thats not the part that hurts the most. Maybe it's the fact that all my life I was used as a punching bag , emotionally and physically, by both parents.

My dad controlled our finances, and utilized that power to blackmail us. If we didn't listen to him, he would run out on us for months and months, and leave us with unpaid bills. So at the age of 10 my mom would send me house to house to sell candy and sodas, I wanted my mother's affection so I would abide, yet secretly hoped I didnt come across any of my classmates. And my mother couldn't get a job because she had no means of transportation and didnt speak English.

I've held over 5 real jobs from the age of 15,because my parents were constantly bickering and there was tons of domestic violence in our house..I thought money was the answer to everything. Things aren't always black and white. Minute my mom was capable of working, she did and she bought my us kids things my dad would consider luxury items (clothes for school, school supplies, pay for field trips.) 

Well we are doing exceptionally well today. I just graduated and plan to apply for the Physician Assistant program or Medschool (see what happens)  but I have couple months off..and I feel obligated to get a job so my mom and sister (we dont get along) won't think I'm a freeloading failure. I feel like that 10 year old kid all over again. And even today she questions my every word, my every action, as if I'm the world's biggest con-artist. It really hurts, yet I continue to do for her because I still love her.

There are several episodes in which my sister and I would bicker and my mom would become an echo..my sister would say things like kick her (me) out of the house and she'll come crawling back.. and my mom would echo that. (kinda funny now). I feel like I can't breath at times.. I feel at times soo much is said and done .. the terrible relationship between my sister and me and how my mom sides with her ( sounds childish doesn't it), all those episodic outbreaks and threats to kick me out when I worked part-time jobs handing my mom every check, where I sacrificed my fun to do for my siblings.. i feel like it went down the garbage disposal..nobody remembers.

a wise man once told me..do 99 favors for someone and if you couldnt do one..they will hold you accountable by that one..ughhh

silver7rose silver7rose 22-25, F 9 Responses Nov 17, 2009

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I admire you for what you have to get through. You are very strong-willed and have lived on through such hardship. I have never had bad relations with my parents and it cuts deeply inside of me when I see other people with such problems. I am told by my family that I "wear my heart on my sleeve." And it is hard for me to deny, because seeing such problems in the world hurt me. All I can do is encourage you to stay strong and live on. I have a friend who has such relations with his parents and as a result, he has fallen victim to drug abuse and acts of violence. I'm glad to see that you have not fallen, but instead stand tall and keep moving.

Im so sorry. I was in a situation sorta like that. My mom worked 24/7 and my stepdad never worked and The bills kept pilling up higher and higher and me and my brothers couldnt afford school lunches so I got a job cleaning jewlery when I was 11 to 15 and paid for all our fieldtrips and food and such all the way until I turned 14 and then I got a real job and ended up becoming a manager of a pizza inn and made enough money for bills and everything else after my mom left my stepdad and then if anyhting ever went wrong it was my fault and my mom favored my lil brothers more than I and so forth. Its tough but literally if it doesnt kill you it can only make you stronger. Im sorry but writing this quickly so I can reply ot your email if it has come yet so pardon the spelling mistakes if there are any! :)

I have to admire your strength. the way you write feels like you will never stop doing what you believe is right, and I believe that is the most important part.

I have to admire your strength. the way you write feels like you will never stop doing what you believe is right, and I believe that is the most important part.

Well thank you you silver. Some wisdom hmm... In the words of Ben Harper "They all want you to serve them but the only one you got to serve is soul". The strength to succeed and make good choices lies within ourselves and we must always remember to go our own way and not let others deter us on our path. Always surround yourself with strong supportive people because these are the pillars we lean on when we feel weak. Whenever life hits me I just smile a little wider because the people close to me step a little closer. And yes silver I am floored ; ). Best of luck always let me know if I can help.

Bryant- you're absolutely right. They are waiting for my downfall, so I should focus on myself. If I don't then I'll become that which I fear, that which they expected. <br />
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Navyvet- thanks for the advice.I don't want any favors from anyone, so I'll offer a little help, like pay for rent or for groceries. Regardless, I learned my lesson, I will save some mula so I could take that vacation to the Caribbeans I sooo deserve ;)<br />
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Bassist- First of all, you're absolutely amazing. I read about your past and kudos on not letting it interfere with your present. I wish I could do that. I really do. Maybe if I had an iota of your wisdom? You are a great example of a tragic story turned to success. An emblem of what I want to become. Are you floored yet? lol<br />
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Secondly, I honestly would just **** it and leave it at that. But I'm trying to save up for medical school, so I have to kiss ***. I need to pave my way by staying with them and saving up. I'm trying to keep peace at the home front but when its more than I can bear, then I vent out to supportive friends like yourself. <br />
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You're right I'm constantly trying to win their affection and love by pleasing them, but where is my self respect? <br />
And I will work on being happy cos I friggin deserve it!!!<br />
Thank you :)

Well silver it sounds like you're an amazing and selfless person who's swallowed her pride and rolled with the punches for her family (even if they were the ones throwing them). If they don't want to appreciate it I say **** it. Live for yourself and when they want to talk to you I'm sure they'll let you know. Me and a friend of mine are both preschool teachers and we both have **** relationships with our parents but we have a very effective way of dealing with pain in the *** people. Pretty much when someone yells at us or tries to argue with us we just say when you want to talk to me like an adult I'll listen but until then I'll be over here enjoying my day and then we totally ignore them and go about our business until they calm down and talk to us in a civil fashion. It always works and I'm enjoying my day guilt free while they fume about something they don't need to be angry about in the first place. Don't live to satisfy other people because you can't control what's inside them and you need to be happy with yourself. I'm willing to bet that you are an amazing person and you deserve to feel happy.

When you get your position, do not tell them! Save your money, & get out of there ...just leave.

I like your story. Best advice I can think of for you is to look out for yourself and forget the people who want to see you fall. They will always be there waiting for it. Turn the other cheek. :)