Yesterday, Mothers Day

i had a tak with my mother today, and asked her how she felt when she found out she was pregnant with me. she responded she really was upset, she was planning to go to work and had raised 3 children already. She told me that she did spend nearly the entire time wishing i didnt exist, but she didnt believe in abortion. She told me she constantly thought this wasnt what she wanted, she was tired and didnt want to deal with another. she said when i was born what made her happiest is she hadnt gained any weight and she just let babysitters, particulary my oldest brother, who molested me. in threrapy in my 20s i went to several different therapists told me i showed classic signs of child molestation. i pegged my father, who didnt do anything but love me. do any of you think this is why i am and feel "unwanted" and a "burden" and throw me off to someone else? does anyone else feel like i do? a waste of life? Every person i ever felt anything for abandoned me. I fear the person i love will soon do the same. it hurts to be so alone,yet i dont see it  timproving. I wish they aborted me, i really do.
CelestralCreature CelestralCreature
41-45, F
May 14, 2012