Rejected And Still Life Goes OnI started this as a comment to another person's story, then realized it was so long and full of feeling I ought to post it under stories. I wish it was a story and not fact.
There's nothing like the feeling that the only reason your 'parents' are keeping you around is due to a sense of obligation. Far from honoring such and being decent people with character, they scapegoated you; simultaneously teaching your siblings to regard you with the same contempt they hold. It sounds similar to being the male version of Jane Eyre. You are despised by moral degenerates. Though it probably doesn't make the pain go away, because everyone deep down needs family and suffers if rejected.
I just wanted to validate your feelings. My parents and siblings were the same
way. There ought to be an AA2: A**holes Anonymous. The cruelty of it is heart breaking and unforgivable. I speak from the same experience of being shunned by my brother's families. Their true hatred came out when my mom was days away from death, under hospice care in the home. My eldest brother had my senile, dependent and legally blind mother sign over the house and property to he and my other brother, which gutted her will. I still remember her telling me on the phone, very confused when I found out, saying "but your still in my will. She had no concept of the abstract. Senility robbed her of the ability to see her will had been gutted by signing paperwork she couldn't read. Tricked into disinheriting me and leaving me 1/3 of nothing.
All of this was known 2 years later when I came home to be with her as she lay dying. I didn't realize the extent of hatred and that it was actually coming from my sisters-in-law. For many years I thought the most these suburban ladies, who attend church every Sunday, felt apathy. The pure hatred and out right greed was terrible pain on top of the worst pain I've ever had, knowing the only person who loved me and held my history was dying. My father had been dead for 16 years. With her passing it was evident I had no family left. I was told to take my belongings from the attic: stuff I've always stored at my moms house and took for granted. I could only fit 1/3 of it in the car. I was on a tight budget and U-haul on top of motel fees and travel expenses was unreasonable. I was treated like anything I took from my mom's house I had no right to take, including my own belongings - some of which were missing. These upper middle class ladies and my brothers helped themselves to my Dell desk top computer I left there because I was using my laptop, TV, DVD pla
Including the fact that both my sister-in-laws said repeatedly "you don't have to come to mom's funeral. Being hear now is enough". Then it changed to "really, don't come". Prior to the last 4 years before my mom died, I was literally her personal care giver for 14 years. While my brothers went on with their lives, watched their children grow, never called my mom or came around, I took her everywhere and did everything for her. It wasn't until the last years of her life any of them became involved. I left a vacuum that took 4 adults and 4 grown nieces and nephews to fill. The shear hatred that they had to earn that property. I knew for 20 years my brother would find a way to disinherit me. What I did for my mom I did out of love.
It was a vivid picture I saw when you described your mother's funeral. Sitting in the back. Heartbreaking: The way I felt
when my mom died a day after I returned home. No one told me for almost 24 hours because they feared I was still on the road and that I would turn around and come back. It's so devastating I still can't process it all. I hold a great professional job - one of the best for this area. They act like they know some dark secret, like I'm some secret ********* or thief, I see contempt all over their faces. In fact, my eldest brother would not come over the entire time I was with my mom. I was being shunned.
I left in tears, knowing I'd never see my mom again and that I'd probably never walk through the door of the only home I'd known growing up, through my 20s, etc. I still cry when I think on it and her. Human love is imperfect, but I'll take it in any form it comes in. I forgave my mom's interference. By the time she was dying nothing mattered except she knew I loved her. It was indescribably horrible for in-laws to attempt to come between a mother and daughter, yet a dying mother and grief stricken daughter? It's sociopathic.
About 8 months after my mom died I
started processing some of what
happened. I had been crying more
and more. Work was like a dream. I couldn't concentrate and the moment I got outside, walking toward my car, tears were running down my face. Every day I was sobbing uncontrollably for about sn hour in my car. I cried all my make up off, but my husband didn't notice. No one did. I had a break down where I didn't get out of bed except to go to the doctor for almost 2 months. All that had happened hit me all at once. Through therapy I also came to terms with the fact that all these "adults" I called brothers and in-laws, besides stealing from me and accusing me of theft, robbing me of my last moments with my mom, telling me I wasn't welcome at her funeral, in-laws acting like they were her daughter and I was some reject and outcast -- besides all that they killed my 9 year old cat.
It's been 2 years now, but it was when I
last saw my mom well. I left my mom the animal I loved the most to the person I loved the most so she knew I was coming back. My mom had an intense fear of abandonment. All my life I've had to comfort and console her like a little child. I gave up so many things through the years, including my own personal development as an individual and human being. Well, she got sick about 3 months after I left. That's the beginning of when she started giving up and started to die. People can lose the will to live. My mom had the will to live as long as I was with her. I think my eldest brother wanted her dead because he tied my hands when it came to choices. The house was no longer hers and he made it very clear I was not welcome to stay unless I was her full-time caretaker without pay and that I pay rent on top of that, plus he could throw me out at any time should he dislike something I say or do. He screwed my mom more than he screwed me. It caused her death earlier than it would have been and I have to bear that on my soul.
When she was first hospitalized for 3 days my brother threw my 9 year old in-door raised cat outside in a wilderness area. He dumped my little Sammie with no warning and out of shear hatred of me. This is a man who attends church 2 times a week: one catholic and one right wing Christian (Protestant). What's worse is that the rest of them were in collusion. I was forced to call and beg. They ALL had the same non-answer. "she's probably around somewhere". "I can't put food and water out, it would attract bears", etc. So cold, so cruel. It took s psychiatrist to look me in the face and tell me firmly I was dealing with a family of sociopaths, probably led into such behavior by one main sociopath. That would be my eldest brother, who orchestrates everything.
So, yeah, I understand your pain and rejection. There ought to be like I said, an AA2. Sorry this was so long. Didnt mean to go on so. Guess I still have issues.
Bluegirl19 31-35, F 1 Response 3 Jul 21, 2012