Thank God For This Site

This site is awesome...

So yah I've been pretty distanced from my parents since an early age. I know they love me and I guess I love them but our relationship most of the time seems so fake, so superficial. It's like they refuse to let me know them as people and in turn it seems as though at birth they created some sorta fantasy about who I was to become and they treat me as if it has to come true. They've never been especially attuned to my feelings and when they do pick up on them they usually react in VERY counterproductive ways. Like responding to my anger or frustration with their anger and frustration over the fact that I would have the audacity to complain about something. And when I go to them for advice (which is EXTREMELY RARE) they're advice only seems to be aimed at pushing me further down the path that they laid out...they rarely seem to offer advice that could help me get to where I want to be...and God Forbid I don't want the nice car and nice job/status or whatever then I'm not thinking clearly...no, it isn't that I think I'm more special than everyone else...It's that I just don't see the point...you go to school for the first 20-24 years of your life...and the rest you spend working to consume pointless material things mostly to show-off...THEN YOU DIE...I'd rather shoot for spiritual awakening or something...or working harder on my music

It's like they've built up this simulation of me and they don't know how to interact with the real me...and I spent so many years of my life trying to please them that now that I just don't give a **** them seem at a total loss...they don't know how to deal with the real me...I've never been into sports but my dad never fails to ask me if I caught some sports game...I'VE ALWAYS HATED MALLS...since I was a kid...and yet my mom always wants to drag me out to a mall...Now I'm being a little harsh because they have made some efforts but the efforts seem superficial...like rather than trying to actaully get to know me they're just trying to keep me calm...and I actually hate that...why can't we be on the same page...respect each other as individuals with individual goals and dreams...and be mutually supportive...why does someone always have to lose??? and why is it often I, with my "wierdness", that is forced to compromise...

and my sister...i thought that we were supposed to be on the same side so I would tell her things that I didn't want my parents to know but without fail it would slip out...then my parents would commence blowing up my ******* phone to complain about it...I'd call her and she'd act like it was no big deal...NOW SHE'S ACTING ALL HURT THAT I DON'T TELL HER ****...she's acting like it's my fault that we're not as close as we should be...I mean, I am somewhat cutting her off but she has proven herself not to be trustworthy with my personal information...and she asks me to just accept that part of her...I have...I still talk to her from time to time...but just because I accept that part of her DOES NOT mean that I have to deal with the consequences of her big mouth...I love her to death but damn...

and my extended family...ugh...let's take this back a bit and this'll be my last section of the rant (i think)...in the 5th grade I was going through hell...I was really really into music, as I still am, film, reading, sitting around and talking and getting to know people (read my post on my old soul lol)...and I got picked on endlessly at school for not being macho or into sports or because i didn't mind sitting talking with a girl when I apparently should have been on the field playing a game that I wanted no part in...so my home situation at that time was no better...my dad was all over me about my weight because I was gaining weight out the woozah...part of it is biological (if you could see my fam.) but part of it was also that they only time I could really get any peace of mind was in my room with the door locked eating some food that I really really liked and watching a favorite tv show (or series of shows)...then we'd go down and visit "the relatives"...it was the same stuff except it was like school and home combined...I was too soft...i was a sissy...i was fat...i was weird...i was a dork...u know..whatever...and it didn't stop after the 5th grade nor did it start there either...but the point of this whole thing is that over the course of my life I've learned to distrust my only sibling...I've learned that my parents don't want to know the real me...they beg for it but when I start being honest all the suddent they have to get off the phone or they don't want to talk about it or whatever...and my extended family i just viewed as unnecessary...my familial relationships since i was young have been pretty ******...and they all have my best interest at heart which is why I hate attacking them like this but they never stopped to ask me what it was that I actually wanted from this life...to them i'm just this guy that can never be pleased...no...i just want to be able to live MY OWN ******* LIFE...

i want to have serious say in the decisions that are going to affect my life...and my unwillingness to bring them more heart-ache (because I did at one time view myself as a failure...but that was when I could only see myself as they saw me...when I began to view myself through my own eyes and I developed a stronger concept of self it's gotten a bit easier)...has brought me an immense amount of heart-ache...I'm at a school that I HATE studying something that I HATE and when it comes down to it they backed me into a corner and I made a stupid choice...and though they heavily influenced my decision when I come back at them with complaints they tell me that it was my choice and if I'm unhappy I'm the only person I can blame...WHICH, amazingly, I'M BEGINNING TO BELIEVE...and when I drop out of school after this semester I plan to blow them off if they come with anything less than support...because I'm sick of living my life so they can be proud of me...I love my family...I really really do...but we just don't see eye-to-eye and if I sacrifice any more of myself I really might have to kill myself

ChampaBlend ChampaBlend
18-21, M
5 Responses Feb 12, 2009

>It's like they've built up this simulation of me and they don't know how to interact with the real me<br />
<br />
Hahaha. This is so great; I can definitely relate.

i kno what you mean my grandparents are lyke that except....they dont and have never had a "plan" for me

Every parent thinks about the and for the wellbeing of the children.They always want to keep them under their shadow so that the children should not suffer what they had already experienced in the past.<br />
<br />
You have already started to think on librakitty05's advice and started to grow up.At this age everybody thinks that he wants to do something different from the world.Do it,but not by overeating,all the time lying down on the bed and getting overweight.<br />
<br />
That will spoil your health and surely will not be helpfull anyway for you or your parents.

to "librakitty05"...that is SO true<br />
<br />
i used to feel like this victim all the time until i realized in my own speech and judgmental looks that i'd be imposing my view of the world on others just as it had been done to me...i'm working on that and find myself more aware of it now than at any time in my life but its hard...<br />
<br />
i'm about to write my parents actually and tell them how i feel because i plan to switch schools and in my doing so my dad was withdrawn complete financial support...and its so ****** that when i apply for fed. aid they will look at his and my mom's incomes and consider that to be my ability to pay even though i don't make even .5% of what they make<br />
<br />
ugh...i'm just tired<br />
<br />
thanks for reading <br />
peace!!!

the hardest thing to do for anyone is let others be themselves <br />
the most important thing for anyone to do is to be themselves<br />
<br />
it is a catch 22