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Its Been A Long Time!

Its been a very long time since I've been happy. I remember how it felt. Sure their have been happy occasions, but they don't last long.
Goes with how I hate change. Anything that seems to start off being a happy time, quickly changes. I should expect it by now.
There are alot of reasons why I haven't been happy, I won't go into them. I don't want to write a book on it.
I do long for happiness, but until my kids get their act together I don't think I can stop being stressed out over everything.
They are grown, but still, how do you stop being a mother?
Everyone says its my turn to be happy. I lost my husband last year, my son went to jail and got out this year, (and he's still not in the clear) thats very stressful, especially with his heart problem always on my mind. My oldest with 3 kids, wife cheating on him, not even living with him but he believes every word she says and would do anything for her. Hurts me to see him be played.
My grandkids deserve better.........I can give my 2 cents, but do kids listen?
Growing up, everyone always over looked me to babysit their kids. My cousins always got the job, so I told myself when I grow up if I can
only do one thing right, I'm gonna be a good mom.
I thought I was, I did the best I could............I was very close to my kids, they would always come to me with their problems, until things changed when my youngest was 14.
The last two years have been my worst in a long time, so everyone says its my turn to be happy because I did everything I could for
everyone else, but how do you do that? How do you block your kids out, your grandkids out? How do you start living life for yourself?
I don't know where to start. Its always gonna be on my mind that one son is being played a fool, hurt and miserable, and the other one could die any time from his heart problem or go back to jail because of some mistake he might make.
How do I ignore all that and live my life to be happy? I'm trying, I really am, but something always happens, and it all comes back
to me.
No I'm not really happy right now, but I do remember what it felt like.
honeysuckle23 honeysuckle23 46-50, F 1 Response May 7, 2012

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I can totally relate to your story. I am a mother of four grown children. All I ever wanted was to have a family, since I didn't really have one growing up. So I put everything into being a great mom. I was a stay at home mom until my divorce, when my oldest was 12 and my youngest was 3. My children have grown into seemingly happy, productive and very successful adults but now that it's "my turn to be happy" I find that my happiness is very much tied to my children still. Actually I think they are all happy but my issue is that now that I have given them everything, I have not much money to live off of and their father is a millionaire and they spend every holiday and special occasion with him and their "new family". It saddens me so much I have no will to live.
I wish I had more encouraging words for you.other than to say i understand your hurt and pain. Whenever my children are in pain I feel it as if it were my own pain. i do not know what I did wrong because I know that I have always put them first, whereas my ex always put himself first and he is reaping the rewards now from all my years of hard work and sacrifice. As mothers I guess that is what we do. You are not alone! I will send good thoughts your way for yours and your childrens happiness.

Thank you for reading and sharing your own story. I also feel for you, I have seen this happen alot with couples that split. Its sad. I wish you the best :)