Depressed Person

I'm an lonely person.i go to the doctors for pain and they say it is due to my depression and that i need to get it in control before they treat my pain. i raised 5 kids while my husband drove across country for the last 25 years i stay alone my kids r grown and have their own lives that don't include me only when they want money.now i am unemployed as is my husband for the last 3 months things r really hard, i guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. i have had plan to take my life if things don't get better. I've done it before about 15 times in the last 35 years but not successful. i can't control how i feel, i get on antidepressants but i never have the money to get them refilled. still can't i feel as useless as an old worn out shoe. I'm so lone all i want to do is cry i can't even think straight. one morning soon I'm going to take a drive but won't be back. have nothing to look forward to in my days at all. i pray to god really but is there really a god. I use to have a rewarding job, I worked in an assisted living faculity as a cook but I was having bad trouble with my depression so they let me go now i feel i have no future in site and that no one is hiring or will not hire because of what my past employer said to them. so here i am a big nothing. don't feel no love or happiness.so i could write more but i don't think i'm writing what is suppose to write