Ib Am Not What He Wants Me to Be

Ok I am a mum of 3 beautiful children and I do have a great husband , I have always looked at girls but never had anyone gay around me till about 7 yrs ago when a girlfriend came to stay at our place for a few days , suddenly I got these strange feelings towards her and as my husband slept down stairs we watch dvd's upstairs and one thing lead to another well he court on and said it is a fase and it was ok so a few days turned into 3 weeks as she left she took something with her and thought he was right maybe it was a fase . A year later we moved and still nothing , we had a few problems still no strange feeling but broke up for 12 months I got really ill and he helped me and  thing got sorted between us , he loves music and always was going out to bars and singing or playing then one night he asked me to go with him it was a great night and we spoke to some old friends that were there , well I was then looking for work and got asked to work at this bar at this point I did not realize that a lot of the gay women in town go ther on a particular night of the week and as it happened in they all came young and old it was a really good night I met this one girl really nice and she fell for me there and then she realize who my husband was but did not fase her one bit we became friends and she suddenly started fighting with then girlfriend they did and then the hunt was on for me well it happened and lasted a horrible 6 weeks why I say horrible she was nice but I then lost ALL the friends I had made anyway we split and she was devistated but ended back with her ex by the way we are all friends still , and again I got really ill and again my still husband came and got me ,through all this I met two girls and have been good friends since we are close enough that I can go places and my husband does not think twice well neither have I till a couple of weeks ago a friend not as close as some found me talking to her ex and I hadnt heard that they had even split up so she confronted me and told me some horrible things about her ex so I decided to keep away but we have got closer and closer she messages me and calls my husband doesnt care as they were friends to, but one night did it for me we had spent all day together with friends and then went drinking well I got the courage up enough well after a few to call her and my best gay friend back and I kissed her WELL normaly she would laugh or say something to me but NO NOTHING she just looked at me so now she knows something my other friend was stund but ok with it I am sure if she had the chance she would too , so now what I have this beautiful women stuck in my head 24/7 and still with my husband , couple of days later we went out and she said that a group of them wanted to go to a gay bar did I want to go to well I never answered so quick yes I'd love to come but in the back of my mind I had to think what would my husband say to this and I said look maybe I can't incase someone says something to him so she then looked straight at me and whispered ok then just you and me .......she laughed and said "I'll have to keep my eyes on you though " well my heart just dropped I was so exited ,well since then she messages everyday we talk in a chat room nearly every night and have been busy with other friends going places BUT she still talks about her nasty ex who has ripped her heart out as this was her first girl, am I seein something or am I fantasizin in hope I have come to realize that I have fallin in love and dont know what to do my husband thinks i am straight and ok but" I am not what he wants me to be "what do I do shes got to of realized that after the night I kissed her that I liked her and that she is still friend with my husband Please if anyone can offer anything to help me here remember 3 kids , 2 being old enough to understand now , ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GAY is this ment to be telling me something .........I am so scared , I wish that I spend more time with her and how do I know if she even feels the same at ALL plus how does that make me look as a mother and wife ,I sit here right now have I have done many nights thinking how nice it would be to be cuddled up next to her and finding myself falling more and more out of love with my husband is this normal or not my heart really pounds for this girl and I cant say a word about it ................it really hurts.........please someone I am desprate here................

xoxoxoSHAZZYxoxoxo xoxoxoSHAZZYxoxoxo
1 Response Mar 22, 2009

Well this seems to be a crazy situation, i normally don't like to tell people to leave their spouse but in this case you really should be thinking of a divorce right now. As far as the woman you like let her know how you feel and leave the ball in her court. I know its hard when you have kids this can be hard, because you feel like you may disappoint them but if you are unhappy they will notice that too and they would rather have you happy and true to yourself be true to your self this is not just a phase the sooner you realize it the happier you will be.